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The Lint Collector: Dolly Does Bachelorette & The Third Episode “New Guy” Shows His Face!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 31st, 2012

Screen shot 2012-05-30 at 11.30.50 PM

Hello, Class.  I trust that you all slept well and are ready for today’s lesson entitled, “What We Learned From The Third Episode of The Bachelorette With Emily Maynard.”

Shall we begin?

1. Chris Harrison has a really cush job.  He explains how the week’s dates will go down to the guys and then excuses himself for the entire episode.  Cha-ching.  (That’s the sound of his divorce attorney getting paid.)  Students, if you’re smart, you’ll all become reality TV hosts, even if it requires dimple implant surgery (D.I.S.).

2. The producers have a deal with the weather gods.  As Emily and her first one-on-one date of the night (tall creepy guy, who seems kind of obsessive) scale a building’s exterior (though it looks as if they’re just being pulled up), a huge lightening and thunder storm threatens.  Draaama.  You know the crew is down below high-fiving each other for creating such good TV.

3. The tall guy is not that memorable because I can’t for the life of me remember anything about the rest of their date except that some country guy sang, once again there was a weird crowd of North Carolina fans looking on and I know he got a rose.  I also know he’s going to totally freak out about other dudes getting her attention going forward.  We know this type.  It doesn’t end well.  He’s got issues and not just because, in the next shot, he’s wearing a slightly fem striped nautical tee.  He’s going to get disappointed.

4. Emily’s besties are a little “wacky.”  The group date includes a trip to the park to play football, but — lo and behold! — there’s a surprise (which in itself is hardly a surprise).  The guys are interviewed by Em’s friends, who attack like a pack of wolves in more ways than one.  Going forward, keep your eye on the blond, who is both the meanest and also the hottest for faith-obsessed sleeper Sean.  She’s the “Samantha” to Emily’s Carrie.  A wild and crazy gal.  She commands the guy to take off his shirt and then sits on the dude’s back, while he does push-ups.

5. Don’t cross Southern Barbie.  Emily sends two guys home during the group date: First, she manages to dump the skinny guy with the kid by telling him she’s letting him go home to his child (when in fact, she’s clearly not into him, perhaps because he’s sobbing).  Next, she sends Alessandro, the long-haired Lothario, home after he tells her he’s a gypsy who can’t be pinned down.  She thinks it’s a language barrier at first, but then he confirms that he knows exactly what he’s saying.  I think the problem is that Alessandro doesn’t understand the object of the show.  Right now, he’s off on the phone with the producers saying, “Wait?  What?  I was supposed to MARRY that girl?  I thought we just made out in hot tubs!”  Oddly, he’s still sad about getting dumped during the limo ride home.  (P.S. They show outtakes at the end that include him telling “Samantha” proudly that his last relationship was with his cousin and that he can’t even keep a pet, let alone a child.)

6. Once you go race car, you never go back.  Emily goes on a fancy shmancy date with Arie, who is a Dutch driver with a famous race car driving dad.  He’s been my front runner so far, but this time I found him a little … graceful for my taste.  Is it me or are some of these guys a little effeminate?  Whatev.  They hit it off.  He gets the rose.  Their kiss is tongue-filled and he has a long neck.  Ladidaaaaa.

7. Dolly Parton is married … to a man.  That’s confusing to me because I thought it was a given that she preferred women.  Who knows?   Anyway, she shows up, which is crazy pants in itself and Emily is properly blown away.  Gotta love Dolly.  I don’t know what they had to do to get her on the show.  I guess just feature Dollywood.  I want to go there so bad.  No, seriously.  I do.

8. Emily hates roller coasters.  So do I.  We’re like totally the same person.

9. The helicopter “rich” dude is as much of a douche bag as he seems and Emily doesn’t suffer fools.  He’s all upset about not getting a date this week and at the cocktail party, he actually cuts Emily off twice, once instructing her to let him finish.  Emily says she’s not into “condescending” but she’ll give him another chance (a.k.a. the producers are hoping he continues to cause problems with the other dudes in the house because they can’t always rely on the weather and “Samantha” to create good TV).

10. Once again, during the third episode, a guy shows up who I could swear I have never seen before.  This time, it’s some dude named Nate.  At the rose ceremony, the final rose is between the dancing guy and him, which doesn’t create very much tension for me because I’m like, “Who IS that guy?”  He’s saved, thank goodness, and we can all rest assure that whathisname has another shot with Emily.

In summation, I would like to posit that the best bachelorettes and bachelors are not insecure like Ashley and Jillian or real and relatable like Ali or even Ben F.  They’re impossibly proportioned like Emily and not from the coasts (or Canada).  This is America, baby.  And Emily is red, white, blue and bedazzled.

Class dismissed!

xo – N.

PS Dear Stylists: Please mess up her hair just a little bit.  It’s so perfectly curled and blond.  It seriously looks like a wig sometimes.

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