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BEST BACHELOR QUOTE: “YOU ARE THE SIX FOR ME!”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 6th, 2013

[Is this not such a good picture of Sean that you almost think it’s not him?]

Hello!  And welcome to another episode of Tierra Gets Injured.  Tonight’s chapter is entitled, “Ms. Munchausen Takes The Plunge.”

I mean, I know the editors are making Tierra look even more insane than she is, but she is creepsville, man.  What isn’t she capable of?  Either I’m remembering incorrectly or she’s one of the creepiest Bachelorettes in the history of the show.  Am I right?

But I’m getting ahead of myself … first things first:

Did you know that Sean loves Canada?  He thinks it’s really genuine and has a good heart (ahem, rack).  Just kidding.  He didn’t say that, but I did see him try to give a moose a rose.

Still, Lake Louise in Alberta looks insanely pretty.  I kinda want to go there now, so being featured on The Bachelor works evidently.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to think we should all hang out with Sean cause he’s magic!  Did you know that Catherine never gets cold when she’s with him?  Even though they’re playing during their one-on-one on a GLACIER.  He must be like a human force field.  Anyway, they go on a one-on-one and she’s all adorable and they giggle together in the freezing snow.  Apparently, that proves she’s fun.  (Um. No thanks.  That looks COLD.)

She tells him her traumatic story, which is about seeing a fellow camper get killed by a falling tree at 12-years-old.  It’s sad and you can tell it still really makes her upset.  Sean says “thank you” in response–I guess, for sharing?  But it makes no sense.  I kind of get the feeling he’d say “Thank you!” in response to almost anything:

Catherine: “Sometimes I stab myself in the eye, Sean, and that’s why I wanted to meet you.”

Sean: “Why, thank you!  I can tell you have a sweet heart.  I mean, rack.”

Anyway, that’s all well and good and then the group date happens.  For some reason (a.k.a. he don’t like the chick), Sean has skipped Daniella’s one-on-one, though she hasn’t had one yet, and chooses Des.  I’m guessing because they had a weird uncomfortable exchange at the last cocktail party?

And now … the group date is the moment we’ve all been waiting for thanks to the promo of Tierra on a stretcher!   Turns out they’re Polar Bear Plunging.  Lindsay (wedding dress girl) is excited.  Lesley (DC girl) is attached to Sean at the hip.  Selma, who I normally think is annoying, gets points in my book for saying, “HELL NO.”  But not in those words, of course.  AshLee F. is almost in tears, but does it anyway.  Daniella hopes they can get “hot and cold” together, whatever that means.  Poor girl.  She’s so obviously going home soon.

They jump in the water.  It’s sort of hard to see, but, from what I can tell, they all run out into towels except for Tierra, who opts to hop around freezing until she turns blue and needs a medic.  (Of course, there is a medic on hand because this season is not only about TheMostSincereBachelorEver, but also about how best to injure aspiring starlets, looking for love.)  Anyway, Tierra, who is “not a drama person,” creates drama as usual and needs to be rushed home for warmth, so she doesn’t get hypothermia.

All I can think is, this girl has it DOWN.  How does she always injure herself enough for emergency care and extra Sean time, but never enough for lasting damage?  I mean, there is a one armed girl CANOEING for goodness sake and all anyone can do is worry about Tierra???

Anyway, Sean visits her in bed while she’s recuperating and then tells her to stay home for the rest of the date because he feels secure in his feelings for her (which should be the feeling that she’s certifiable).  Anyway, as if that’s going to stop Ms. Munchausen.

Meanwhile, back at the group date, Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family and freaks him out.  Ruh roh.  The girls debrief on Tierra as a damsel in distress and have a good laugh about her concussion from falling UP the stairs.

Then, Tierra shows up like a psycho psycho psycho.  Brilliant Lesley calls her a Tierra-rist, which is GENIUS!!!  Love.

Lindsay says, “If Sean winds up with her, he’s going to exhausted.  Blegh.  That’s my nightmare.”  They also say that Tierra is too young to get married, which makes me want to check Tierra’s age … cause isn’t Lindsey only 24-years-old?  They’re the same age.

Lindsay makes out with Sean the whole time.  But Lesley gets the rose!

Later that evening or maybe the next day, Sean returns and pulls Sarah aside.  He’s not feeling it and, frankly, it’s a little heartbreaking, as she says guys always tell her that’s great … for someone else.  Cause I believe her.  Poor thing.

Next up is the one-on-one with Des.  They’re repelling down a mountain and that is apparently a big metaphor for relationships.  Only I think it’s a metaphor for doing something semi-dangerous in Canada.  Des says she has opened her heart (rack) to the experience.  Sean says she has a big heart (rack).  And so on from there.

During their bonding time in the evening by a fire, Des confides to Sean (and us) that she grew up with barely any money in tents and trailers and such.  She says it’s because her parents prioritized family and love.  Maybe?  But wouldn’t that kind of include not making your kids live in a tent?  Maybe not.

She also says that her upbringing is why she is “so humble” and again I am struck by the fact that people who are actually humble don’t say things like that.  If Tierra wasn’t around, I think we’d notice some bad behavior on Des’ part.  Just saying.

Anyway, she and Sean are lovey dovey.  He’ll probably pick her in the end and then she’ll dumb him four months later and become the next Bachelorette or like a host on E News.

Then, there’s the cocktail party and, honestly, Sean probably won’t pick Lindsay in the end, but he should, because the other girls are all about crying and their trauma and she just wants to make out and laugh.  Plus, she’s the nicest one at core, it seems.

He has to send two ladies home and this is the first time I’m not sure who he’ll send.  Daniella is a given (she is SO Bachelor Pad!), but who else?  He just blindfolded AshLee F. and kissed her, so she’s staying (despite the appalling spelling of her name).

In the end, it’s Selma who goes, despite having given him a pretty awkward and chaste peck earlier (and despite the fact that the kiss would shame her family).  Maybe it’s because she didn’t Polar Bear Plunge, but I doubt it.

And now is when it gets good because the remaining six girls are all contenders (well, expect Tierra).  Toasting with champagne and promises of tropical weather in St. Croix, Sean professes, “I’d developed feelings for both those girls, but I was just overwhelmed by a sense of clarity.  I know you six are the ones for me!”

If that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is.

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: Dolly Does Bachelorette & The Third Episode “New Guy” Shows His Face!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 31st, 2012

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Hello, Class.  I trust that you all slept well and are ready for today’s lesson entitled, “What We Learned From The Third Episode of The Bachelorette With Emily Maynard.”

Shall we begin?

1. Chris Harrison has a really cush job.  He explains how the week’s dates will go down to the guys and then excuses himself for the entire episode.  Cha-ching.  (That’s the sound of his divorce attorney getting paid.)  Students, if you’re smart, you’ll all become reality TV hosts, even if it requires dimple implant surgery (D.I.S.).

2. The producers have a deal with the weather gods.  As Emily and her first one-on-one date of the night (tall creepy guy, who seems kind of obsessive) scale a building’s exterior (though it looks as if they’re just being pulled up), a huge lightening and thunder storm threatens.  Draaama.  You know the crew is down below high-fiving each other for creating such good TV.

3. The tall guy is not that memorable because I can’t for the life of me remember anything about the rest of their date except that some country guy sang, once again there was a weird crowd of North Carolina fans looking on and I know he got a rose.  I also know he’s going to totally freak out about other dudes getting her attention going forward.  We know this type.  It doesn’t end well.  He’s got issues and not just because, in the next shot, he’s wearing a slightly fem striped nautical tee.  He’s going to get disappointed. (more…)

The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 22nd, 2012

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I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway … this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I’m not sure I’ll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that’s a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway … Emily is happy because she’s in Charlotte, NC, which is her “town” and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I’m liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her “mom group” and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I’m sure they don’t usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We’ll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of “real life” on her first date with Ryan.  They’re going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn’t expect this, but he’s willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She’s impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked “real” when she picked up Ryan … in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he’s honored to be part of Emily Maynard’s day.  He says her full name like she’s famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there’s a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she’s going to ask the “hard questions” and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It’s still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn’t on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he’s too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I’m already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She’s controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her “favorite” bands (she’s probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they’re slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he’s been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date? (more…)

THE BEST (Well, First) JACKET COVER!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 17th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-05-17 at 2.11.02 PM

Usually the jackets I get excited about have zippers or buttons.  This one is a little different: It's the jacket cover for my book Semi-Charmed Life!

I am beyond psyched and not just because my name appears to be spelled correctly.  (My worst fear was that it will be wrong, which you no doubt understand if you went through life with a name anything like "Zelevansky.")  It's all getting a bit more real as I get closer to the release date.

Anyway, here's it is on the wooden floor of my living room.

And here it is below in black and white … because I have lost my mind and can't think about anything else.

That high-level distraction is ALSO why I missed this first Bachelorette recap post.  I know some of my friends and fellow fans feel like Emily is too much to take, but I am on board.  One episode in and I'm already hooked.  Plus, after Ben F. and Ashley H., I feel like I need this as a palate cleanser.  The Bachelor and Bachelorette should be all Southern or Middle American and Barbie and Ken-like, I think.  It works best like this.

xo – N.

P.S. If you'd like to find out about my upcoming book readings in various cities, you can become a fan of my author page on FB and you'll get alerted to all that information!  (Who am I?  It's so weird to say things like this!)

Screen shot 2012-05-17 at 2.11.58 PM

 

SUMMER TRAVEL & SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION [Ritz Spa Treatments, Elie Saab Perfume, Elkin’s Launch, Bachelorette Gossip & More]

By Nora Zelevansky / August 11th, 2011

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Not that I have been nearly as attentive to you chickadees as I should be, but I'm about to be even worse.

Wait — there's worse than one or two posts a week?  Why, yes.  There is.

I'm about to take a hiatus from all things work and writing and instead loll by, well, wherever they'll let me.  (And by "they" I mean the authorities.)

Still, in the meantime, I did want to leave you with some light reading that spans many different genres.  A little bit for everyone, perhaps?  Here goes:

Okay, first, I am OBSESSED with this brand new line by two sisters out of Downtown LA (see above Lake dress).  Their newest collection — the first full one — launched August 1.  I wrote about them for C Magazine and then about their official launch for Daily Candy.  Read up and shop!  How much do you want this lace dress?

Of course, my SELF.com blog "Fit Like Us" (which will be continuing over the next few weeks, despite my hiatus) covers all things fitness and health throughout the week.

For all you brides-to-be, I have a feature in the new Martha Stewart Weddings about wedding music and the country's best bands, DJs and D.I.Y. playlists.

Elie Saab has a new fragrance launching, which you can read about here in my story for elle.com.

The Ritz-Carlton Downtown just launched an insane, entirely new Spa menu, really their first major endeavor — very red carpet etc.  Read about it here at Style.com.

Also, I didn't write this article, but for all you fellow Bachelorette whores, here's some gossip on how Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ben F. "The Wine Guy" started dating.  Um. Yeah.

And … I have nothing to do with this show either, but I am OBSESSED with the new MTV show Awkward and I feel like I need to spread the word, so it doesn't get canceled like Huge.  The opening line to this last episode, "It was homecoming week and like an uncomfortably misguided tampon, it was impossible to ignore."

GENIUS!

Lastly, if you haven't yet, you MUST try the chocolate Zico coconut water.  It's INSANE.  Lactards, it will change your life.

And, with that, I guess I'm out.  Talk to you later, dudes.  Happy end of summer!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: BENTLEY WISHES HE WAS FROM HELL [THE BACHELORETTE]

By Nora Zelevansky / June 7th, 2011

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Yup.  It's the episode we've all been waiting for since the show started … only two weeks ago?  Jeez.  It seems like years.  Anyway, it's Bentley time.

In Ashley's talking head at the start of the episode, she says: "Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet."  And then, for good humiliating measure, she adds (or they edit her in saying), "I can't believe all these guys want to date me."

But they don't.  And we already know that.  Because we saw what's "coming up" on this episode.  Ruh roh.

Anyway, Ashley goes with some guy named Ben (who is not the wine guy) on the first one-on-one date and she's really excited because she says she's created something that I don't understand at all that has to do with dancing (and she says this like we have any effing clue what she's talking about).

All we need to know: Ashley is dancing yet again and I'm starting to wonder if even she is "here for the right reasons."  What was that again about Bentley trying to further his career (ahem)?  Why do I feel like dentistry is not in her future, unless she chips something during the next season of "Dancing With The Stars"?  Yeah, you know she'll be on it.

While dancing, Ben says "she became miles more attractive to me."  A) Does that mean that he found her kind of nasty before?  B) REALLY, BEN??  What is wrong with you? C) They are totes at The Grove.

Oh, I finally understand what she was saying: "Flash Mob."  That girl needs to take a diction course.  Also, why are all her dates SO lame???  This is so unspeakably embarrassing that it makes Ed's erectile dysfunction during Jillian's season seem cool.

Ben says he wants to live in an "unrealistic, idealistic bubble," where they believe they're "more in love than anyone else."  Well, that sounds like a good foundation for a solid relationship.  This guy is bonkers.  He admits that if he was in the real world, he'd be wrestling with whether to add an emoticon to his text to her.  RED FLAG! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ;P

On the other hand, I am LOVING the organ music they're playing everytime the masked man shows up!  PS Why are there flowers embossed on that thing?  Could he have picked a weirder mask?  Do you think it smells after all these days?  He draws out revealing himself like nobody's business blah, blah.  And when he does, he basically looks exactly the same as you expect and says (without irony or even a smile), "Hi.  I'm Jeff."

HA!!!!  That is the best thing ever.  You can't make this shit up.  What a weirdo.  Ashley says he looks older than she thought.  Well, that backfired. :p

Then, suddenly, Jeffrey Ross is on my TV and I'm wondering what the hell he is doing on The Bachelorette.  Apparently, this episode is all about making Ashley feel like crap because, not only did she dance like an idiot at an outdoor mall and is she getting dumped by Bentley later, but also the guys are being instructed to insult her.

But I'm sure it will go well because her self-esteem is so good.

See?  Bentley wants us to think he's the devil, but it's really the producers who are chilling in hell.  The guy with 700 graduate degrees says that this is the most traumatic thing that he has ever had to do.  I guess his Porsche can't help him now.

Meanwhile, William believes that this is his big break as a comedian.  I don't think this is going to go well for him.  He's willing to make Ashley cry to impress Jeffrey Ross, which I half respect, except is ANYONE on this show not BLATANTLY trying to make it in Hollywood?  Maybe only Bentley.  Oh, the irony.  Anyway, they could hide it at least.

The reoccurring jokes seem to be about Ashley's small boobs and the fact that she got dumped by Brad.  Oh, yeah.  She thinks this is HILARIOUS.

She's excited to hear William because they "actually know each other."  After all, she "spent a whole day with him."  She literally looks like she's going to cry when he says that he would rather date Emily or Chantal (who did have bigger boobs BTW).  Even Bentley thinks he's a jerk.  He gets booed.

And then she cries.  And it's pretty sad.  Bentley pretends in V.O. that he goes to talk to her to "screw with her head," but he's really just comforting her.  Way to punish her with hugs.  At this point, I just think he's trying too hard to seem "evil."  It bores me.  I don't even buy it.

At the post party, she admits to all the guys at once that she's very insecure and was worried that they would all turn back around when they got out of the limo that first day.

BTW–You know what's NOT hot?  Naked insecurity.

Oh no.  And now William is crying too.  And he says he should go home.  Does he WANT to go home?  And he tells her to go talk to the other guys to cheer her spirits.  Um.  Really?  He walks out and starts wandering Hollywood Boulevard at night.  That's not a very good idea and really not a nice place to walk.  He sits at a bus stop and I feel like he should move because it's probably some crazy homeless person's bed.

Some guy named Ryan cheers Ashley up by telling her that he hoped it would be her on the show.  I have no idea who he is, though I know I've seen him before, but what else is new?

J.P. gets the second one-on-one date.  His date card says, "There's no place like home."  None of the guys can figure out what that means.  Maybe it means that you're going to hang out at her home?  Just guessing.

And then there's a twist!  Ashley tells Bentley that she was "contacted" about him before the show started and heard bad things.  Why do I feel like she's talking about her alien abduction?  OKAY. SHUT UP.  Bentley says that this probably coming from Michelle Money, who knows his ex-wife.

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Remember her????  How crazy pants was she???  YAY!  I LOVE this franchise.  I mean, it is so genius and idiotic!  I feel like they're just talking about pretend people, but they're NOT!  They're talking about real people named "Money"!

Anyway … Ashley says that if Bentley left she would be sadder than she was with Brad.  She says she believes everything he said.  Which, by the way, was NOTHING.  Bentley says he wants to leave, but he's afraid it's "going to hurt her a little bit."  Oh.  You're so baaaad.  Ashley says she's in love.

Bentley packs his shit to go.  He tells the guys he's leaving cause of his daughter and then he calls them "stupid" for believing him.  Um, yeah, they believed you because they have absolutely no reason not to.  What skill is there in that?  No one thinks you're lying cause there's no upside to lying and then telling the truth to camera!  Why is he acting like he pulled something off?  He got nothing out of this.  Kudos, you idiot.

Anyway, he actually seems super nervous to tell Ashley he's leaving, which just proves my point that he's only fake mean.  That's even lamer than if he was really evil.  He keeps hugging her and wiping the hair from her face.  SO MEAN!  Don't get me wrong.  The guys is a douche.  But he's so not a real villain.  I almost think he started to like her a little bit and was afraid of what his friends at home would say.

She cries again.  And he totally cries because he misses his daughter, which he pretends he's doing on purpose in the V.O.  Sorry, Charlie.  You're not that good an actor.  I ain't buying it. 🙁 🙁 🙁

He says even if he's not coming back, he wants to keep the "dot dot dot there," so their "chapter" won't end.  With absurd drama in her voice, Ashley repeats "dot, dot, dot."  It's called an "ellipsis" people!

Anyway, he leaves, she cries and then, when her JP date starts (yes, at home), she's mellow and sort of grumpy.  And, you know what?  I think I like her better this way.  Stop trying so hard, woman!  When you stop trying, you're actually more tolerable.  She puts on glasses.  Dude, she so doesn't care what any of these other guys think anymore — at least for a few hours.  Two words: Friend. Vibe.

She says there's something about J.P.'s kisses.  Maybe it's the wine?  "J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department," she says.  Good for you, Ashley!

Rose ceremony: Chris Harrison is trying to basically talk Ashley out of caring about Bentley.  She admits that maybe Bentley was a fraud.  She says, "It's hard cause it all ended with a dot, dot, dot."  Chris says, "That's such a guy thing to say."  He says if Bentley actually liked her, he would have fought for her.

But she is too busy with her pity party to even notice.  She keeps saying, "He was my guy!"  You know when someone keeps repeating the same language that way, she's just all involved in the movie of her own life.

No cocktail party.  She addresses her insecurity AGAIN, explaining it AGAIN.  We get it, dude.  UUUUUGH.

And it happened!  It happened!  It's the 3rd episode and I just saw some blonde guy with short hair who I have NEVER seen before!  I mean, NEVER.  It's inevitable!  WHO IS THAT GUY?  His name is Lucas.  Who is Lucas?

Ultimately, she sends home the masked man and some other dude who looks vaguely familiar, who does a great job of holding it together.  Bravo.  And bye bye, masked man!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: The End–What will we do???

By Nora Zelevansky / August 3rd, 2010

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On the most dramatic Bachelorette finale ever, Ali wears yellow.  Again.

Dude.  When she said she was going to "break the rules," I thought she meant she might wear like green or something.

I don't know who I feel worse for: Chris L. or Ali's brother.  I can't believe the family talked on national TV about dressing him up in feather boas.  Poor guy.  Now he'll never get laid.

Anyway, as usual, Ali "No Poker Face" McGee made it obvious she was more into Roberto from the very beginning and sort of took the steam out of the reveal (which I called BTW).  Just saying.

To be fair, guessing plot-lines is a special talent of mine.

But this isn't about me.  This is about three morons on an island.

It's impossible not to feel awful for Chris L. (the next Bachelor, I assume?).  He keeps talking about being in love and how his parents had that etc.  Ugh.  Ali.  How could you string this guy – of all guys – along?  He's still a disaster because of his mother.  And why is she taking so long to break it to him?  Why does she keep saying she doesn't know what to do, when she knows exactly what she's doing?  Why does she seem so giddy?

Ali says, "This wasn't an easy decision."  But, I mean, it was.  Because she's letting him go before the proposal day even comes.  To be fair, though, I guess if you don't know which guy to choose the day before they propose, it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.  Like, you SHOULD know already.

Luckily, Chris sees a rainbow, which IS kind of touching.  And then, if he can learn how to annunciate, I think he'll make a lovely Bachelor contestant.

Neil Lane looks well-preserved blah blah.  Meanwhile, I sort of think by next year that Ali will be host on E! or something, but she and Roberto have as good a chance as any of the past contestants, I think.  If she really loves him, he does seems pretty sweet.  But then he also said right before proposing, "I don't think I've ever thought as much I have today."  Brain trust, he's not.

I think I discovered that the key to getting picked is kissing someone awkwardly while hanging high up in the air, either like Vienna from a bungee or Roberto on a tightrope.

Cue … Lion King music?  Okay.

So, then, Frank bailed on "After the Final Rose."  Wait–Frank freaked out and had a "change of heart"?  How odd and surprising.  WHATEVER.  He probably broke up with that girl and felt like a moron, that neurotic mess.

Anywa, blah blah.  Chris is understanding.  Roberto made me think they were sort of normal when said, "I can't believe we met on a TV show."  And I'm bored because the reveal already happened and I don't care about listening to them blabber about their true love and or watching them reminisce about things that I watched five minutes ago.

Via con dios, you guys.  Adios hair extensions, Ali (I hope), and Chris Harrison saying Roberto's name all weird: "RoberTO."  And hola Bachelor Pad.

xo – N.

P.S.  What do you think?  Will Bachelor Pad be sucky like Top Chef Masters?

P.P.S.  Did you know that the bachelorette doesn't get to keep the ring, unless they stay with the guy for a certain amount of time?

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: On a very special episode of “Frank Hijacks The Bachelorette” …

By Nora Zelevansky / July 20th, 2010

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This week on Frank Goes to Chicago ... oh, wait.  That's not what this show is supposed to be about.  This is The Bachelorette.  Ali is supposed to find love.

But, no, instead we're stuck listening to some loser named Frank ramble on and on in this incredibly whiny voice about how pivotal this moment is for him because he might find love with Ali or his ex-girlfriend and his love for Ali is actually fueling his love for his ex-girlfriend, which makes no sense AT ALL.  Meanwhile, all I can think is, why would ANYONE want to date this sweaty narcissistic dork?  Let alone bring him to a Fantasy Suite?

Two words: Heebie jeebies.

Three more words: Potential serial killer.

By the way, if any guy besides Drewser ever happens to profess his love for me, I really hope he does it like Frank, beginning by telling me how amazing his relationship is with another woman and also about how this other woman doesn't know I exist.  I can see why this ex-girlfriend of his just melts.

Anyway, she has crazy eyes like him.  Plus, she actually utters the words, "You complete me" basically, so she's CLEARLY a loser too.

Does anyone feel like this guy wasted our time as well as Ali's?  Andre pointed out that, of course, this would have been more interesting if we hadn't known it was coming for so long.  True dat.

Anyway, now I feel like Ali is like the Jennifer Aniston of Bachelorette contestants.  I'm like,  POOR ALI!  Team Ali!!!!  I want to make t-shirts!!

Anyway, cue Latin Roberto music … do the editors seriously have NO shame?  I hope that they're at least laughing the whole damn time cause if it's meant earnestly, I like can't deal.  Anyway, Ali says she thinks Roberto would make a perfect husband and I kind of agree, although I'm not sure you say that about someone you actually FEEL that way about, so much as somebody you WANT to feel that way about.  But it does seem like she likes him and she's obviously super attracted to him anyway.  Roberto stalls for 500 years before he says that he's falling in love with her, but he eventually gets it out.

Then Ali hands him a card.  My gosh.  What could that be?  A note you say?  From Chris Harrison?  What's that you say?  Fantasy Suite?  What could that be?  My favorite thing about the fantasy dates is how she has to pretend that the whole note thing is brand new each time.  "Wow.  Never seen one of those before!"  Cut to Roberto with his shirt off and a fluttering closed curtain.

Next, Ali embraces Chris L., but weirdly she doesn't follow that up with, "Guess who I did last night?"  I mean, WHAT I did.  Get your mind out of the gutter, people.  I wish he would stop being so damn awk.  He was so funny in the talking heads, when she wasn't around at the beginning of the season!  I know this is totally absurd because I eat oysters, but did anyone else feel kind of bad for the shell fish, when they started just randomly opening shells?  Like, hey, kill that guy!  He might have a pearl!  Chris should totally make Ali earrings out of them.

Ali says she is looking forward to "seeing what tonight brings" with Chris L.  Does that mean what I think means?  Size queen.  You know, she doesn't have any anxiety or guilt about this process at all, as far as I can tell.  I'm sort of impressed.  Anyway, he ain't no Ed.  This guy is like, "Um. duh.  Let's go to the Fantasy Suite ASAP!"  At least this season, the Fantasy Suites are different rooms, so she doesn't have to pretend she's never seen it before every night.  Chris L. says his mother is smiling down right now.  I think maybe she's averting her eyes.  I mean, Fantasy Suite and all.

Then Frank's back and I just want to barf on him too much to even comment.  He's a self-involved shit blob.  He's never going to be happy with anyone.  He's too neurotic.  'Nuff said.  Although it is sort of funny to watch Chris Harrison pretend he doesn't already know about Frank's "bad news" and ask with a straight face, "How do you think she'll take this?"

Well, Chris.  I think she'll take it well.

Apparently, we're all in the movie of Frank's life.  Then, of course, he's crying.  This guy is headed for a full on psychotic break anyway.  Better not to be with him then.  BYE BYE, FRANKIEEE.  See you in hell.

Anyway … Ali's wearing a dress that's not good for her at the rose ceremony.  EEKS.  Ali says she doesn't want the guys to feel they're here by default cause they aren't.  But they kind of are because she was planning to take Frank home.  I guess she would have sent Chris L. home?  Who knows …

Personally, I think she's better off.  And off we go through another week … just waiting for our next rose ceremony.  Ugh.  Stupid reunion bullshit.  Blah, blah, blah.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: Cry Babies Come Out To Play!

By Nora Zelevansky / July 13th, 2010

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What IS this?  The Biggest Loser?  I mean, I am generally the first person to burst into tears, but it's like a cry fest around these parts lately.  And by "these parts" I mean wherever the Bachelorette cameras go.

I realize that Chris L. got cast because of his mother, Kirk got cast because of his black mold illness, Roberto got cast because–well–because he's hot and played minor league baseball and Frank got cast because–wait, why did Frank get cast?  Cause he's skittish and crazy?  But I mean, is there anything else to these peeps?

First, we visited Roberto's family (cue shameless Latin music, right C?).  I am starting to think that Ali should maybe choose him, if she can get past the fact that he is a little lacking in edge and she can actually have "feelings" for him beyond wanting to hump him right on the baseball diamond.  He seems sweet and solid and like a good catch (or as much so as one could be on The Bachelorette.)  Conversely, if he is totally earnest about this show, does that make him automatically dumb as dirt?

Next, Chris L.'s whole cute family is like raw with sadness, which Ali "No Poker Face" Fedotowsky CANNOT really handle.  Also, it's raining, while everyone else got sun.  Not quite as LITE as she seems to prefer, at least judging by her facial expressions.  On a side note, do you think if she picked him and then went out with him, she would be like "Hi, nice to see you.  This is my boyfriend, Chris L."  When does he get to drop the last initial already?  I feel like I'm in nursery school every time I hear it.

Then off to Kirk's house, where everyone cries about mold and stuff.  Kirk's "all in" now.  He's kind of growing on me actually.  Growing like black mold.  HA!  No, but really.  More like mold spores that aren't toxic.

Lastly, she's off to see Frank, who she says she likes because he's "so laid back."  Um.  Ali?  Can I ask you something?  Are you INSANE?  I think by "laid back" she must mean on the verge of a breakdown.  Just because someone jumps around and acts like a spazz with tons of nervous energy, doesn't mean he's "laid back."

But it's so obvious she likes him best.  Which is sad.  Cause he's totally about to fuck her royally.  And not in the Fantasy Suite kinda way, if you know what I mean.

Also, this has been bugging me: I would like to point out with regard to Frank that going on a three week trip to Paris is neither "moving to Paris to focus on your art" or an excuse for living with your parents.  That's called a vacation, Frank.  If that is your name.  Three weeks in Paris does not a Hemingway make, stupido.

On a separate note, all over the Internetsss, people are speculating that Ali may be Jewish.  Not that it matters anyway, but I really don't think so.  Isn't she just like Polish?  Are there Jews in Massachusetts?  I mean, outside of Newton?  One brilliant blogger speculates that Ali cannot possibly have been born Jewish because she ate an oyster on the show.  She also left her payis and horns at home.

Hmm.  I guess that means I wasn't born Jewish either cause I eat oysters too.  Huh.  I totally thought I was.  Good to know.  See?  You learn things because of The Bachelorette.

People also think Frank is Jewish.  I hope not.  He's tool city.  Where is Reid when you need him?

Anyway, in the end, Ali cries too.  It wasn't the mold or the death of a mother that turned on the water works, but rather the rose ceremony.  It's hard to be Ali.  But tonight maybe it's harder to be Kirk.  Apparently, mold does not an experienced romantic make.  But at least he didn't cry.

xo – N.

P.S. I am confused.  Chris L.'s father referenced Ali quitting her job to take care of her ailing grandmother before she died.  But didn't her grandmother pass away right before she went on the Bachelor with Jake?  Wouldn't it then follow that she had no job to leave the show for?  Maybe she only took bereavement leave or something.  Or MAYBE, just MAYBE, the producers came to her and said, "Leave the show now and you can be the Bachelorette."  But that's just a conspiracy theory.

P.P.S. Andre brilliantly pointed out that you can see Ali's arm hair stand on end in the scenes from next week, when Frank says he has something to tell her.  Good catch, Drewser!