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THE BEST BACH QUOTE: My Wife Might Be On The Blue Team

By Nora Zelevansky / February 5th, 2013

This week on TheMostSincereBachelorEver, we learned some very important lessons:

1. When Tierra was a baby, an evil wizard (who must not be named) tried to destroy her after hearing a premonition that she would one day destroy him.  She was saved by her mother’s love.  The result was a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt that … wait.  No.  My bad.  That was Harry Potter.  I don’t know what her scar is from.  She probably walked into a wall.

2. Tierra has a tell when she’s lying or about to act insane: Her right eyebrow raises much higher than her left, as if it’s pointing to her and calling her crazy.  [See above Exhibit A.]

3. Girls be ganging up on bitches.  It’s true.  But let’s be honest: On The Bachelor and Bachelorette, the person who is most hated in the house is never a normal person.  Get it together, Sean!  Do you not remember Kalon and Ryan?

4. Sean thinks Lindsey (wedding dress girl) has a good heart and he can tell that Daniella is a genuine person.  That’s a surprise.  Seriously: Can we just agree that Sean thinks EVERYONE has a good heart and a sweet temperament and move on?

OR, better yet, I say we start a game where we replace the word “heart” with “rack” every time he says it.  That would actually be more accurate, as in: “Des has a really good rack!” or “I know your rack is in the right place.” or “I just don’t want my rack to get broken.”  I mean, we’d all relate to that more, right?  Because who would want their rack broken??

5. Tierra demonstrated that she’s “not a drama person” by cackling like crazy person (eyebrow alert! eyebrow alert!) at the news of her two-on-one date, showing up like a total stalker at the group date and then pulling the “Scorpio” card during an argument with Robyn at the cocktail party.  I feel that I can safely say as a Scorpio myself that it’s girls like her that give us a bad name Zodiac-wise.  (She’s probably also a Wiccan, who thinks she’s a “feminist” because she’s a “goddess” and thinks that being psycho and vengeful has something to do with harnessing her feminine power.)  Also, let it be known that anyone who proclaims things about themselves like “I have the biggest heart” and “I’m such a sweet girl” isn’t.  Don’t even get me started on third person talk.

6. Sean is beyond flummoxed by what’s going on in the house, although it’s pretty evident that he could just get rid of toxic Tierra and be drama-free.  For some reason, he seems to be blaming the other girls.  Is he afraid to go back on his First Impression Rose (or as I like to call it “FIR”)?  Is Tierra that skilled a manipulator?  Or is it just that he really connects with her “heart” (wink, wink — get it?  Rack!)?

7. Somehow Tierra is getting hypothermia or something tomorrow night, but we don’t know how.  I now officially believe that she threw herself down the stairs a few episodes back to get attention.  She’s such a Munchausen-er.  Thank goodness she’s not a drama person.  What would THAT look like?

8. Sean’s wife might be on the blue team.  And a more brilliant statement has never been made.  I know it’s been years, but THIS IS STILL AN INSANE WAY TO MEET YOUR SPOUSE!

9. I really think Sean was about to send Tierra home on the two-one-one date, but then she pulled the deceased boyfriend card.  I feel like she’s been saving that one.  Maybe that’s cynical of me.  I don’t know.  Either way, it worked.  I mean, I think that was also the first time we heard Jackie speak, so it wasn’t much competition.

10. There’s another episode tomorrow night!!!!

Anyway, that’s all for now, as Tuesday night will be another brilliant display, no doubt.  It’s an embarrassment of riches!

Literally.  I should be embarrassed to be so excited about a double dose of The Bachelor.  But I’m not.  Instead, I’m just sitting here on the couch in my new Uniqlo lounge wear, waiting to see who Sean chooses, “heart” in hand.

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 22nd, 2012

Screen shot 2012-05-22 at 12.56.24 AM
I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway … this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I’m not sure I’ll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that’s a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway … Emily is happy because she’s in Charlotte, NC, which is her “town” and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I’m liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her “mom group” and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I’m sure they don’t usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We’ll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of “real life” on her first date with Ryan.  They’re going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn’t expect this, but he’s willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She’s impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked “real” when she picked up Ryan … in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he’s honored to be part of Emily Maynard’s day.  He says her full name like she’s famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there’s a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she’s going to ask the “hard questions” and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It’s still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn’t on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he’s too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I’m already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She’s controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her “favorite” bands (she’s probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they’re slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he’s been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date? (more…)