By Nora Zelevansky / September 14th, 2010

Picture 23

For the first time in a few weeks, I turned on Bachelor Pad tonight and, lo and behold, it's the season finale!  I missed a few weeks, so I'm totally lost.


I'm not gonna get lost when it concerns these monkeys.

Elizabeth is still orange from spray tan and now she has a weird stripe on the top of her head and she's still psycho (that dance teacher should expect a dead rabbit in the mail any day now).  Kovacs still doesn't like her no matter how much she blackmails him.

Kiptyn and Tenley give new meaning to the word "vanilla."  Hi Kiptyn's bald spot!  I missed you!

David is still date rape aggressive and Natalie is still begging people to touch her boobs.  They're a perfect couple!

After some of the worst dancing in the history of this and any other universe, Kiptyn says choosing who will go to the finale is one of the hardest decisions of his life.  He's clearly had it really hard thus far. Elizabeth says that hopefully she won a relationship with Kovacs, which is worth $250,000.  Except not so much because he was already like struggling not to hit on the dance teacher.

Enter "live studio audience" full of even bigger losers than me.  In really happy news, Elizabeth's hair is brown again.  THANK GOODNESS.  What shameless colorist agreed to make that psycho a blond?  And why doesn't Melissa ever smile?  Is it me or does she have no charm AT ALL as a host?

Also, I would like to discuss these peoples' ages.  Dave is only 28?  I thought he was like 80!  And Gia is 26?  Um, yeah.  Me too.  Are your boobs real too?

Wes and Gia tongue it down–My eyes! My eyes!!!  And suddenly it's Survivor: Everyone gets to ask questions and then vote on who gets the money.  No offense, Chris, but where is Jeff Probst?  LOVE Jeff Probst.

My favorite character on this show is the audience.  Is it just me or are they just booing and cheering arbitrarily.  Maybe they're drunk?  Can I give the audience $250,000?

Also, I think they should have a reality show starring crazy Michelle, crazy Craig and crazy Elizabeth.  Imagine?  Who would watch the other one sleep first?  They'd have to take all the knives out of the house!

Anyway, Dave and Natalie seemed to be doing well, until it came out that Dave thinks anyone on the show over 30 is a loser.  Um, news flash, Dave.  Anyone on the show period is a loser.

And the winner is (spoiler alert!) … you.  You get to watch real TV now that summer is over!

xo – N.

Reply To Post

6 Responses

  1. Where did you find that picture? Classic. Yeah, I totally watched too. Is Tenley for real? I mean, REALLY? There was enough spray tan and teeth whitening gel in that studio last night to feed a small village in well, some small village. šŸ™‚ Iā€™m still not sure why all the ladies find David attractive, hot body or not, he looks like a gorilla. Well, at least Tenley and Kiptyn get to live happily ever after k-i-s-s-i-n-g in a tree.
    Until the Bachelor…

  2. Chris Harrison // September 14, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Elizabeth gives me nightmares. Weird orange nightmares.

  3. Is Chris Harrison (the first commenter) the same as Tzvee?

  4. Melissa was a waste of space as a host. I’m pretty sure Chris Harrison could handle the Crazy House on his own. The finale was a letdown. I wanted more question and answer time from the evicted contestants- there was a lot of passive aggressiveness that needed to come out in to the open. I’m wondering if they’ll do a second season of this. And I’m wondering if I’ll actually watch it!

  5. I actually truly have no idea. Chris Harrison–reveal your identity!
    Dyan–I just found it online, but how perfect??
    And who will be the Bachelor, I wonder? Do we think they’ll just start anew?

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