This week on TheMostSincereBachelorEver, we learned some very important lessons:
1. When Tierra was a baby, an evil wizard (who must not be named) tried to destroy her after hearing a premonition that she would one day destroy him. She was saved by her mother’s love. The result was a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt that … wait. No. My bad. That was Harry Potter. I don’t know what her scar is from. She probably walked into a wall.
2. Tierra has a tell when she’s lying or about to act insane: Her right eyebrow raises much higher than her left, as if it’s pointing to her and calling her crazy. [See above Exhibit A.]
3. Girls be ganging up on bitches. It’s true. But let’s be honest: On The Bachelor and Bachelorette, the person who is most hated in the house is never a normal person. Get it together, Sean! Do you not remember Kalon and Ryan?
4. Sean thinks Lindsey (wedding dress girl) has a good heart and he can tell that Daniella is a genuine person. That’s a surprise. Seriously: Can we just agree that Sean thinks EVERYONE has a good heart and a sweet temperament and move on?
OR, better yet, I say we start a game where we replace the word “heart” with “rack” every time he says it. That would actually be more accurate, as in: “Des has a really good rack!” or “I know your rack is in the right place.” or “I just don’t want my rack to get broken.” I mean, we’d all relate to that more, right? Because who would want their rack broken??
5. Tierra demonstrated that she’s “not a drama person” by cackling like crazy person (eyebrow alert! eyebrow alert!) at the news of her two-on-one date, showing up like a total stalker at the group date and then pulling the “Scorpio” card during an argument with Robyn at the cocktail party. I feel that I can safely say as a Scorpio myself that it’s girls like her that give us a bad name Zodiac-wise. (She’s probably also a Wiccan, who thinks she’s a “feminist” because she’s a “goddess” and thinks that being psycho and vengeful has something to do with harnessing her feminine power.) Also, let it be known that anyone who proclaims things about themselves like “I have the biggest heart” and “I’m such a sweet girl” isn’t. Don’t even get me started on third person talk.
6. Sean is beyond flummoxed by what’s going on in the house, although it’s pretty evident that he could just get rid of toxic Tierra and be drama-free. For some reason, he seems to be blaming the other girls. Is he afraid to go back on his First Impression Rose (or as I like to call it “FIR”)? Is Tierra that skilled a manipulator? Or is it just that he really connects with her “heart” (wink, wink — get it? Rack!)?
7. Somehow Tierra is getting hypothermia or something tomorrow night, but we don’t know how. I now officially believe that she threw herself down the stairs a few episodes back to get attention. She’s such a Munchausen-er. Thank goodness she’s not a drama person. What would THAT look like?
8. Sean’s wife might be on the blue team. And a more brilliant statement has never been made. I know it’s been years, but THIS IS STILL AN INSANE WAY TO MEET YOUR SPOUSE!
9. I really think Sean was about to send Tierra home on the two-one-one date, but then she pulled the deceased boyfriend card. I feel like she’s been saving that one. Maybe that’s cynical of me. I don’t know. Either way, it worked. I mean, I think that was also the first time we heard Jackie speak, so it wasn’t much competition.
10. There’s another episode tomorrow night!!!!
Anyway, that’s all for now, as Tuesday night will be another brilliant display, no doubt. It’s an embarrassment of riches!
Literally. I should be embarrassed to be so excited about a double dose of The Bachelor. But I’m not. Instead, I’m just sitting here on the couch in my new Uniqlo lounge wear, waiting to see who Sean chooses, “heart” in hand.
xo – N.