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BEST BACHELOR QUOTE: “YOU ARE THE SIX FOR ME!”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 6th, 2013

[Is this not such a good picture of Sean that you almost think it’s not him?]

Hello!  And welcome to another episode of Tierra Gets Injured.  Tonight’s chapter is entitled, “Ms. Munchausen Takes The Plunge.”

I mean, I know the editors are making Tierra look even more insane than she is, but she is creepsville, man.  What isn’t she capable of?  Either I’m remembering incorrectly or she’s one of the creepiest Bachelorettes in the history of the show.  Am I right?

But I’m getting ahead of myself … first things first:

Did you know that Sean loves Canada?  He thinks it’s really genuine and has a good heart (ahem, rack).  Just kidding.  He didn’t say that, but I did see him try to give a moose a rose.

Still, Lake Louise in Alberta looks insanely pretty.  I kinda want to go there now, so being featured on The Bachelor works evidently.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to think we should all hang out with Sean cause he’s magic!  Did you know that Catherine never gets cold when she’s with him?  Even though they’re playing during their one-on-one on a GLACIER.  He must be like a human force field.  Anyway, they go on a one-on-one and she’s all adorable and they giggle together in the freezing snow.  Apparently, that proves she’s fun.  (Um. No thanks.  That looks COLD.)

She tells him her traumatic story, which is about seeing a fellow camper get killed by a falling tree at 12-years-old.  It’s sad and you can tell it still really makes her upset.  Sean says “thank you” in response–I guess, for sharing?  But it makes no sense.  I kind of get the feeling he’d say “Thank you!” in response to almost anything:

Catherine: “Sometimes I stab myself in the eye, Sean, and that’s why I wanted to meet you.”

Sean: “Why, thank you!  I can tell you have a sweet heart.  I mean, rack.”

Anyway, that’s all well and good and then the group date happens.  For some reason (a.k.a. he don’t like the chick), Sean has skipped Daniella’s one-on-one, though she hasn’t had one yet, and chooses Des.  I’m guessing because they had a weird uncomfortable exchange at the last cocktail party?

And now … the group date is the moment we’ve all been waiting for thanks to the promo of Tierra on a stretcher!   Turns out they’re Polar Bear Plunging.  Lindsay (wedding dress girl) is excited.  Lesley (DC girl) is attached to Sean at the hip.  Selma, who I normally think is annoying, gets points in my book for saying, “HELL NO.”  But not in those words, of course.  AshLee F. is almost in tears, but does it anyway.  Daniella hopes they can get “hot and cold” together, whatever that means.  Poor girl.  She’s so obviously going home soon.

They jump in the water.  It’s sort of hard to see, but, from what I can tell, they all run out into towels except for Tierra, who opts to hop around freezing until she turns blue and needs a medic.  (Of course, there is a medic on hand because this season is not only about TheMostSincereBachelorEver, but also about how best to injure aspiring starlets, looking for love.)  Anyway, Tierra, who is “not a drama person,” creates drama as usual and needs to be rushed home for warmth, so she doesn’t get hypothermia.

All I can think is, this girl has it DOWN.  How does she always injure herself enough for emergency care and extra Sean time, but never enough for lasting damage?  I mean, there is a one armed girl CANOEING for goodness sake and all anyone can do is worry about Tierra???

Anyway, Sean visits her in bed while she’s recuperating and then tells her to stay home for the rest of the date because he feels secure in his feelings for her (which should be the feeling that she’s certifiable).  Anyway, as if that’s going to stop Ms. Munchausen.

Meanwhile, back at the group date, Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family and freaks him out.  Ruh roh.  The girls debrief on Tierra as a damsel in distress and have a good laugh about her concussion from falling UP the stairs.

Then, Tierra shows up like a psycho psycho psycho.  Brilliant Lesley calls her a Tierra-rist, which is GENIUS!!!  Love.

Lindsay says, “If Sean winds up with her, he’s going to exhausted.  Blegh.  That’s my nightmare.”  They also say that Tierra is too young to get married, which makes me want to check Tierra’s age … cause isn’t Lindsey only 24-years-old?  They’re the same age.

Lindsay makes out with Sean the whole time.  But Lesley gets the rose!

Later that evening or maybe the next day, Sean returns and pulls Sarah aside.  He’s not feeling it and, frankly, it’s a little heartbreaking, as she says guys always tell her that’s great … for someone else.  Cause I believe her.  Poor thing.

Next up is the one-on-one with Des.  They’re repelling down a mountain and that is apparently a big metaphor for relationships.  Only I think it’s a metaphor for doing something semi-dangerous in Canada.  Des says she has opened her heart (rack) to the experience.  Sean says she has a big heart (rack).  And so on from there.

During their bonding time in the evening by a fire, Des confides to Sean (and us) that she grew up with barely any money in tents and trailers and such.  She says it’s because her parents prioritized family and love.  Maybe?  But wouldn’t that kind of include not making your kids live in a tent?  Maybe not.

She also says that her upbringing is why she is “so humble” and again I am struck by the fact that people who are actually humble don’t say things like that.  If Tierra wasn’t around, I think we’d notice some bad behavior on Des’ part.  Just saying.

Anyway, she and Sean are lovey dovey.  He’ll probably pick her in the end and then she’ll dumb him four months later and become the next Bachelorette or like a host on E News.

Then, there’s the cocktail party and, honestly, Sean probably won’t pick Lindsay in the end, but he should, because the other girls are all about crying and their trauma and she just wants to make out and laugh.  Plus, she’s the nicest one at core, it seems.

He has to send two ladies home and this is the first time I’m not sure who he’ll send.  Daniella is a given (she is SO Bachelor Pad!), but who else?  He just blindfolded AshLee F. and kissed her, so she’s staying (despite the appalling spelling of her name).

In the end, it’s Selma who goes, despite having given him a pretty awkward and chaste peck earlier (and despite the fact that the kiss would shame her family).  Maybe it’s because she didn’t Polar Bear Plunge, but I doubt it.

And now is when it gets good because the remaining six girls are all contenders (well, expect Tierra).  Toasting with champagne and promises of tropical weather in St. Croix, Sean professes, “I’d developed feelings for both those girls, but I was just overwhelmed by a sense of clarity.  I know you six are the ones for me!”

If that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: It’s All Over Now [Bachelor Pad]

By Nora Zelevansky / September 14th, 2010

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For the first time in a few weeks, I turned on Bachelor Pad tonight and, lo and behold, it's the season finale!  I missed a few weeks, so I'm totally lost.

JUST KIDDING!!!

I'm not gonna get lost when it concerns these monkeys.

Elizabeth is still orange from spray tan and now she has a weird stripe on the top of her head and she's still psycho (that dance teacher should expect a dead rabbit in the mail any day now).  Kovacs still doesn't like her no matter how much she blackmails him.

Kiptyn and Tenley give new meaning to the word "vanilla."  Hi Kiptyn's bald spot!  I missed you!

David is still date rape aggressive and Natalie is still begging people to touch her boobs.  They're a perfect couple!

After some of the worst dancing in the history of this and any other universe, Kiptyn says choosing who will go to the finale is one of the hardest decisions of his life.  He's clearly had it really hard thus far. Elizabeth says that hopefully she won a relationship with Kovacs, which is worth $250,000.  Except not so much because he was already like struggling not to hit on the dance teacher.

Enter "live studio audience" full of even bigger losers than me.  In really happy news, Elizabeth's hair is brown again.  THANK GOODNESS.  What shameless colorist agreed to make that psycho a blond?  And why doesn't Melissa ever smile?  Is it me or does she have no charm AT ALL as a host?

Also, I would like to discuss these peoples' ages.  Dave is only 28?  I thought he was like 80!  And Gia is 26?  Um, yeah.  Me too.  Are your boobs real too?

Wes and Gia tongue it down–My eyes! My eyes!!!  And suddenly it's Survivor: Everyone gets to ask questions and then vote on who gets the money.  No offense, Chris, but where is Jeff Probst?  LOVE Jeff Probst.

My favorite character on this show is the audience.  Is it just me or are they just booing and cheering arbitrarily.  Maybe they're drunk?  Can I give the audience $250,000?

Also, I think they should have a reality show starring crazy Michelle, crazy Craig and crazy Elizabeth.  Imagine?  Who would watch the other one sleep first?  They'd have to take all the knives out of the house!

Anyway, Dave and Natalie seemed to be doing well, until it came out that Dave thinks anyone on the show over 30 is a loser.  Um, news flash, Dave.  Anyone on the show period is a loser.

And the winner is (spoiler alert!) … you.  You get to watch real TV now that summer is over!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: Life at the Pad [Bachelor Pad]

By Nora Zelevansky / August 17th, 2010

Picture 2

This week on Bachelor Pad, crazy Tenley vomited in her own pie and then ate it.  And that's not a euphemism.

People, if you are not watching this show, you are CRAZY.  And also probably holding onto your brain cells a little longer.

Never fear, it's not too late: In the "Scenes From Next Week," it looks like Wes actually deigns to play that same shit love song from his Jillian season ("Girl, Love Don't Come Easssy"–and apparently neither does writing a second song) for Gia and she actually compares him to Shakespeare.

Does this chick NOT watch TV?  Apparently, her breast implants didn't come with a complimentary brain.  Or satellite dish.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: Bachelor Padded Room

By Nora Zelevansky / August 10th, 2010

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Pull out the Z-Pack course of antibiotics and the Purell, here comes Bachelor Pad!

They should rename this show "Oompa Loompa Pad."  Never has so much self-tanner existed in the same 3000 square foot space.  It's probably a health hazard.  I think there's probably a noxious orange cloud hanging over the house.  Or maybe it will all evaporate into the air, come together and form a mutant super villain, TAN MAN.  DR. ORANGE. BURNT SIENNA.  DR. BURNT SIENNA.  Ooooooh: DR. RUST.

Anyway, sooo many breast implants, waxed chests and mixed metaphors.

I think this show is genius.  But then I threw out my back and am popping pain-killers.  What did you guys think?

I loved Tenley's totally manic perkiness and then ugly cry face after crazy Michelle pulled a Misery in the restroom.  I loved Elizabeth's fatal attraction moment with Jesse, where she tried to blackmail him into liking her and tells him what to say to her.  (By the way, harassing a guy and constantly pulling him aside at parties and trying to blackmail him into liking you and then crying is a REALLY good way to make him like you.)  So is dying your skin orange AND your hair yellow.

ELIZABETH, that means you.

If you're a boy, probably your favorite part was anything Gia.  I've decided that within the Bachelor/Bachelorette "scene" (and there clearly is one), Gia is like a minor celebrity.  They all like freaked out when she showed up at the house.  OMG — It's GIA!!!!

You know, what kind of scares me though?  The thought of having to sleep in that bunk bed room.  Like I need to deep breath just thinking about it.  I mean, seriously you get no privacy, and there's like "lights out" time.  BLEH.  Not to mention the fake tanner fumes.

Anyway, this show rocks.  Craig M. is nast.  David is a date rapist (I haven't forgotten since his last season).  Juan is serial killer icky.  The Weatherman cries when he kisses girls and yet he pretends his strategy involves hooking up. And this show ROCKS.

Just sayin'.

xo – N.

P.S. I thought it was interesting that dates can be based on crushing on someone or just on strategy like Survivor.  The tribe has spoken!