By Nora Zelevansky / February 6th, 2013

[Is this not such a good picture of Sean that you almost think it’s not him?]

Hello!  And welcome to another episode of Tierra Gets Injured.  Tonight’s chapter is entitled, “Ms. Munchausen Takes The Plunge.”

I mean, I know the editors are making Tierra look even more insane than she is, but she is creepsville, man.  What isn’t she capable of?  Either I’m remembering incorrectly or she’s one of the creepiest Bachelorettes in the history of the show.  Am I right?

But I’m getting ahead of myself … first things first:

Did you know that Sean loves Canada?  He thinks it’s really genuine and has a good heart (ahem, rack).  Just kidding.  He didn’t say that, but I did see him try to give a moose a rose.

Still, Lake Louise in Alberta looks insanely pretty.  I kinda want to go there now, so being featured on The Bachelor works evidently.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to think we should all hang out with Sean cause he’s magic!  Did you know that Catherine never gets cold when she’s with him?  Even though they’re playing during their one-on-one on a GLACIER.  He must be like a human force field.  Anyway, they go on a one-on-one and she’s all adorable and they giggle together in the freezing snow.  Apparently, that proves she’s fun.  (Um. No thanks.  That looks COLD.)

She tells him her traumatic story, which is about seeing a fellow camper get killed by a falling tree at 12-years-old.  It’s sad and you can tell it still really makes her upset.  Sean says “thank you” in response–I guess, for sharing?  But it makes no sense.  I kind of get the feeling he’d say “Thank you!” in response to almost anything:

Catherine: “Sometimes I stab myself in the eye, Sean, and that’s why I wanted to meet you.”

Sean: “Why, thank you!  I can tell you have a sweet heart.  I mean, rack.”

Anyway, that’s all well and good and then the group date happens.  For some reason (a.k.a. he don’t like the chick), Sean has skipped Daniella’s one-on-one, though she hasn’t had one yet, and chooses Des.  I’m guessing because they had a weird uncomfortable exchange at the last cocktail party?

And now … the group date is the moment we’ve all been waiting for thanks to the promo of Tierra on a stretcher!   Turns out they’re Polar Bear Plunging.  Lindsay (wedding dress girl) is excited.  Lesley (DC girl) is attached to Sean at the hip.  Selma, who I normally think is annoying, gets points in my book for saying, “HELL NO.”  But not in those words, of course.  AshLee F. is almost in tears, but does it anyway.  Daniella hopes they can get “hot and cold” together, whatever that means.  Poor girl.  She’s so obviously going home soon.

They jump in the water.  It’s sort of hard to see, but, from what I can tell, they all run out into towels except for Tierra, who opts to hop around freezing until she turns blue and needs a medic.  (Of course, there is a medic on hand because this season is not only about TheMostSincereBachelorEver, but also about how best to injure aspiring starlets, looking for love.)  Anyway, Tierra, who is “not a drama person,” creates drama as usual and needs to be rushed home for warmth, so she doesn’t get hypothermia.

All I can think is, this girl has it DOWN.  How does she always injure herself enough for emergency care and extra Sean time, but never enough for lasting damage?  I mean, there is a one armed girl CANOEING for goodness sake and all anyone can do is worry about Tierra???

Anyway, Sean visits her in bed while she’s recuperating and then tells her to stay home for the rest of the date because he feels secure in his feelings for her (which should be the feeling that she’s certifiable).  Anyway, as if that’s going to stop Ms. Munchausen.

Meanwhile, back at the group date, Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family and freaks him out.  Ruh roh.  The girls debrief on Tierra as a damsel in distress and have a good laugh about her concussion from falling UP the stairs.

Then, Tierra shows up like a psycho psycho psycho.  Brilliant Lesley calls her a Tierra-rist, which is GENIUS!!!  Love.

Lindsay says, “If Sean winds up with her, he’s going to exhausted.  Blegh.  That’s my nightmare.”  They also say that Tierra is too young to get married, which makes me want to check Tierra’s age … cause isn’t Lindsey only 24-years-old?  They’re the same age.

Lindsay makes out with Sean the whole time.  But Lesley gets the rose!

Later that evening or maybe the next day, Sean returns and pulls Sarah aside.  He’s not feeling it and, frankly, it’s a little heartbreaking, as she says guys always tell her that’s great … for someone else.  Cause I believe her.  Poor thing.

Next up is the one-on-one with Des.  They’re repelling down a mountain and that is apparently a big metaphor for relationships.  Only I think it’s a metaphor for doing something semi-dangerous in Canada.  Des says she has opened her heart (rack) to the experience.  Sean says she has a big heart (rack).  And so on from there.

During their bonding time in the evening by a fire, Des confides to Sean (and us) that she grew up with barely any money in tents and trailers and such.  She says it’s because her parents prioritized family and love.  Maybe?  But wouldn’t that kind of include not making your kids live in a tent?  Maybe not.

She also says that her upbringing is why she is “so humble” and again I am struck by the fact that people who are actually humble don’t say things like that.  If Tierra wasn’t around, I think we’d notice some bad behavior on Des’ part.  Just saying.

Anyway, she and Sean are lovey dovey.  He’ll probably pick her in the end and then she’ll dumb him four months later and become the next Bachelorette or like a host on E News.

Then, there’s the cocktail party and, honestly, Sean probably won’t pick Lindsay in the end, but he should, because the other girls are all about crying and their trauma and she just wants to make out and laugh.  Plus, she’s the nicest one at core, it seems.

He has to send two ladies home and this is the first time I’m not sure who he’ll send.  Daniella is a given (she is SO Bachelor Pad!), but who else?  He just blindfolded AshLee F. and kissed her, so she’s staying (despite the appalling spelling of her name).

In the end, it’s Selma who goes, despite having given him a pretty awkward and chaste peck earlier (and despite the fact that the kiss would shame her family).  Maybe it’s because she didn’t Polar Bear Plunge, but I doubt it.

And now is when it gets good because the remaining six girls are all contenders (well, expect Tierra).  Toasting with champagne and promises of tropical weather in St. Croix, Sean professes, “I’d developed feelings for both those girls, but I was just overwhelmed by a sense of clarity.  I know you six are the ones for me!”

If that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is.

xo – N.

The Most “Sincere” Bachelor EVER!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 8th, 2013

Hi Folks!

That’s right.  It’s our favorite time of year again: It’s BACHELOR TIME!  Time to greet Chris Harrison!  Scoff at tacky pageant gowns!  Marvel at multiple helicopter rides and picnics!  Watch someone who is afraid of heights bungee jump!  See one girl emerge as “the bitch”!

(Is my excitement a testament to how sad I am?)

If I’m honest, I have to admit that I was worried that this would be the “dullest” Bachelor ever as opposed to the “craziest” or “most romantic.”  Sean is, let’s just say, well-behaved (Is that a good euphemism?), at least judging by his role in Emily’s season.  And a strange “bro-mance” moment between him and Arie at the beginning of this season premiere made me (and the ladies I watched with) nervous about what was to come.

How naive we were!  How silly!  How wrong!  After all, The Bachelor is the greatest.  We must learn to trust in it.  Believe in the power.

Plus, we have made it through some pretty painful “main characters.”  Anyway, Sean is “sincere” as the promos keep reminding us — not the “most exciting” or the “most surprising.”  But at least he’s not annoying.  And it doesn’t seem like he’ll suddenly reveal himself to be psycho or angry like Jake or Ben F.

Well, lots happened on this episode, including the appearance of the requisite wasted girl, dubbed “50 Shades of Drunk.”  All the familiar types are in play.  I’d tell you who I bet on to stay, but I can’t remember their names.  Aren’t they all named AshLeeeee?

That former foster child/professional organizer seems like a decent bet for final three.  We shall see!

I’m too busy digesting to recap in depth, but let’s just say, this season seems promising.  I forgot how good it gets.

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor a.k.a Bitches Be Crazy

By Nora Zelevansky / January 18th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-17 at 9.32.20 PM

So many awkward moments, so little time … on this episode of The Bachelor, featuring Ben's hair flat-ironed YET AGAIN.  For the love of all things holy!  PLEASE stop styling his situation. It's at least a little better left shaggy!

Anyway, here are my top 10 favorite moments from the night:

1. When Emily and Ben climb The Golden Gate Bridge because she's obviously admitted to the producers that she's afraid of heights despite being a PhD candidate who should know better.  (If it was me, I'd tell them I was afraid of sushi and massages … although I am kind of scared of those together on a reality show date actually.)

2. When Emily freaks out like she might fall off the bridge and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose!" to try to comfort her.  Um.  Ben.  Goose dies.

3. When Emily, who seems mildly intelligent, says that Ben's kiss gives her the strength to get up the rest of the bridge.  P.S. Why are people not worried about drivers seeing them, getting distracted and crashing?

4. When Ben says that Emily is smarter than him and she doesn't disagree.  (Okay, I realize that this is a lot of Emily action, but she got the first one-on-one date and also she's my new favorite cause she cursed a bunch during the episode and sort of seems the most normal.)  I also liked during their private fireworks display, when the girls back at the hotel could see and you heard one of them screech, "I'm so ssssad right now."

5. During the group date, when Ben informs the girls that they're going, "snow skiing."  I think that's just called, "skiing," Ben.  Then when they strip down to bikinis to ski like it's a porno and there's a weird SF guy with a long beard and scraggly hair watching.

6. When the grandma girl Brittany decides to go home for some reason (Is she too insecure?  Does she really feel that she doens't deserve a chance with him?  Is she freaked out by the circumstances?  Turned off by his hair?).  Either way, grandma will be bummed.

7. When he then takes Lindzi on the date instead (why the pancake makeup, girl?) and they are forced to dance during a private concert.  So awkwaaaaard.  When they kiss only because it's better than having to dance.  And when they go to a speakeasy and she tells that bizarre story again about getting dumped via a text that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, Babe.  Population you," but it gets even weirder because she says that was the only time she's ever been in love.  I feel like that reflects really badly on her because either the guy was the biggest douchbag on the planet, she never really knew him in a year and a half of dating and/or we're not getting the full story.  Or maybe she was dating Bentley.

8. When Ben tells the redhead that she's the best kisser in the house, which she takes as a huge compliment despite the fact that he's admitting to having made out with almost everyone else in the house.

9. Of course, when Shawntel the furneral director from Brad's season shows up and they try to make her a villain, but she's kind of not.  (Of course it's her BTW because she also has parents who can't spell a name normally and that's the theme of this season.)  Is she being set up as the next Bachelorette or was this just an attempt to liven up the season?

10. The whole last 10 minutes:

A. When the personal trainer (who I call "Patty" because she looks like Millionaire Matchmaker) just sits there watching, when Ben obviously wants her to leave so he can talk to Shawntel.

B. When the girls all start crying, even the crazy pants model and blonde Rachel with the bangs, who has a rose.

C. When PhD Emily says it looks like they had chemistry.

D. When I of course see a few girls I don't recognize at all because it's the third episode and that's when girls who you swear have never been on before show up.

E. When the girls are too DUMB to realize that Shawntel and Ben have met on The Bachelor circuit, probably doing appearances, and Patty the personal trainer shouts/shrieks at Shawntel (in the WORST Jersey accent), "You don't know Ben!  You were with Brad's season!"  She was WITH Brad's season?  Okay.

F. When that blonde girl with the not so pretty face (sorry) Jaclyn, says, "What IS this?" in response to Shawntel showing up.  I want to scream at the screen, "A REALITY SHOW! Isn't it grand?"

G. When I notice that Chris Harrison's hair is getting longer.

H. When someone says on V.O., "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm going to throw up."

I. When Ben calls Samantha's name during the rose ceremony and I'm like, "Who?"

J. When the girl with the black curly hair who made fun of Shawntel's thighs has an anxiety attack (or maybe faints from not eating) and then gets sent home anyway.  Oops.  And Ben says, "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

K. When crazy pants model Courtney shows her true colors by chiding Ben for his antics at the rose ceremony and swearing she'll go home if he keeps Shawntel.  As if.

L. Well, I can't say when Shawntel goes home cause I kinda wanted her to stay.  She's pretty and I like her!  But it was classic when Courtney yelled, "Sianara!" as Ben walked Shawntel out.

M. When Shawntel says that Ben was silly to send her home out of fairness, when this is about his future wife.  (I kinda agree).

N. In scenes from next week, when everyone looks INSANE again!

For the record, my frontrunners are: Kasie B. from Tennessee, Rachel with the blonde bangs, Emily the PhD girl and, well, only cause I want him to like her, that nurse girl who took care of her whole family.  I actually don't think that redhead is going to be the thing and, when he does pick someone, that other girl is going to be PRETTY pissed that he called her the best kisser.  Maybe Nicki is up there too.  Wait?  Is Nicki the nurse?  Is that the same person?  Eh, who knows?  It doesn't matter!  This is reality TV!

Until next week!

xo – N.





THE LINT COLLECTOR: The Bachelor Premiere (Christmas Comes Late For Bach Lovers!)

By Nora Zelevansky / January 3rd, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-02 at 1.28.43 PM

It's January 2nd and already I'm prepared to trash my resolutions, forget about avoiding junk food, cooking more and boning up on high-culture and serious news.  Because the temptation is simply too great — THE BACHELOR IS BACK!  And that is cause for major debauchery and celebration in my book.

So, for better or worse, I am stuffing my face with takeout, as I rebuff my half read New Yorker magazine, Antiques Road Show on PBS and even 2 Broke Girls (well, somethings aren't hard) for the greatest show on earth at 8pm sharp!  Yes, like an avid sports fan who refuses to DVR, I will even watch commercials.

(I need to make up for missing by mere hours a personal appearance Ben F. made at a wine shop in Sonoma, when I was up north.  Crushing.)

Before the show even starts, of course, we all have some inkling of what is to come (toned butter faces doing headstands on the beach before slipping into synthetic prom gowns … and even a grandma, according to carefully leaked rumors!).

But certain issues are up in the air: I wonder, will they still call him "Ben F." The Wine Guy a la Kindergarten, when there's only one Ben?  Will they drag out this grandma thing as long as the stupid masked man from last season's Bachelorette?  As my sister speculated, will Ben F. be a horn dog like Jason Mesnick, a dummy like Brad or a creepy wife-beater-in-training type like Jake?  Will the ladies be as doggy as they look?

Well, first, I learned two very important things when googling for the above image:

1. Ben F. is extreeeemely asymmetrical in the nasal area.

2. When you google "Ben F." images, mostly pictures of Benjamin Franklin show up with a few of Ben F.  Two great men.

And so it begins!  David Gray plays in the background because Ben is so indieeee.

We're reminded that Ben was mad at the end of last season.  And we get to see him tell off Ashley H. again, after she dumps him.  But, since we last saw him, Ben has grown as a person.  He's learned to see that tough experience as valuable and also he's gotten a spray tan.  No really.  He's orange.

Of course the next montage begins with a woman on a horse — what else?  And the first thing that's obvious is that her parents were super confused about how to spell her name.  It's Lindsey, people.  Or Lindsay.  Not Lindzi!  Jeez.  I mean, give your daughter a fighting chance.  (I'm already having visions of Shawntel from last season.)

What else?  One girl likes to shoot cute animals and eat "beef balls" (which are what they sound like) in a tube top; another named Jenna (and we will meet her again) is a neurotic New Yorker with her own blog, who she does a disservice from the very beginning to freelance writers everywhere.

Of course, there is the requisite "model" who announces that she is a model about 50 times and also says: "Girls are intimidated by me."  We all know that translates to "I'm a terrible person and can't play nice."  She also incidentally tells Ben that she fell for him during his season when he said something that really touched her.  He said, "I'm available."  Seriously.  That's all.

A nurse without a father, who raised her younger siblings, seems like a nice, relatively (operative word) normal girl, but is only a viable option if Ben takes the time to get to know her.  Basically, we're on track for a great season!

And now for the ever humiliating "cute" quips the girls make in an attempt to be memorable when they meet Ben for the first time, exiting the limo.  Let me tell you, folks.  There were some doozies this time.  Here are my top 5 cringe-worthy intros (nevermind the heinous dresses):

1. From the law student: "You're guilty … of being sexy."

2. From Amber Bacon: "My friends call me the baconator. Want to taste?  This is Canadian bacon."

3. The girl who just walked past him without saying anything.

4. The chick from Kentucky in the absurdly huge hat that made everything awkward from the hug to whatever else.  Abandon the prop!  Prop fail.

5. From train wreck Jenna, trying to quote him back to him, but failing miserably and instead saying, "I loved when you said, 'Good things always end badly.'"  (That was not in fact what he said, but I think maybe for her they do.)

Turns out the grandma gimmick is just the intro to one of the girls and that turns out to be cute actually.  "Too cute," according to Ben.  I would like to add the rap by the PhD candidate though to my list of horrible moments.  That was really pretty damn awful too.  Why do skinny white people from the suburbs feel like they need to rap?

Can I take a time out and ask why oh why the producers insist on "styling" Ben's hair a.k.a. straightening it in the most horrible way?  I mean, it's sort of acceptable curly, but really?  He looks like a wet dog.

Moving on … the girls get catty as usual.  One chick in a purple dress seems to be hitting on another woman and oddly she is NOT the girl who plays soccer.  Neurotic New Yorker Jenna has an insane meltdown because she feels picked on by the purple dress woman, who seems mean, but also like she has no clue whatsoever what Jenna is talking about.  And, despite attempts to console her by a blonde in a red dress named Rachel who seems nice, Jenna ends up crying alone in the bathroom.  (I also sort of think she's barfing from too much champagne.)

And suddenly I feel like I'm watching Intervention instead of The Bachelor and I'm wondering if anyone in the history of the show has ever tried to escape via the toilet.  This girl needs some lithium STAT.

Though Ben picks the horse woman for the first impression rose, that's really overshadowed by the disaster sobbing in the bathroom.  But instead of sending Jenna home mid-party per usual for the first episode drunk, she stumbles out for the rose ceremony.

And, though I seriously think they may have endangered Ben, Jenna and all the girls in the house, the producers actually make him keep her around!  She is just too good TV.  She is his last pick at the rose ceremony.  And, yes, she will accept this rose.  (And so will Miss Blondie in the purple dress, who will no doubt torture her.)

Ben sends a funny, but not so pretty British chick home, a few crazies (including the baconator) and one really pretty non-profit worker chick, who didn't manage to make a good impression.  (She was the token ethnic girl.)  Already the frontrunners seem to be the horse chick, a sweet brunette from Tennessee and the blonde Rachel girl.  But only time will tell!

And perhaps the best part of the whole episode is the scenes from the upcoming season, which I watched ALMOST all the way through, though I was afraid of knowing too much.  It looks plenty scandalous and I personally cannot wait. I will be here weekly for all the right reasons.

xo – N.

PS 10 points for anyone who can locate Jenna's blog!