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The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Is Now “The Courtney Show”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 14th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-02-14 at 7.57.31 PM

I realize that this post is a day late (and possibly several dollars short), but Time Warner Cable must have a vendetta against me because my TV literally went out 30 seconds into the episode.  Is that some kind of sign that I'm killing brain cells or does Chris Harrison remotely control my DVR and this was the only way to shut me up?

I wish.

DATES

Anyhoo, it's all about The Bachelor's upcoming hometown date, so this time in Belize is just gravy en route there. (Yum.  Gravy.)  I'm a little surprised that they didn't visit the rain forest, but I guess it's harder to go shirtless there, so what's the point?

I'll make this short and sweet since I'm tardy anyway:  The ladies are informed that there won't be roses on the one-on-one dates; only on the group sitch.  First, Ben has a one-on-one with Lindzi, who still insists on spelling her name that way.

She's chill.  He likes her.  Blah, blah, blah.  She reminds me of every girl who likes horses a ton.

Next, he has a one-on-one with Emily, which sends Courtney "the model" into tearful talking heads.  Wow.  This is the first proof that we have that she's possibly human and not some kind of evil model-bot.  If you never watched the show before, you might almost think she was a normal person.  Almost.

Courtney is upset because she hates Emily (who Ben insists on keeping around) and she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date in a while, but I think – as opposed to being sad because she wants to spend time with Ben – she's actually bummed like a bratty child refused a toy.  That or she's on the rag.

Emily and Ben have a date that seems fine, but sort of formal and like there might not be tons of attraction there.  Plus, I don't believe for a hot second that he actually wants to date someone smarter than him.  Although dating dumber definitely shrinks the pool.

Whether or not she's smarter remains to be seen though, since she calls Ben "spontaneous."  Really?  Again with this pretending the producers don't plan the dates and didn't plant that lobster guy?

Next, Courtney does in fact get the third one-on-one date.  She tells Ben how much she hates Emily and the other girls, but for some reason this is not cause to condescend to the model-bot lie he did with Emily.  Instead he fawns over Courtney.  She smartly tells him she isn't sure she feels it for him anymore, so he feels like he's pursuing her.  He practically flat out tells her that he wants to pick her.  He seems desperate.  Model-bots can do that to half-men.

Toward the end of the date, Courtney says she feels "the spark" for him again and Ben tells the camera (America!) that he thinks it's a good sign that she was able to get the spark reignited so quickly.  Yeah, Ben.  Or it's a fucking TERRIBLE sign that she lost interest that quickly in the first place.  Moron.

He says he wants a woman "with edge" and who is "weird," which is just clueless lamo speak for "I'm attracted to crazies" and that's true of every guy who isn't actually ready to have a real relationship.  Boooring.  Could you BE more predictable? [Spoken like Chandler Bing.]

The group date is shark swimming with Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicky.  They're woken up at 4am by Ben unexpectedly.  (Considering how some of those girls probably look without makeup, I'm surprised he didn't send them ALL home.)  They're given time to get dressed, put on makeup and, yes, shave their pits before heading out on a boat.  Ben spends lots of time with Rachel, but we all know she's going home.

Kacie B. confesses her love for him in that awkward way that happens on The Bachelor because he's literally not allowed to say anything in return.  They kiss and then stare at each other in uncomfortable silence until she says, "Surprise!"  That makes me laugh.  Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which means he's going to meet her family, which he says is because she poured her heart out, but is really because she's only one of the three who he actually likes.  Or maybe he's always wanted to see Tennessee.

The girls warn Ben about Courtney, which he is totally not going to hear.  In a talking head, Courtney says she's not threatened by Kacie B.  "She's a little girl in a little boy's body," she quips before complaining that the other girls are catty.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Then, it's the cocktail party, which doesn't happen because Ben has already decided.  He does pull Courtney aside to ask if she's sincerely interested in him.  She says, yes.  That's surprising.

In the end, he sends home Rachel and Emily and offers them no explanation and doesn't walk them out.  Because he has no class.  And once again I'm sort of missing Brad and his therapist.  At least he was trying to better himself.  Maybe he dismissed Emily because Courtney is holding the reigns or maybe it's because he didn't want to jump her bones (literally – she is so skinny).  Either way, she's bye bye.

Meanwhile, Courtney endures of course because she's the world's best TV, except I'd really love to see him glimpse her insanity and react BIG.  If he chooses her, he's in for a rude awakening.  But maybe that's what Ben needs.  That and a kick in the head.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK GETS HIS WOMAN, BUT WE DON’T GET OURS

By Nora Zelevansky / March 15th, 2011

Brad-womack-and-emily-maynard

This was supposed to be a joyous post, full of cheers and jeers (a few!) and toasts to a lifetime of bliss for Brad & Emily.

Wait, who?  They're so last week.  Now we know the outcome, so they're immediately relegated to yesterday's news, replaced by some equally stupid racist girl at UCLA.  Or maybe she's even dumber than them cause she actually FILMED herself saying hateful things and knowingly shared it.  That begs the question: Has it gotten easier to get into college?  Two words: IN. STATE.

Anyway, instead of posting about Emily's yellow hair, Brad's twin (better looking?) or even issuing a challenge to anyone who can tell me exacty how many picnics the couple enjoyed over the duration of the show (I count at least 5!  What's wrong with eating indoors?), I need to take a moment and mourn the fact that super annoying Ashley H. is now going to be the next Bachelorertte.

Even I – a dedicated Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise fan – am not sure that I can endure her spunky ass for an entire season!  What were they thinking?  Alas, I would have preferred Chantal, but they never choose the first runner-up.  It's always the third or fourth to last, who gets the crown as the next contestant.

Oh well.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with three deep thoughts from my viewing party:

1. Why is Chantal dressed like the black swan, if the swan moved to Texas and put on too much makeup?  The only thing more humiliating than getting dumped on national TV is getting dumped with your hair like that, while dressed like a sausage in hideous dress.

2. When Emily talks about potentially getting dumped by Brad, she says, "This is either going to be the best or the worst day of my life."  At which time, my friend P. wondered out loud, "Really Emily?  The WORST day of your life?"  I mean, we've heard that story about the rainy morning enough times to beg to differ.

3. The Drewser wondered, what happens when they all go to heaven and Ricky is there?  Who will Emily choose then?

Maybe they have their own version of the show up there in the clouds.

That would explain why the world seems to be falling apart right now from Japan to Libya to Wisconsin.  Clearly, the powers that be (whoever they are) are distracted.  And who can blame them?  I am too.

xo – N.