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The Lint Collector: The Bachelor a.k.a Bitches Be Crazy

By Nora Zelevansky / January 18th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-17 at 9.32.20 PM

So many awkward moments, so little time … on this episode of The Bachelor, featuring Ben's hair flat-ironed YET AGAIN.  For the love of all things holy!  PLEASE stop styling his situation. It's at least a little better left shaggy!

Anyway, here are my top 10 favorite moments from the night:

1. When Emily and Ben climb The Golden Gate Bridge because she's obviously admitted to the producers that she's afraid of heights despite being a PhD candidate who should know better.  (If it was me, I'd tell them I was afraid of sushi and massages … although I am kind of scared of those together on a reality show date actually.)

2. When Emily freaks out like she might fall off the bridge and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose!" to try to comfort her.  Um.  Ben.  Goose dies.

3. When Emily, who seems mildly intelligent, says that Ben's kiss gives her the strength to get up the rest of the bridge.  P.S. Why are people not worried about drivers seeing them, getting distracted and crashing?

4. When Ben says that Emily is smarter than him and she doesn't disagree.  (Okay, I realize that this is a lot of Emily action, but she got the first one-on-one date and also she's my new favorite cause she cursed a bunch during the episode and sort of seems the most normal.)  I also liked during their private fireworks display, when the girls back at the hotel could see and you heard one of them screech, "I'm so ssssad right now."

5. During the group date, when Ben informs the girls that they're going, "snow skiing."  I think that's just called, "skiing," Ben.  Then when they strip down to bikinis to ski like it's a porno and there's a weird SF guy with a long beard and scraggly hair watching.

6. When the grandma girl Brittany decides to go home for some reason (Is she too insecure?  Does she really feel that she doens't deserve a chance with him?  Is she freaked out by the circumstances?  Turned off by his hair?).  Either way, grandma will be bummed.

7. When he then takes Lindzi on the date instead (why the pancake makeup, girl?) and they are forced to dance during a private concert.  So awkwaaaaard.  When they kiss only because it's better than having to dance.  And when they go to a speakeasy and she tells that bizarre story again about getting dumped via a text that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, Babe.  Population you," but it gets even weirder because she says that was the only time she's ever been in love.  I feel like that reflects really badly on her because either the guy was the biggest douchbag on the planet, she never really knew him in a year and a half of dating and/or we're not getting the full story.  Or maybe she was dating Bentley.

8. When Ben tells the redhead that she's the best kisser in the house, which she takes as a huge compliment despite the fact that he's admitting to having made out with almost everyone else in the house.

9. Of course, when Shawntel the furneral director from Brad's season shows up and they try to make her a villain, but she's kind of not.  (Of course it's her BTW because she also has parents who can't spell a name normally and that's the theme of this season.)  Is she being set up as the next Bachelorette or was this just an attempt to liven up the season?

10. The whole last 10 minutes:

A. When the personal trainer (who I call "Patty" because she looks like Millionaire Matchmaker) just sits there watching, when Ben obviously wants her to leave so he can talk to Shawntel.

B. When the girls all start crying, even the crazy pants model and blonde Rachel with the bangs, who has a rose.

C. When PhD Emily says it looks like they had chemistry.

D. When I of course see a few girls I don't recognize at all because it's the third episode and that's when girls who you swear have never been on before show up.

E. When the girls are too DUMB to realize that Shawntel and Ben have met on The Bachelor circuit, probably doing appearances, and Patty the personal trainer shouts/shrieks at Shawntel (in the WORST Jersey accent), "You don't know Ben!  You were with Brad's season!"  She was WITH Brad's season?  Okay.

F. When that blonde girl with the not so pretty face (sorry) Jaclyn, says, "What IS this?" in response to Shawntel showing up.  I want to scream at the screen, "A REALITY SHOW! Isn't it grand?"

G. When I notice that Chris Harrison's hair is getting longer.

H. When someone says on V.O., "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm going to throw up."

I. When Ben calls Samantha's name during the rose ceremony and I'm like, "Who?"

J. When the girl with the black curly hair who made fun of Shawntel's thighs has an anxiety attack (or maybe faints from not eating) and then gets sent home anyway.  Oops.  And Ben says, "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

K. When crazy pants model Courtney shows her true colors by chiding Ben for his antics at the rose ceremony and swearing she'll go home if he keeps Shawntel.  As if.

L. Well, I can't say when Shawntel goes home cause I kinda wanted her to stay.  She's pretty and I like her!  But it was classic when Courtney yelled, "Sianara!" as Ben walked Shawntel out.

M. When Shawntel says that Ben was silly to send her home out of fairness, when this is about his future wife.  (I kinda agree).

N. In scenes from next week, when everyone looks INSANE again!

For the record, my frontrunners are: Kasie B. from Tennessee, Rachel with the blonde bangs, Emily the PhD girl and, well, only cause I want him to like her, that nurse girl who took care of her whole family.  I actually don't think that redhead is going to be the thing and, when he does pick someone, that other girl is going to be PRETTY pissed that he called her the best kisser.  Maybe Nicki is up there too.  Wait?  Is Nicki the nurse?  Is that the same person?  Eh, who knows?  It doesn't matter!  This is reality TV!

Until next week!

xo – N.

 

 

 

 

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor, Take 2!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 11th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-10 at 8.01.16 PM

Phew.  Thank goodness I get to finally watch. It's been pure torture to wait!  Weirdly, it's also sort of like torture to watch.  But such is the complexity that is The Bachelor.

And we're off to Sonoma, a place that I love and I'm afraid they might taint.  I'm surprised that they let these chicks into wine country.  I'm surprised they let his HAIR into wine country too.  NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Paleeeeese stop styling his hair.  It's AWFUL.

Kacie B. has the first one-on-one date (yes, there are several Kacies).  She's cute and from Tennessee and yet another girl whose parents just made up the spelling of her name.

Courtney — the evil model — is hoping Kacie B. won't get the rose, which is not surprising.  I'm just a little shocked that she didn't start her sentence with "cause I'm a model."  Seriously, that should be a drinking game: Take a shot every time Courtney reminds us that she's a model, at least based on last week.  Why?  Cause she's a modeeel.

They get in a convertible Bronco, which I think is sort of the world's coolest car.  They're in Downtown Sonoma, which is just a quaint square.  I love it there.  Kacie B. says Ben brings out things in her that she "hasn't been in touch with in a while."  And I am starting to wonder if she's already about to say, "I'm falling for him."

Kacie B. says she has a secret to reveal: As a child, she … twirled a baton!  That's a secret?  She grabs a baton from the candy store.  Ben feels a little emasculated by twirling a baton, walking down the street.  And he should.  She's kinda boring and lame.  But whatever.  At least she's not crying in a bathroom.  They eat at The Girl & The Fig and I want to yell, "Order the burger!"

They talk about his dad.  She says their chemistry is natural.  I think it's non-existent, but Andrew (the hubby) says Ben F. just brings out the boring in people.  Time will tell!  She gets the rose.  They kiss.  Snoooooozeville.  They go to a theater — Is this going to be one of those humiliating private concerts?  Nope.  Home videos of her and her dad.  Why?  I have no idea.  These people barely know each other!  Why would it mean anything to them?

But obviously this is just to push Ben's buttons about his Dad.  Home videos etc.  He's literally about to start crying.  Then she is crying in a talking head.  I mean, this isn't as bad as the roast for insecure Ashley, but … buzz kill for a date.  She says, "She has found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben."  It's been 3 hours, people!

Back at the house, the group date card shows up.  I have no idea who is going because there are eleven of them and they're barely even familiar from last episode.  Ben says, "That's a lot of pairs of legs."  That's not at all superficial.

He's back in the town square again and they're doing a play.  Eek.  They "playwrights" are kids.  Couldn't be more PG, I guess.  They make the girls act like pigs, weasels and princesses.  They request that the ladies do "sexy dances" and "jog in slow motion." Tricky with no bra, Blakely.  She did not win praise from the kids.

Back at the house, Courtney also hates Lindzi, the horse girl who got the first impression rose last week.  Is there anyone she doesn't hate?

Back on the date, crazy Jenna — who lost her mind last week — has to wear a beard for her part.  Prettttty funny.  Turns out that there is an audience, including some of Ben's closest friends.  Do they not have something better to do?  (Who am I kidding.  I would be there in a hot second.)  Interesting though that some of his peeps will get an early impression of some of the women.

On a side note, is it weird to involve middle schoolers in The Bachelor?  Like are these kids going home and watching later episodes of Ben in a hot tub?  Well, never mind that — Ben basically strips on stage and it is just WEIRD.  The dental hygienist from Texas Nicki dressed as a donkey and she's super into him.  Jennifer with auburn hair from Oklahoma City wins the Oscar for best performance (as a weasel?).  The two blonds ask for kisses together because they got skipped during the play.  Really though?  At the same time?

The girls are not feeling Blakely (the VIP cocktail waitress — really, that's her job).  Apparently, she's aggressive.  She looks a little like she's in drag and she's got a LOT of teeth.  I'll give them that.  Ben starts talking to her and says she seems "grounded."  Um. Really?  Can you not see her CRAZY eyes?  She's 34, so they call her a "cougar."  No comment.

Someone named Samantha is hiding in the bathroom because she hates Blakely.

Back at the house, Courtney gets the one-on-one date.  Kacie B. reads the date card, which says something about spinning a bottle.  "How does that taste coming out of your mouth?" says Courtney.  Um.  The other girls don't even know what to say.  Cause I'm a model …

And the first hot tub kiss goes to Jennifer "The Weasel."  He's getting kind of down and dirty with her, so I think he'd be sort of wrong not to give her the rose.

Blakely announces that she's a Scorpio.  I am too.  Now, I sort of wish she hadn't said that.  Second hot tub kiss goes to the old lady!  And so does the rose.  The girls are maaaaaaad.  Jennifer cries and say she wants to fall in love, which I feel like is always a bad sign.  You should want the actual person, not to be in love with some amorphous idea.

The one-on-one date starts and Ben brings his dog Scotch.  If that dog has any instincts, it will whimper and hide from Courtney.  Every girl in this house is wearing knee-high boots and shorts on her date.

And it's the season's first picnic!  Courtney says she hasn't been asked out in a while.  I think that's because, when you're doing coke at a club with whatever dude has bottle service, it's not officially a date.

She is pretty though.  Her hand is on his knee.  He says he has his career and is just looking for someone to share his life with and that she probably feels the same way.  Yes.  Courtney would like to model for the rest of her life.  Or at least until she's a 34-year-old cougar like Blakely.  Then she can just kill herself cause she's so damn old.

Ben loves Courtney and she is doing a good performance of normal, but mostly I think he's blinded by the fact that she's hotter than him.  Ben asks, "Is this too good to be true?"  Yes, Ben.  It is.  He parties hard and now he is growing up blah, blah, blah.  I think she's bored out of her mind, but pretending to be interested.  All I can think about is how, even if he picked her, one day he will watch this show and see her say to Kacie B., "How does that taste coming out of your mouth?"

At the end, she poses with her rose in front of camera and cackle — no joke.  She's so doing this for her "career."

Time for the cocktail party and OMG his hair looks SO deeply bad!  Lindzi tries to sell him on her being a farm girl.  Blakely — who is safe this week — breaks up Samantha's one-on-one time and she's pissed.  Apparently, they call Blakley, JUGS.

OMG — This has gotten looooong.  Let me sum it up: Jenna is crying again.  They blame Blakely.  It has nothing to do with JUGS, but what can you do?  She's the scapegoat and then she's crying.  Ben finds her and tells her to "collect herself."  Was that supposed to make her feel BETTER?  OMG — everyone is crying.  Jenna is under the covers on a bed!!!

Rose ceremony time: Crazy Jenna and the girl with the skunk hair go home.  I think it's a good thing.  Jenna needs to get home and find a psychiatrist STAT.  See you next week (cause I'm a model …) when someone either passes our or dies during the rose ceremony.

xo – N.