Blog

Navigation

The Most “Sincere” Bachelor EVER!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 8th, 2013

Hi Folks!

That’s right.  It’s our favorite time of year again: It’s BACHELOR TIME!  Time to greet Chris Harrison!  Scoff at tacky pageant gowns!  Marvel at multiple helicopter rides and picnics!  Watch someone who is afraid of heights bungee jump!  See one girl emerge as “the bitch”!

(Is my excitement a testament to how sad I am?)

If I’m honest, I have to admit that I was worried that this would be the “dullest” Bachelor ever as opposed to the “craziest” or “most romantic.”  Sean is, let’s just say, well-behaved (Is that a good euphemism?), at least judging by his role in Emily’s season.  And a strange “bro-mance” moment between him and Arie at the beginning of this season premiere made me (and the ladies I watched with) nervous about what was to come.

How naive we were!  How silly!  How wrong!  After all, The Bachelor is the greatest.  We must learn to trust in it.  Believe in the power.

Plus, we have made it through some pretty painful “main characters.”  Anyway, Sean is “sincere” as the promos keep reminding us — not the “most exciting” or the “most surprising.”  But at least he’s not annoying.  And it doesn’t seem like he’ll suddenly reveal himself to be psycho or angry like Jake or Ben F.

Well, lots happened on this episode, including the appearance of the requisite wasted girl, dubbed “50 Shades of Drunk.”  All the familiar types are in play.  I’d tell you who I bet on to stay, but I can’t remember their names.  Aren’t they all named AshLeeeee?

That former foster child/professional organizer seems like a decent bet for final three.  We shall see!

I’m too busy digesting to recap in depth, but let’s just say, this season seems promising.  I forgot how good it gets.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: The Bachelor Premiere (Christmas Comes Late For Bach Lovers!)

By Nora Zelevansky / January 3rd, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-02 at 1.28.43 PM

It's January 2nd and already I'm prepared to trash my resolutions, forget about avoiding junk food, cooking more and boning up on high-culture and serious news.  Because the temptation is simply too great — THE BACHELOR IS BACK!  And that is cause for major debauchery and celebration in my book.

So, for better or worse, I am stuffing my face with takeout, as I rebuff my half read New Yorker magazine, Antiques Road Show on PBS and even 2 Broke Girls (well, somethings aren't hard) for the greatest show on earth at 8pm sharp!  Yes, like an avid sports fan who refuses to DVR, I will even watch commercials.

(I need to make up for missing by mere hours a personal appearance Ben F. made at a wine shop in Sonoma, when I was up north.  Crushing.)

Before the show even starts, of course, we all have some inkling of what is to come (toned butter faces doing headstands on the beach before slipping into synthetic prom gowns … and even a grandma, according to carefully leaked rumors!).

But certain issues are up in the air: I wonder, will they still call him "Ben F." The Wine Guy a la Kindergarten, when there's only one Ben?  Will they drag out this grandma thing as long as the stupid masked man from last season's Bachelorette?  As my sister speculated, will Ben F. be a horn dog like Jason Mesnick, a dummy like Brad or a creepy wife-beater-in-training type like Jake?  Will the ladies be as doggy as they look?

Well, first, I learned two very important things when googling for the above image:

1. Ben F. is extreeeemely asymmetrical in the nasal area.

2. When you google "Ben F." images, mostly pictures of Benjamin Franklin show up with a few of Ben F.  Two great men.

And so it begins!  David Gray plays in the background because Ben is so indieeee.

We're reminded that Ben was mad at the end of last season.  And we get to see him tell off Ashley H. again, after she dumps him.  But, since we last saw him, Ben has grown as a person.  He's learned to see that tough experience as valuable and also he's gotten a spray tan.  No really.  He's orange.

Of course the next montage begins with a woman on a horse — what else?  And the first thing that's obvious is that her parents were super confused about how to spell her name.  It's Lindsey, people.  Or Lindsay.  Not Lindzi!  Jeez.  I mean, give your daughter a fighting chance.  (I'm already having visions of Shawntel from last season.)

What else?  One girl likes to shoot cute animals and eat "beef balls" (which are what they sound like) in a tube top; another named Jenna (and we will meet her again) is a neurotic New Yorker with her own blog, who she does a disservice from the very beginning to freelance writers everywhere.

Of course, there is the requisite "model" who announces that she is a model about 50 times and also says: "Girls are intimidated by me."  We all know that translates to "I'm a terrible person and can't play nice."  She also incidentally tells Ben that she fell for him during his season when he said something that really touched her.  He said, "I'm available."  Seriously.  That's all.

A nurse without a father, who raised her younger siblings, seems like a nice, relatively (operative word) normal girl, but is only a viable option if Ben takes the time to get to know her.  Basically, we're on track for a great season!

And now for the ever humiliating "cute" quips the girls make in an attempt to be memorable when they meet Ben for the first time, exiting the limo.  Let me tell you, folks.  There were some doozies this time.  Here are my top 5 cringe-worthy intros (nevermind the heinous dresses):

1. From the law student: "You're guilty … of being sexy."

2. From Amber Bacon: "My friends call me the baconator. Want to taste?  This is Canadian bacon."

3. The girl who just walked past him without saying anything.

4. The chick from Kentucky in the absurdly huge hat that made everything awkward from the hug to whatever else.  Abandon the prop!  Prop fail.

5. From train wreck Jenna, trying to quote him back to him, but failing miserably and instead saying, "I loved when you said, 'Good things always end badly.'"  (That was not in fact what he said, but I think maybe for her they do.)

Turns out the grandma gimmick is just the intro to one of the girls and that turns out to be cute actually.  "Too cute," according to Ben.  I would like to add the rap by the PhD candidate though to my list of horrible moments.  That was really pretty damn awful too.  Why do skinny white people from the suburbs feel like they need to rap?

Can I take a time out and ask why oh why the producers insist on "styling" Ben's hair a.k.a. straightening it in the most horrible way?  I mean, it's sort of acceptable curly, but really?  He looks like a wet dog.

Moving on … the girls get catty as usual.  One chick in a purple dress seems to be hitting on another woman and oddly she is NOT the girl who plays soccer.  Neurotic New Yorker Jenna has an insane meltdown because she feels picked on by the purple dress woman, who seems mean, but also like she has no clue whatsoever what Jenna is talking about.  And, despite attempts to console her by a blonde in a red dress named Rachel who seems nice, Jenna ends up crying alone in the bathroom.  (I also sort of think she's barfing from too much champagne.)

And suddenly I feel like I'm watching Intervention instead of The Bachelor and I'm wondering if anyone in the history of the show has ever tried to escape via the toilet.  This girl needs some lithium STAT.

Though Ben picks the horse woman for the first impression rose, that's really overshadowed by the disaster sobbing in the bathroom.  But instead of sending Jenna home mid-party per usual for the first episode drunk, she stumbles out for the rose ceremony.

And, though I seriously think they may have endangered Ben, Jenna and all the girls in the house, the producers actually make him keep her around!  She is just too good TV.  She is his last pick at the rose ceremony.  And, yes, she will accept this rose.  (And so will Miss Blondie in the purple dress, who will no doubt torture her.)

Ben sends a funny, but not so pretty British chick home, a few crazies (including the baconator) and one really pretty non-profit worker chick, who didn't manage to make a good impression.  (She was the token ethnic girl.)  Already the frontrunners seem to be the horse chick, a sweet brunette from Tennessee and the blonde Rachel girl.  But only time will tell!

And perhaps the best part of the whole episode is the scenes from the upcoming season, which I watched ALMOST all the way through, though I was afraid of knowing too much.  It looks plenty scandalous and I personally cannot wait. I will be here weekly for all the right reasons.

xo – N.

PS 10 points for anyone who can locate Jenna's blog!

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE STARTS AGAIN!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 26th, 2011

Il_fullxfull.53125055

I'm not going to lie.

It took some serious coaxing for me to even turn on the DVRed premier of The Bachelorette.  Normally, I'm beyond excited, but with Barf Bag McGee as the protaganist, I'm having a little trouble believing I'll be able to tolerate this mess.

Still, I'll try!  I'll persevere!  Because someone has to do it!  (Also, with summer approaching, there's nothing else to watch.)

Within about 15 seconds, I'm flummoxed.  Why are we watching Ashley H. (Can we just call her "Ashley" now?) dance on some stage in front of an empty auditorium?  I thought she was a dental hygenist?  Well, one thing has been established: She can wear a cropped top.

As for the dudes: The Bachelorette has gone green!  There's a solar energy guy.  SOOO contemporary.

Then, there's a guy named Ames, who informs us that he went to college at Yale (which, he explains, is in Connecticut for those of us who didn't go to an Ivy League school and are therefore really really dumb).  He also has 12 other degrees, has traveled to 70 countries and has run 39 marathons; none of which really makes up for his lopsided fish eyes.  NEXT!

Some guy from New Orleans is so "romantic" that I think he's actually plagiarized lyrics from "The Greatest Love Of All."  Serial killer, much?  There's always one.

If he doesn't win or turn out to be weirdo, do we think the vintner with the deceased dad is the next Bachelor?  Just saying.  He likes girls who are "cultured."  Like dentists.

Oh no!  ANOTHER deceased significant other – this one is actually a wife.  That's terrible!!!  He can do better than Ashley H.!

OMG – another one with a father who passed away???  WHAT IS THE DEAL???  Is anyone ALIVE?  Is this The Bachelorette: Highway To Heaven?

Anyway, Ashley looks better than usual when she steps out of the limo in a sparkly gown.  But she's just not that cute.  And that Minnie Mouse voice?  OMG.  Well, it can only be uphill from here.  She can't get more annoying.

Ashley tells Chris Harrison that she's not afraid of rejection, just that the guys might be disappointed when they get out of the limo and see that it's her.  Um.  BIG DIFFERENCE.  She calls "here for the right reasons" a clichéd expression.  You're on The Bachelorette, woman.  Cliché kind of comes with the territory.

Apparently, some guy named Bentley's ex-wife had a friend call in advance to tell Ashley that he's trouble and only wants to promote his business.  And Ashley seems to believe it, even before meeting the guy.  I would feel bad for him.  If his name wasn't BENTLEY.

To the limo!  One guy actually physically picks her up, when they meet.  So she thanks him for "the little ride."  That's what she said.

Botched kisses, awkward silences, delayed speech, creepy "Eyes Wide Shut" masks, weird winks, pink dental dams (Oh – I mean dental floss) and broken compasses later, they get to the cocktail party.   Why are men so weird?  You really think a woman whose all dressed up wants to be picked up and thrown around by a stranger?  You think she'll impressed by a white boy "rap"?

Apparently, at the cocktail party, it's going to take "nuts and guts" to talk to her.  Charmed, I'm sure.  Talk about a cultured bunch.

The wine guy still rocks, as far as I can tell.

One guy makes her call his mother, Gail.  Why are overbearing mothers always named, Gail?  She's my favorite person on the show right now though cause she tells them – at the fantasy suite later in the cycle – to "remember that your family is watching and use protection."  LOVE YOU, GAIL!  Mean it!

The guy in the mask is apparently making a socio-political statement about how superficial people can be.  Great platform, dude.  "You cover up half your face and suddenly your weird," he says.  That is correct.  Also, you're a pain-in-the-ass with no sense of humor.  But that's besides the point.

It's really pissing off the liquor distributor, Tim (a.k.a. Ed Burns).  And there's a possible fight brewing.  Suddenly, I miss The Bachelor, where all that happens in that one woman gets Courtney Love wasted and humiliates herself with mascara running down her face.  I'm so glad I'm a girl.

Oh, wait.  Apparently, Ed Burns is that girl tonight.  He can't even speak, he's so drunk.  As one of the guys eloquently puts it, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the oven."  Well said, dummy.  One question, though: Why would anyone be in the oven?

Anyway, Tim passes out in a chair and snores … loudly.  Ashley is actually sympathetic because of his nerves, but she sends him home pre-rose ceremony anyway.

Off to talk to Bentley, who comes off fine, but she seems suspicious.  Who knows?  He seems like a good guy.  She kinda likes him.

She gives the first impression rose to a guy named Ryan.  I already can't remember who he is???

Uh oh.  Maybe Bentley is evil.  He says to the camera that he's not "overly attracted to her, but" is "very competitive."  He's EVILLLLL!  Good act, guy.  Bravo!  And not even with a guitar.

To the rose ceremony: She picks the masked guy first, OF COURSE.  Wow, Ashley.  You're sooooo open-minded.  And by that I mean, a sucker.  (Side note, someone outside my window has been singing "Everybody's Free" at the top of her lungs for like 10 full minutes.  It's really weird.  Would it be wrong to scream, "Some of us are trying to watch The Bachelorette?")

Anyway, Ashley picks a bunch of guys with dark indie dude hair first.  Must be her thing.  Ugh.  I hate seeing the discomfort in the guys' eyes, while they await their fate.  She picks a guy named Blake, which I feel like may be one of the guys who seems to appear out of nowhere in episode 3 and, even having written this, I will say: "Who is that guy?  I've never seen him before."

She picks the wine guy, Will (who looks like less cute Josh Lucas), Ames with his degrees and, yes, evil Bentley.  (Thank you, producers!)

The "small time butcher from Jersey" gives a very affected goodbye to camera, which also kind of reminds me of Ed Burns.  That's a theme.  Then the other guys are like little girls, talking about how they thought that Ashley was "the one."  You don't even know her, people!!!  Get a grip!  They need to put these people in therapy.

And with that, I'm hooked on yet another season.  I'm concerned about the train wreck factor, since she really isn't that cute.  And Ashley H. is annoying, but I'm on board anyway.

Are you?  Will you accept this rose?  (That is SO cliché).

xo – N.