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The Lint Collector: Dolly Does Bachelorette & The Third Episode “New Guy” Shows His Face!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 31st, 2012

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Hello, Class.  I trust that you all slept well and are ready for today’s lesson entitled, “What We Learned From The Third Episode of The Bachelorette With Emily Maynard.”

Shall we begin?

1. Chris Harrison has a really cush job.  He explains how the week’s dates will go down to the guys and then excuses himself for the entire episode.  Cha-ching.  (That’s the sound of his divorce attorney getting paid.)  Students, if you’re smart, you’ll all become reality TV hosts, even if it requires dimple implant surgery (D.I.S.).

2. The producers have a deal with the weather gods.  As Emily and her first one-on-one date of the night (tall creepy guy, who seems kind of obsessive) scale a building’s exterior (though it looks as if they’re just being pulled up), a huge lightening and thunder storm threatens.  Draaama.  You know the crew is down below high-fiving each other for creating such good TV.

3. The tall guy is not that memorable because I can’t for the life of me remember anything about the rest of their date except that some country guy sang, once again there was a weird crowd of North Carolina fans looking on and I know he got a rose.  I also know he’s going to totally freak out about other dudes getting her attention going forward.  We know this type.  It doesn’t end well.  He’s got issues and not just because, in the next shot, he’s wearing a slightly fem striped nautical tee.  He’s going to get disappointed. (more…)

The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 22nd, 2012

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I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway … this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I’m not sure I’ll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that’s a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway … Emily is happy because she’s in Charlotte, NC, which is her “town” and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I’m liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her “mom group” and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I’m sure they don’t usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We’ll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of “real life” on her first date with Ryan.  They’re going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn’t expect this, but he’s willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She’s impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked “real” when she picked up Ryan … in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he’s honored to be part of Emily Maynard’s day.  He says her full name like she’s famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there’s a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she’s going to ask the “hard questions” and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It’s still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn’t on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he’s too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I’m already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She’s controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her “favorite” bands (she’s probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they’re slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he’s been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date? (more…)

THE BEST (Well, First) JACKET COVER!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 17th, 2012

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Usually the jackets I get excited about have zippers or buttons.  This one is a little different: It's the jacket cover for my book Semi-Charmed Life!

I am beyond psyched and not just because my name appears to be spelled correctly.  (My worst fear was that it will be wrong, which you no doubt understand if you went through life with a name anything like "Zelevansky.")  It's all getting a bit more real as I get closer to the release date.

Anyway, here's it is on the wooden floor of my living room.

And here it is below in black and white … because I have lost my mind and can't think about anything else.

That high-level distraction is ALSO why I missed this first Bachelorette recap post.  I know some of my friends and fellow fans feel like Emily is too much to take, but I am on board.  One episode in and I'm already hooked.  Plus, after Ben F. and Ashley H., I feel like I need this as a palate cleanser.  The Bachelor and Bachelorette should be all Southern or Middle American and Barbie and Ken-like, I think.  It works best like this.

xo – N.

P.S. If you'd like to find out about my upcoming book readings in various cities, you can become a fan of my author page on FB and you'll get alerted to all that information!  (Who am I?  It's so weird to say things like this!)

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SEMI-CHARMED LIFE (AND BEYOND): The Best (and, Okay, Only) First Review

By Nora Zelevansky / May 9th, 2012

 

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Here ye!  Here ye!  (Or whatever.)  Yesterday I opened what I thought was a run-of-the-mill Google Alert and found the first review of my book, SEMI-CHARMED LIFE (coming to a store near you or on the World Wide Web on July 3rd, 2012, but available for pre-order now) in Publisher's Weekly!

Throughout my years as a freelance writer, I've certainly heard the (sometimes not so censored, forgiving or sane) complaints of Internet audiences.  As many of us have experienced in different capacities even when simply reading the "Comments" section of an online article, constructive criticism notwithstanding, people are in a word, brutal.

But this is the first time that I have merited a formal review.  (I totally got snubbed when I played Morgan le Fay in that 5th grade production of King Arthur, but that's another story.)

Anyway, when I read this very first book review I was essentially vibrating with anticipation and I cannot tell you how happy and high I was that it was not downright mean.  Who knows what I imagined, but all I can tell you is that I am very appreciative of this response to the book, which feels fair and direct.  Not at all below the belt.

So, I guess, danka.  A million times, Danka.  And now I must say adieu.  Or as Morgan le Fay would say, "I bid thee goodnight!"  And then she'd cackle.  You know she would.

Okay.  I have officially lost it.

xo – N.

PS Did I mention that THE BACHELORETTE is starting?????  I mean, SIGN.ME.UP.