The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Goes To Utah

By Nora Zelevansky / January 24th, 2012

Here we are in Utah, a state that's quite familiar with multiple women dating one single man!  Woo hoo.  Well, it's Sundance right now in real time in Park City, so I have to imagine they timed it that way for some reason?  Or maybe it's a weird coincidence?

Anyhoo, the Bachelor episode opens and sister wife Kacie B. is freaking out.  She says she needs another date with Ben this week or she's going to lose it.  Um.  Kacie B.  It's gonna be a while before you have a second one-on-one.  There are still like 700 other girls.

Still, her panic reminds me of JP on Ashley's season and starts to make me think that maybe she actually really clicked with Ben and that they might end up together.

Anyway, it's Rachel's one-on-one date.  And she's gone mute.  She's crazy shy maybe?  She keeps talking about all the pressure of first dates.  They're on a row boat and it's so dull that the massive amount of mosquitoes are pulling focus.

Back at the house, the girls hate Courtney – newsflash!  She says she blossoms around Ben and shuts down around the girls.  If that's how you want to describe it, el psycho!  Anyway, she's all prepped for her first group date and PhD Emily says hopefully Ben will see the truth about her.

Back on the date, Rachel gets a rose, probably because she has a cool voice, she's pretty and she admitted that she has trouble "opening up."  By that I guess she means talking?  They swap marshmallows.  That's not a euphemism for anything.  He describes their potential relationship as a "slow burn."

Ben shows up on the group date on a horse. That's soooo Lindzi.  It is beautiful there, I have to say.  One of the girls says, "How attractive does he look right now?"  A few comment on how nature doesn't get more beautiful AND it's only better because they're with Ben … and a bunch of other hoochie chicks.

Courtney says the date isn't about catching trout.  It's about catching Ben.  She says the other girls aren't on their game, but Ben is paying attention to Kacie B.  Courtney says she's going to turn the date into a one-on-one.  But Lindzi isn't having it.  Don't matter though because Courtney catches a fish and apparently that's exciting.

At drinks, Ben chats with Kacie S., who I thought was Samantha.  Whatever.  They're both blond.  Blakely is wearing a terrible hat.  Nicki connects with him over losing loved ones and we find out that a friend of Ben's died right before he started the show.  Just then, Samantha shows up and acts like an idiot.  Such bad timing!  She's clearly dumb as dirt and tries to challenge him, asking why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one.  He gets pissed and pushes back.  Don't test him, mofo.  He has a temper.  We saw it when Ashley dumped him.  I kinda like it.  He don't take crap.

He tells her that he's observed that she's overly emotional on group dates.  He sends her straight home, saying that she doesn't take the whole thing seriously enough.  She was absurd, but — wow — that was harsh.  He thought she was being a bitch, but she was actually just being a moron.  Sorry, Samantha.  Bye bye.

Courtney, always eloquent and kind, says, "It's nice to see Ben sending girls home.  Another one bites the dust."

Ben gives Kacie B. one-on-one time during the date.  He likes her, for reals.  He always gives her extra time.  He likes her a lot and he says that he's "in trouble."   They still have to go through this whole process!  He says, "I might end up with her.  She's wonderful."

Then he's with Courtney and he is so whipped by her model ass.  She manipulates him into giving her the rose by saying that her feelings are wavering.  But she's so hot that he panics.  (BTW — his hair is wet and away from his face and he looks SO much better.)

The other women are all upset.  But what else is new?

The next one-on-one is with "good kisser" Jennifer, who I think he might keep around for making out purposes, but not for real.  I don't even know why I feel that way.  They're going to climb down/rappel into a crater.  Meanwhile, all I can think is that I want to re-color her way too red hair.

They lower into the water.  It's a metaphor for a relationship, unknown waters blah blah blah.  It rains etc. blah blah blah.

Back at the house, Blakely is doing Emily's highlights.  Obviously, she's not so hated anymore.  They all hate Courtney and — wait! — that girl Jamie who took care of her siblings when her parents died is still around.  I didn't even realize!  We haven't even seen them talk.

Back on the date, there's a country music concert and OMG thank goodness — it's not an awkward personal show.  Phew.  But just when I think we're safe, they go right up to the stage and sway.  Eek.

Anyway, on to the cocktail party, where Emily tries to warn Ben about Courtney and instead ends up looking bad.  Courtney is evil, saying Emily is on her "shit list."   She's such a psychopath and I can only imagine that Ben is blind to it because she's so hot (as evidenced by "scenes from next week," when she strips down completely and goes skinny dipping with him).

Monica — who appeared to possibly be into Blakely on the first episode — is sent home and is upset, but it's confusing because her goodbye with Ben makes it seem like they've barely talked.

I'm worried about next episode, when Emily seems to try to warn Ben AGAIN for some stupid reason and Courtney just gets naked to get her way.  I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Ben can't rightly go skinny dipping with her and make out naked in the water and then send her home, so I'm guessing she'll be sticking around.

Still, my favorite moment in the entire episode?  When Ben announces that they're going to "Vieques, Puerto Rico!" at the end and — amidst the other girls' shrieks of happiness — Courtney pouts, "I was just there two months ago."

Really, Ben?  Really?  I'm not even going to talk about the accent he used when he said "Puerto Rico."

xo – N.