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BEST BACHELOR QUOTE: “YOU ARE THE SIX FOR ME!”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 6th, 2013

[Is this not such a good picture of Sean that you almost think it’s not him?]

Hello!  And welcome to another episode of Tierra Gets Injured.  Tonight’s chapter is entitled, “Ms. Munchausen Takes The Plunge.”

I mean, I know the editors are making Tierra look even more insane than she is, but she is creepsville, man.  What isn’t she capable of?  Either I’m remembering incorrectly or she’s one of the creepiest Bachelorettes in the history of the show.  Am I right?

But I’m getting ahead of myself … first things first:

Did you know that Sean loves Canada?  He thinks it’s really genuine and has a good heart (ahem, rack).  Just kidding.  He didn’t say that, but I did see him try to give a moose a rose.

Still, Lake Louise in Alberta looks insanely pretty.  I kinda want to go there now, so being featured on The Bachelor works evidently.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to think we should all hang out with Sean cause he’s magic!  Did you know that Catherine never gets cold when she’s with him?  Even though they’re playing during their one-on-one on a GLACIER.  He must be like a human force field.  Anyway, they go on a one-on-one and she’s all adorable and they giggle together in the freezing snow.  Apparently, that proves she’s fun.  (Um. No thanks.  That looks COLD.)

She tells him her traumatic story, which is about seeing a fellow camper get killed by a falling tree at 12-years-old.  It’s sad and you can tell it still really makes her upset.  Sean says “thank you” in response–I guess, for sharing?  But it makes no sense.  I kind of get the feeling he’d say “Thank you!” in response to almost anything:

Catherine: “Sometimes I stab myself in the eye, Sean, and that’s why I wanted to meet you.”

Sean: “Why, thank you!  I can tell you have a sweet heart.  I mean, rack.”

Anyway, that’s all well and good and then the group date happens.  For some reason (a.k.a. he don’t like the chick), Sean has skipped Daniella’s one-on-one, though she hasn’t had one yet, and chooses Des.  I’m guessing because they had a weird uncomfortable exchange at the last cocktail party?

And now … the group date is the moment we’ve all been waiting for thanks to the promo of Tierra on a stretcher!   Turns out they’re Polar Bear Plunging.  Lindsay (wedding dress girl) is excited.  Lesley (DC girl) is attached to Sean at the hip.  Selma, who I normally think is annoying, gets points in my book for saying, “HELL NO.”  But not in those words, of course.  AshLee F. is almost in tears, but does it anyway.  Daniella hopes they can get “hot and cold” together, whatever that means.  Poor girl.  She’s so obviously going home soon.

They jump in the water.  It’s sort of hard to see, but, from what I can tell, they all run out into towels except for Tierra, who opts to hop around freezing until she turns blue and needs a medic.  (Of course, there is a medic on hand because this season is not only about TheMostSincereBachelorEver, but also about how best to injure aspiring starlets, looking for love.)  Anyway, Tierra, who is “not a drama person,” creates drama as usual and needs to be rushed home for warmth, so she doesn’t get hypothermia.

All I can think is, this girl has it DOWN.  How does she always injure herself enough for emergency care and extra Sean time, but never enough for lasting damage?  I mean, there is a one armed girl CANOEING for goodness sake and all anyone can do is worry about Tierra???

Anyway, Sean visits her in bed while she’s recuperating and then tells her to stay home for the rest of the date because he feels secure in his feelings for her (which should be the feeling that she’s certifiable).  Anyway, as if that’s going to stop Ms. Munchausen.

Meanwhile, back at the group date, Sarah shows Sean pictures of her family and freaks him out.  Ruh roh.  The girls debrief on Tierra as a damsel in distress and have a good laugh about her concussion from falling UP the stairs.

Then, Tierra shows up like a psycho psycho psycho.  Brilliant Lesley calls her a Tierra-rist, which is GENIUS!!!  Love.

Lindsay says, “If Sean winds up with her, he’s going to exhausted.  Blegh.  That’s my nightmare.”  They also say that Tierra is too young to get married, which makes me want to check Tierra’s age … cause isn’t Lindsey only 24-years-old?  They’re the same age.

Lindsay makes out with Sean the whole time.  But Lesley gets the rose!

Later that evening or maybe the next day, Sean returns and pulls Sarah aside.  He’s not feeling it and, frankly, it’s a little heartbreaking, as she says guys always tell her that’s great … for someone else.  Cause I believe her.  Poor thing.

Next up is the one-on-one with Des.  They’re repelling down a mountain and that is apparently a big metaphor for relationships.  Only I think it’s a metaphor for doing something semi-dangerous in Canada.  Des says she has opened her heart (rack) to the experience.  Sean says she has a big heart (rack).  And so on from there.

During their bonding time in the evening by a fire, Des confides to Sean (and us) that she grew up with barely any money in tents and trailers and such.  She says it’s because her parents prioritized family and love.  Maybe?  But wouldn’t that kind of include not making your kids live in a tent?  Maybe not.

She also says that her upbringing is why she is “so humble” and again I am struck by the fact that people who are actually humble don’t say things like that.  If Tierra wasn’t around, I think we’d notice some bad behavior on Des’ part.  Just saying.

Anyway, she and Sean are lovey dovey.  He’ll probably pick her in the end and then she’ll dumb him four months later and become the next Bachelorette or like a host on E News.

Then, there’s the cocktail party and, honestly, Sean probably won’t pick Lindsay in the end, but he should, because the other girls are all about crying and their trauma and she just wants to make out and laugh.  Plus, she’s the nicest one at core, it seems.

He has to send two ladies home and this is the first time I’m not sure who he’ll send.  Daniella is a given (she is SO Bachelor Pad!), but who else?  He just blindfolded AshLee F. and kissed her, so she’s staying (despite the appalling spelling of her name).

In the end, it’s Selma who goes, despite having given him a pretty awkward and chaste peck earlier (and despite the fact that the kiss would shame her family).  Maybe it’s because she didn’t Polar Bear Plunge, but I doubt it.

And now is when it gets good because the remaining six girls are all contenders (well, expect Tierra).  Toasting with champagne and promises of tropical weather in St. Croix, Sean professes, “I’d developed feelings for both those girls, but I was just overwhelmed by a sense of clarity.  I know you six are the ones for me!”

If that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is.

xo – N.

THE BEST BACH QUOTE: My Wife Might Be On The Blue Team

By Nora Zelevansky / February 5th, 2013

This week on TheMostSincereBachelorEver, we learned some very important lessons:

1. When Tierra was a baby, an evil wizard (who must not be named) tried to destroy her after hearing a premonition that she would one day destroy him.  She was saved by her mother’s love.  The result was a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt that … wait.  No.  My bad.  That was Harry Potter.  I don’t know what her scar is from.  She probably walked into a wall.

2. Tierra has a tell when she’s lying or about to act insane: Her right eyebrow raises much higher than her left, as if it’s pointing to her and calling her crazy.  [See above Exhibit A.]

3. Girls be ganging up on bitches.  It’s true.  But let’s be honest: On The Bachelor and Bachelorette, the person who is most hated in the house is never a normal person.  Get it together, Sean!  Do you not remember Kalon and Ryan?

4. Sean thinks Lindsey (wedding dress girl) has a good heart and he can tell that Daniella is a genuine person.  That’s a surprise.  Seriously: Can we just agree that Sean thinks EVERYONE has a good heart and a sweet temperament and move on?

OR, better yet, I say we start a game where we replace the word “heart” with “rack” every time he says it.  That would actually be more accurate, as in: “Des has a really good rack!” or “I know your rack is in the right place.” or “I just don’t want my rack to get broken.”  I mean, we’d all relate to that more, right?  Because who would want their rack broken??

5. Tierra demonstrated that she’s “not a drama person” by cackling like crazy person (eyebrow alert! eyebrow alert!) at the news of her two-on-one date, showing up like a total stalker at the group date and then pulling the “Scorpio” card during an argument with Robyn at the cocktail party.  I feel that I can safely say as a Scorpio myself that it’s girls like her that give us a bad name Zodiac-wise.  (She’s probably also a Wiccan, who thinks she’s a “feminist” because she’s a “goddess” and thinks that being psycho and vengeful has something to do with harnessing her feminine power.)  Also, let it be known that anyone who proclaims things about themselves like “I have the biggest heart” and “I’m such a sweet girl” isn’t.  Don’t even get me started on third person talk.

6. Sean is beyond flummoxed by what’s going on in the house, although it’s pretty evident that he could just get rid of toxic Tierra and be drama-free.  For some reason, he seems to be blaming the other girls.  Is he afraid to go back on his First Impression Rose (or as I like to call it “FIR”)?  Is Tierra that skilled a manipulator?  Or is it just that he really connects with her “heart” (wink, wink — get it?  Rack!)?

7. Somehow Tierra is getting hypothermia or something tomorrow night, but we don’t know how.  I now officially believe that she threw herself down the stairs a few episodes back to get attention.  She’s such a Munchausen-er.  Thank goodness she’s not a drama person.  What would THAT look like?

8. Sean’s wife might be on the blue team.  And a more brilliant statement has never been made.  I know it’s been years, but THIS IS STILL AN INSANE WAY TO MEET YOUR SPOUSE!

9. I really think Sean was about to send Tierra home on the two-one-one date, but then she pulled the deceased boyfriend card.  I feel like she’s been saving that one.  Maybe that’s cynical of me.  I don’t know.  Either way, it worked.  I mean, I think that was also the first time we heard Jackie speak, so it wasn’t much competition.

10. There’s another episode tomorrow night!!!!

Anyway, that’s all for now, as Tuesday night will be another brilliant display, no doubt.  It’s an embarrassment of riches!

Literally.  I should be embarrassed to be so excited about a double dose of The Bachelor.  But I’m not.  Instead, I’m just sitting here on the couch in my new Uniqlo lounge wear, waiting to see who Sean chooses, “heart” in hand.

xo – N.

Shameless Self-Promotion: My Latest Articles

By Nora Zelevansky / January 17th, 2013

Well, folks, it’s been a while since I shared a slew of articles, so I guess I’ll just get down to it.  New Year.  Same me (and you!).  Yay!

But, seriously, it’s either this or ramble on for hours about The Bachelor and, honestly, it’s too early in the season for that.  Sean is the “Most Sincere Bachelor Ever.”  He’s falling for a trick who he thinks has a good heart.  She’s not there for the right reasons!  Whatever will he do?  (I mean, besides keep her until there are five girls left and then finally see her true colors.)  Why don’t the Bachelors and Bachelorettes ever believe the other contestants when they try to forewarn, when they themselves have seen, during their respective past seasons, that the other contestants have unique incite and are probably telling the truth?  But I digress.

Anywaaaaay … back to the articles.  Because we’re highbrow.  And we like to read.

1. In January’s Town & Country, I wrote a personal essay about the trials and tribulations of developing a big chest for their LOOKING GLASS section called: TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT.  (The story may or may not still be available on newsstands, as the February issue has likely already dropped.)  You may also want to check out the magazine’s new website, as it just launched in earnest and it looks fantastic.

BTW the personal essay includes snippets about growing up on the Upper West Side, which is partially what inspired parts of my still new novel, SEMI-CHARMED LIFE.  Not to be pushy (ahem, ahem), but if you haven’t yet grabbed a copy, now is the time!

2. In this month’s ELLE (that’s the February issue), I offer a sneak peek into Once Upon a Time actress Ginnifer Goodwin’s lifestyle and Hollywood Hills home.  (Hint: She loves tea!)  It’s both a profile and a design piece, so check it out.  It’s currently on newsstands.

3. For this past Sunday’s Los Angeles Times “Image” section, I wrote a story called Beckley Joins The Cool Kids about new shop Beckley opening on LA’s Third Street.  (The area is a local favorite, cool strip of independent boutiques and restaurants near West Hollywood and also where I used to live.)  The store’s owner Melissa Akkaway also launched her own clothing line last year, Beckley By Melissa, and those pieces are worth ogling online too.  I believe there’s a sale happening as we speak?  Also, look out for spring’s Beetle-Print Party Dress.  It’s on my “MUST HAVE” list.

4. Lastly, it hasn’t come out yet, but this Sunday’s “Image” section will likely include another story by me about a new cool, artsy store opening, helmed by a fabulous and interesting chick.  I can’t say more, but keep your eyes peeled!

xo – N.

The Most “Sincere” Bachelor EVER!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 8th, 2013

Hi Folks!

That’s right.  It’s our favorite time of year again: It’s BACHELOR TIME!  Time to greet Chris Harrison!  Scoff at tacky pageant gowns!  Marvel at multiple helicopter rides and picnics!  Watch someone who is afraid of heights bungee jump!  See one girl emerge as “the bitch”!

(Is my excitement a testament to how sad I am?)

If I’m honest, I have to admit that I was worried that this would be the “dullest” Bachelor ever as opposed to the “craziest” or “most romantic.”  Sean is, let’s just say, well-behaved (Is that a good euphemism?), at least judging by his role in Emily’s season.  And a strange “bro-mance” moment between him and Arie at the beginning of this season premiere made me (and the ladies I watched with) nervous about what was to come.

How naive we were!  How silly!  How wrong!  After all, The Bachelor is the greatest.  We must learn to trust in it.  Believe in the power.

Plus, we have made it through some pretty painful “main characters.”  Anyway, Sean is “sincere” as the promos keep reminding us — not the “most exciting” or the “most surprising.”  But at least he’s not annoying.  And it doesn’t seem like he’ll suddenly reveal himself to be psycho or angry like Jake or Ben F.

Well, lots happened on this episode, including the appearance of the requisite wasted girl, dubbed “50 Shades of Drunk.”  All the familiar types are in play.  I’d tell you who I bet on to stay, but I can’t remember their names.  Aren’t they all named AshLeeeee?

That former foster child/professional organizer seems like a decent bet for final three.  We shall see!

I’m too busy digesting to recap in depth, but let’s just say, this season seems promising.  I forgot how good it gets.

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 22nd, 2012

Screen shot 2012-05-22 at 12.56.24 AM
I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway … this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I’m not sure I’ll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that’s a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway … Emily is happy because she’s in Charlotte, NC, which is her “town” and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I’m liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her “mom group” and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I’m sure they don’t usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We’ll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of “real life” on her first date with Ryan.  They’re going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn’t expect this, but he’s willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She’s impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked “real” when she picked up Ryan … in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he’s honored to be part of Emily Maynard’s day.  He says her full name like she’s famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there’s a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she’s going to ask the “hard questions” and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It’s still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn’t on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he’s too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I’m already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She’s controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her “favorite” bands (she’s probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they’re slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he’s been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date? (more…)

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor or “Despicable Ben”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 7th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-02-07 at 12.07.44 AM

Holy shite.  Holy shite.  Holy shite.

This week, on the most unwatchable and cringe-worthy episode in Bachelor history, many interesting things happened.  But I only know about half of them because I literally couldn't bring myself to watch the humiliation.  I had to avert my eyes.

Anyway, here goes:

The crew arrives in Panama City and Ben says they're starting off fresh … again.  It sounds like he's hoping.  I am watching with my friend A.P., who is basically a dating expert, and she calls it right away: Ben is feeling both distracted and guilty about the Courtney skinny dipping.  I totally agree.  On one hand he's obsessed; on the other he feels like he broke the rules or betrayed the other chicks.

One-On-One

Anyway, Ben & Kacie B. go on her second one-on-one date.  Courtney "the model" hopes the sweet and innocent Tennessee girl will get sent home, but that is so not happening yet.  Kacie B. & Ben F. go to some deserted island by … helicopter.  What else?  When he reveals the date plan, I think I even detect a note of irony from him.  Or maybe he's just constipated.

Anyway, they cut open a coconut, she thinks he's hot and everything seems basically fine, except he seems a little grumpy and distant and he barely touches her.  He doesn't crack a smile.  Does he not feel it anymore?  Is he burnt out on the process?  Does her innocence seem lame in the face of Courtney's midnight hand jobs?

There's only one clear answer to that bevvy of questions and extreme over-analysis: He's just not that into her!

Maybe I'm just not that into him.

I dunno, man.  I just think he's an asshole.  He's condescending and arrogant and believes his own hype and he's too cocky about being the object of a model's affection to notice that Courtney is out of her gourd.  I've decided he's almost as bad as weird aggressive Jake Pavelka.  What say you?

Anywaaaaay, Kacie B. reveals – in answer to some very clipped and rapid fire questions from Ben – that she's particularly mature because she used to have an eating disorder.  And in case you were wondering which one, she reveals that her parents "caught" her in the act.  T.M.I. for The Wine Guy?  Ben can't send her home in the face of that information, but he seems like maybe he wants to — which I admit is very surprising to me.  I usually think he likes this girl. Maybe he's just bummed about the state of his hair, but it sort of seems like he wants to send everyone home and take a nap.  No sense of humor this guy.  He has the vibe of a spoiled child, all sour.

Group Date

The group date is a canoe trip and Ben perks up (no pun) at the sight of Courtney's boobs, when they all put on traditional garb and she chooses to go without a cover-up under intermittent beads.  Ben thinks this is great because she gets into the spirit of things and also he gets to see her boobs.  But she clearly hasn't embraced anything cultural because she just walks around shaking her exposed breasts at everyone back-and-forth and then looking down and admiring them.  She even shimmies them at a group of small children.  Ew.

As usual, she monopolizes Ben's time, but it's Lindzi who gets the rose.  He likes that the horse girl is laid back.  And who can blame him?  At least she's not drama.  They both agree that they don't believe in fighting, which is weird because he seems filled with rage.  Also, fighting isn't like Santa Claus.  It's not really a debatable thing.

Meanwhile, Jamie (Who? Yes, I know, you've never seen her before!) decides to try to come out of her shell and kiss Ben, but gets distracted when Courtney intentionally struts around in a white bathing suit behind them.  She is so painfully obvious that I can't believe Ben can't see through her crap, but then maybe he doesn't care because she's so pretty.  I want to believe that better men would find her pathetic despite the hotness, but – let's be honest – maybe not.  This is going to sound weird, but I think Brad would have sent her home by now.

Meanwhile, after being condescended to yet again by Ben, who actually hates the fact that she's smarter than him despite claiming the opposite, Emily the Ph.D. apologizes to Courtney for having bad mouthed her (who knows why?).  Courtney seems at first like she might accept, but then informs her blond nemesis that she's not just going to "bend over."

Class. Act.

Two-On-One

The next day is a two-on-one with Blakely (The "VIP Cocktail Waitress" a.k.a. escort) and Rachel-with-the-bangs.  That means that one person has to be sent home during the date.  Blakely is at least feigning bizarre excitement over the date, even though everyone watching is like – bye bye.  So obvious that she won't last.

The date happens.  They salsa dance, which Ben says is "sweaty and sexual."'  Blakely is better because, well, I think she's a stripper, no?  Plus, she can stomp, remember?  It's awkward.  But it's not THAT awkward until Blakely pulls out a scrapbook all about Ben that looks like a project some pre-teen girl made in middle school detention.  Maybe in special ed.  Sorry.  But it's true.  It's humiliating enough that she's a grown woman spending her time doodling his name, but then she can't stop crying too.

Then they do this:

Screen shot 2012-02-07 at 12.33.59 AM

Then, what seems like two minutes later and not a trick of editing, he sends her packing.  It's a bad scene.  I mean, why would you stick your tongue down her throat, just to send her home?  He had to know what he was doing by then!  He so has no right to fault Ashley H. for letting him get on one knee.

Anyway, he walks Blakely to the van and she sobs on his shoulder.  Seriously.  She won't let go.  Of course, he uses his signature suave line, which OBVIOUSLY makes the girls feel worse: "I'm just so much farther along with other women."  Do you always have to say "SOOOO," Ben?  I wish one of them would tell him off.  I want to write him a letter.

Scandal

Anyway, next the girls are hanging out, when Chris Harrison comes in and asks to speak to the other Kacie.  Kacie H.?  Kacie S?  Who knows?  Again, you're probably saying, wait who???  This is Courtney's blonde beta, who basically never talks or gets on camera. Chris Harrison says he's heard she's still in love with someone else in Chicago, but I think this is a reach.  It turns out that she has an ex-boyfriend who won't marry her, who she's trying to get over.

Chris brings her to see Ben and tell him and, because Ben F. is SUCH A DOUCHE, he's really mean to her about it.  She ugly cries and we have to watch her sob incoherently about a relationship at home that seriously has no bearing at all on the show.  "Maybe I need to be in therapy," she wails and I think she has a good point.  But she didn't come on under false pretenses.  She just wanted to be free of this former attachment.  But Ben is pissy.  He tells her he thinks she should go home, as if he's commanding it, even though she's obviously already going home.  That's why she's THERE, stupid.  Stop trying to act like it was your decision.

This guy blows.

Cocktail Party

Anyway, just when you thought things couldn't get more pathetic, Jamie decides to make her move at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  She gets Ben alone and awkwardly tells him that she thinks about "doing things" with him at night.  Then, in a dress where she really can't move her legs, she proceeds to try to climb on top of him and straddle him.  But she's shy and this is not her thing and it's just awkward.  And every time they start kissing, she starts giggling and, since he is so effing bitchy this week, he reprimands her for laughing.

She climbs off and they try kissing again with her literally instructing him on when to open and close his mouth and then FINALLY it stops because he says he can't take it anymore.  Neither can I!  And the rest you will have to Youtube because I hate scary movies and this was basically a horror show.  My eyes!  My eyes!  My ears!  My ears!  I will never truly recover.  This was not for the Bachelor novice.

Rose Ceremony

Well, it's no mystery who is going home, although Jamie says she doesn't know what Ben is thinking.  Really, Jamie?  You seem like a smart girl relative to the others.  You don't know where this is going?  Well, maybe you just lose perspective when you're being brainwashed for this show.

Anyway, he sends Jamie home and they're off to Belize because … well, it's close by.  And at least Courtney doesn't announce that she was just there two months ago this time.

And, just like that, another Bachelor episode comes to a close.  Although this time I feel I need some time to recover.

xo – N.