The Lint Collector: The Bachelor a.k.a Bitches Be Crazy
By Nora Zelevansky / January 18th, 2012
So many awkward moments, so little time … on this episode of The Bachelor, featuring Ben's hair flat-ironed YET AGAIN. For the love of all things holy! PLEASE stop styling his situation. It's at least a little better left shaggy!
Anyway, here are my top 10 favorite moments from the night:
1. When Emily and Ben climb The Golden Gate Bridge because she's obviously admitted to the producers that she's afraid of heights despite being a PhD candidate who should know better. (If it was me, I'd tell them I was afraid of sushi and massages … although I am kind of scared of those together on a reality show date actually.)
2. When Emily freaks out like she might fall off the bridge and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose!" to try to comfort her. Um. Ben. Goose dies.
3. When Emily, who seems mildly intelligent, says that Ben's kiss gives her the strength to get up the rest of the bridge. P.S. Why are people not worried about drivers seeing them, getting distracted and crashing?
4. When Ben says that Emily is smarter than him and she doesn't disagree. (Okay, I realize that this is a lot of Emily action, but she got the first one-on-one date and also she's my new favorite cause she cursed a bunch during the episode and sort of seems the most normal.) I also liked during their private fireworks display, when the girls back at the hotel could see and you heard one of them screech, "I'm so ssssad right now."
5. During the group date, when Ben informs the girls that they're going, "snow skiing." I think that's just called, "skiing," Ben. Then when they strip down to bikinis to ski like it's a porno and there's a weird SF guy with a long beard and scraggly hair watching.
6. When the grandma girl Brittany decides to go home for some reason (Is she too insecure? Does she really feel that she doens't deserve a chance with him? Is she freaked out by the circumstances? Turned off by his hair?). Either way, grandma will be bummed.
7. When he then takes Lindzi on the date instead (why the pancake makeup, girl?) and they are forced to dance during a private concert. So awkwaaaaard. When they kiss only because it's better than having to dance. And when they go to a speakeasy and she tells that bizarre story again about getting dumped via a text that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, Babe. Population you," but it gets even weirder because she says that was the only time she's ever been in love. I feel like that reflects really badly on her because either the guy was the biggest douchbag on the planet, she never really knew him in a year and a half of dating and/or we're not getting the full story. Or maybe she was dating Bentley.
8. When Ben tells the redhead that she's the best kisser in the house, which she takes as a huge compliment despite the fact that he's admitting to having made out with almost everyone else in the house.
9. Of course, when Shawntel the furneral director from Brad's season shows up and they try to make her a villain, but she's kind of not. (Of course it's her BTW because she also has parents who can't spell a name normally and that's the theme of this season.) Is she being set up as the next Bachelorette or was this just an attempt to liven up the season?
10. The whole last 10 minutes:
A. When the personal trainer (who I call "Patty" because she looks like Millionaire Matchmaker) just sits there watching, when Ben obviously wants her to leave so he can talk to Shawntel.
B. When the girls all start crying, even the crazy pants model and blonde Rachel with the bangs, who has a rose.
C. When PhD Emily says it looks like they had chemistry.
D. When I of course see a few girls I don't recognize at all because it's the third episode and that's when girls who you swear have never been on before show up.
E. When the girls are too DUMB to realize that Shawntel and Ben have met on The Bachelor circuit, probably doing appearances, and Patty the personal trainer shouts/shrieks at Shawntel (in the WORST Jersey accent), "You don't know Ben! You were with Brad's season!" She was WITH Brad's season? Okay.
F. When that blonde girl with the not so pretty face (sorry) Jaclyn, says, "What IS this?" in response to Shawntel showing up. I want to scream at the screen, "A REALITY SHOW! Isn't it grand?"
G. When I notice that Chris Harrison's hair is getting longer.
H. When someone says on V.O., "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm going to throw up."
I. When Ben calls Samantha's name during the rose ceremony and I'm like, "Who?"
J. When the girl with the black curly hair who made fun of Shawntel's thighs has an anxiety attack (or maybe faints from not eating) and then gets sent home anyway. Oops. And Ben says, "Well, I wasn't expecting that."
K. When crazy pants model Courtney shows her true colors by chiding Ben for his antics at the rose ceremony and swearing she'll go home if he keeps Shawntel. As if.
L. Well, I can't say when Shawntel goes home cause I kinda wanted her to stay. She's pretty and I like her! But it was classic when Courtney yelled, "Sianara!" as Ben walked Shawntel out.
M. When Shawntel says that Ben was silly to send her home out of fairness, when this is about his future wife. (I kinda agree).
N. In scenes from next week, when everyone looks INSANE again!
For the record, my frontrunners are: Kasie B. from Tennessee, Rachel with the blonde bangs, Emily the PhD girl and, well, only cause I want him to like her, that nurse girl who took care of her whole family. I actually don't think that redhead is going to be the thing and, when he does pick someone, that other girl is going to be PRETTY pissed that he called her the best kisser. Maybe Nicki is up there too. Wait? Is Nicki the nurse? Is that the same person? Eh, who knows? It doesn't matter! This is reality TV!
Until next week!
xo – N.