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EVERYWHERE: THE BEST SALE!!!!

By Nora Zelevansky / June 30th, 2011

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Since I'm a HUGE Vince fan and I recommended the Natalie bathing suit from Anthropologie and it was (gasp!) all sold out (boo hissssss!), I needed to tell you guys about this HUGE Vince summer sale for BOYS and GIRLS that's happening.

It's crazy!  You can get this leather jacket for $300-ish instead of $800-ish:

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Shut up.  Shut up.

xo – N.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF TUESDAY [THE BEST BATHING SUIT]

By Nora Zelevansky / June 28th, 2011

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Okay, I'm truly sorry not to be posting a Bachelorette recap today, but I'm off on a trip – first to San Diego and then to Vancouver and Victoria – and will be watching it late.

I'll report back on all that when I return, BUT, in the meantime, I thought I at least owed you some kind of nugget.  Above, behold the Natalie One-Piece from Anthropologie, which I KID YOU NOT is the best fitting, most flattering bathing suit that I have ever encountered in my entire life.

Seriously.

It comes in multiple colors (I have the polkadots!) and it's all old Hollywood and stuff, but best of all, it seems to be on sale right now.  I feel like I should buy 10 to wear over the next decade.  That's how good this thing looks on.

I'm sure you'll get on swimmingly! (Couldn't resist.)

xo – N.

NYC (AND BEYOND): SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION

By Nora Zelevansky / June 24th, 2011

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So, in addition to "Fit Like Us" for self.com, I've been working on a thing or two about a thing or two.  (I don't even know what that means.)

But anyway, I wanted to share this link to my recent essay about H&H Bagels closing its Upper West Side location.  If you've already seen it, my apologies.

Also, check out this story about brand new amazing clothing line ELKIN out of Downtown LA in C Magazine.

Happy weekend!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE CHIANGS HER MAI

By Nora Zelevansky / June 21st, 2011

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The show starts out with someone saying that Ashley had a hard week last week.  Does anyone else think that every week is hard, if you're Ashley?

I want to take a second out and say something that may not be PC: The Bachelorette sucks more than The Bachelor because there's just something that's WAY more pathetic about a bunch of dudes standing around talking about how much they want to get married.  I mean, it's just so emasculating and pathetic.  Any guy can get married.  What's wrong with these losers?

Moving on: In Chiang Mai, Ashley takes Ben F. "The Wine Guy" on a date and they sort of seem like they have nothing to talk about, but then Brad & Emily seemed that way last season, so … who knows?  (There's something amazing about the fact that they refer to him as Ben F. & her as Ashley H.  It's like kindergarten.  Where's the juice and cookies???)  He and Ashley aren't allowed to kiss, so he suggests a "mental kiss" at which point I decide that I am no longer allowed to favor him above the other guys because he is oozing cheese.

But then he talks about his vineyard and I'm sort of back on board … until he says he wants to spoil her and then I feel nast again.  I don't think it's that I like him.  I think it's that I like Sonoma.  He talks about his dad passing and it's sad.  But that's becoming par for the course on this show.

If you didn't see this Bachelor look-alike story, you MUST check it out.

The guys on the group date are going to Muay Thai kickbox, which is funny because The Drewser (my hubby) has been into that lately.  His take on them: "I think they're oiled up." (Said with a repulsed grimace.)  He also reports that Ames sucks, which is sort of clear, since he slips as if on a banana peel when fighting … no one.

Turns out they have to box in front of a few hundred Thai people, who seem quite ready to watch some waxed chested Americans act like idiots.  The dates on this season have been intended to torture … and not just torture us!

Round 1: The dentist wins.

Round 2: While Ashley yelps, "I don't want to see this!" and Lucas responds, "You planned the date!", JP unexpectedly wins though he is the smallest!  But more importantly he calls himself a "Jew from Long Island."  He's MOB, which no one admits on this show!  Not even Jason Mesnick!  Okay — JP is my new fave.  I have no choice.

Round 3: Ryan wins and Ames is all fucked up from it.

Round 4: Nick vs. Constantine and my money is on Nick.  Who LOSES!  Which shows you how much I know.

And Ames is off to the hospital because he doesn't feel like himself.  Oh no!  He was annoying, but the only one with a brain.  What if he's dumb now too??  They made him a moron!

BTW–My brill sister pointed me in the direction of this Bachelorette news (not a spoiler — don't worry!)

We have to wait through that weird Rachel Bilson Magnum ice cream commercial cause we're live.  In the meantime, I eat a Joan's on Third mini lemon bundt cake and I'm thinking that, if Ashley had a brain, she would just marry that.  It's SO good!

Anyway, Ames is being wheeled into the hospital when the show comes back and all I can think is that, in The Hangover II, Bradley Cooper gets stitches in Thailand for $6.

Once again, Ashley feels like things have gone awry.  The Drewser says he dares her to send Ames home now — ha!  Ames comes back.  He's alive.  Hurrah!  Ashley is soooooo glad that he's okay.  He doesn't seem okay to me.  I think he may have lost a few IQ points.  He says he has a mild concussion, which I would have totally called a "major concussion" to sound more impressive.

She asks Lucas to show her how to golf and acts all excited that he knows how, even though she has never golfed in her life.  She says he's smooth with the ladies.  But she literally walks him through it.  She gives the rose to the dentist.  He shows his pearly whites, which reminds me to floss.

Next is a two-on-one date, which means that one dude is going to go home.  It's between Ben C. & William — I feel like she'll totally send Ben home, but we'll see.  Ashley says she can relate to their stress because she was on a two-on-one with the other Ashley during her season of The Bachelor.  They're rowing her down a river.  And, I gotta say, it does look beautiful.

William says he can be the most romantic guy in the room, the funniest guy in the room or the biggest dick in the room.  Um.  We watched you during the roast. Not so sure about the "funniest" thing.  He tells Ashley that Ben C. wants to go home, which is a flat out lie.  Wooooow William.  You are the biggest asshole in the room.

And it works!  She doesn't even TALK to Ben C. about the whole thing before she sends him home.  DUMB.  Wow.  I kind of am freaked out by William.  And I think she might deserve him.

But she sends him home!  And she doesn't seem like she feels bad.  Go Ashley!  William feels like a loser.  And he is one!  He says he wants to curl up in bed and not wake up.  Um.  Now I'm depressed.  Luckily, I have chocolate goat milk ice cream to eat.

Ashley says the date made her insecure.  REALLY, ASHLEY???  How unusual.  She is in a FOUL mood maybe because of Constantine's ugly lime green shirt.

She sends Nick home.  "Who?" says Drewser.  Exactly.

And now, 400 desserts later, the show has ended and I am fatter, but also impatient for next week.  I mean, where the hell is Bentley?  They tricked us!  Foiled again.

xo – N.

 

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE GOES TO THAILAND

By Nora Zelevansky / June 14th, 2011

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This week The Bachelorette went to Thailand on what Chris Harrison called, "The mother of all road trips!"  Except they took a plane.

Here are 20 things that I learned:

1. The Hangover II was terrible, but not the WORST thing shot in Thailand and released this year.

2. Ashley feels insecure.  Oh, really?

3. Constantine has bad hair and a worse name, but he's still cooler than Ashley.

4. Sharing Ashley really "chaps" JP's "ass."

5. These guys still seem to believe that Ashley plans the dates.

6. Ryan has a "different" personality, according to Blake.

7. There's a guy named Blake on this show.

8. Ashley wants the guys to flirt, even in orphanages.

9. Ben F. "the wine guy" still rocks most – he totally painted an elephant mural on the wall for "the children."  Awwwww.

10. This kiss with Ben F. was "really good."  Um.  Yeah.  Because he's totally out of your league, woman.  (PS I think he's secretly a total nerd.  Why do I always prefer smarty pants nerds?)

11. She is still obsessed with Bentley.  She must be so humiliated watching this.

12. I know they alway kiss multiple people, but this time it's weird to me for some reason.

13. Ames has been to Thailand a few times before alone for a "cooking school" he found online.  Um.  Can you say sex change and ping pong shows?

14. When you have 700 advanced degrees and have been to 70 countries like Ames, you speak as if you're in a 19th century novel:

Some snippets of the dialogue …

Ashley: Wooooow.

Ames: Wow, indeed.

———————————————–

Ashley: You're so smooth.

Ames: Only when inspired.

———————————————–

Ames: So what's an intangible quality you look for in someone?

Ashley: What does "intangible" mean?

Okay, okay.  She didn't say that, but she thought it!  You know she did!

15. Ames and Ashley are comfortable being silent together.  (A.K.A. They felt super awkward and had nothing to say.)

16. Ashley says Ames is somehow "different" from the other guys.  Yes.  He can string together a sentence, even if it does always end with "indeed."

17. The guys think it's annoying that Ryan is so chipper all the time.  I think he's bipolar, having a manic episode and might crack at any moment.  But that's just me.

18. Ashley sends guys home because their wives are dead and she's too insecure to live up to that.  Don't tell her about another woman, dudes, even if that woman is deceased.

19. Ashley is insecure.

20. Bentley is coming back!  Bentley is coming back (which I have to imagine is to tell her that he never liked her, so she'll get a grip already)!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: BENTLEY WISHES HE WAS FROM HELL [THE BACHELORETTE]

By Nora Zelevansky / June 7th, 2011

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Yup.  It's the episode we've all been waiting for since the show started … only two weeks ago?  Jeez.  It seems like years.  Anyway, it's Bentley time.

In Ashley's talking head at the start of the episode, she says: "Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet."  And then, for good humiliating measure, she adds (or they edit her in saying), "I can't believe all these guys want to date me."

But they don't.  And we already know that.  Because we saw what's "coming up" on this episode.  Ruh roh.

Anyway, Ashley goes with some guy named Ben (who is not the wine guy) on the first one-on-one date and she's really excited because she says she's created something that I don't understand at all that has to do with dancing (and she says this like we have any effing clue what she's talking about).

All we need to know: Ashley is dancing yet again and I'm starting to wonder if even she is "here for the right reasons."  What was that again about Bentley trying to further his career (ahem)?  Why do I feel like dentistry is not in her future, unless she chips something during the next season of "Dancing With The Stars"?  Yeah, you know she'll be on it.

While dancing, Ben says "she became miles more attractive to me."  A) Does that mean that he found her kind of nasty before?  B) REALLY, BEN??  What is wrong with you? C) They are totes at The Grove.

Oh, I finally understand what she was saying: "Flash Mob."  That girl needs to take a diction course.  Also, why are all her dates SO lame???  This is so unspeakably embarrassing that it makes Ed's erectile dysfunction during Jillian's season seem cool.

Ben says he wants to live in an "unrealistic, idealistic bubble," where they believe they're "more in love than anyone else."  Well, that sounds like a good foundation for a solid relationship.  This guy is bonkers.  He admits that if he was in the real world, he'd be wrestling with whether to add an emoticon to his text to her.  RED FLAG! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ;P

On the other hand, I am LOVING the organ music they're playing everytime the masked man shows up!  PS Why are there flowers embossed on that thing?  Could he have picked a weirder mask?  Do you think it smells after all these days?  He draws out revealing himself like nobody's business blah, blah.  And when he does, he basically looks exactly the same as you expect and says (without irony or even a smile), "Hi.  I'm Jeff."

HA!!!!  That is the best thing ever.  You can't make this shit up.  What a weirdo.  Ashley says he looks older than she thought.  Well, that backfired. :p

Then, suddenly, Jeffrey Ross is on my TV and I'm wondering what the hell he is doing on The Bachelorette.  Apparently, this episode is all about making Ashley feel like crap because, not only did she dance like an idiot at an outdoor mall and is she getting dumped by Bentley later, but also the guys are being instructed to insult her.

But I'm sure it will go well because her self-esteem is so good.

See?  Bentley wants us to think he's the devil, but it's really the producers who are chilling in hell.  The guy with 700 graduate degrees says that this is the most traumatic thing that he has ever had to do.  I guess his Porsche can't help him now.

Meanwhile, William believes that this is his big break as a comedian.  I don't think this is going to go well for him.  He's willing to make Ashley cry to impress Jeffrey Ross, which I half respect, except is ANYONE on this show not BLATANTLY trying to make it in Hollywood?  Maybe only Bentley.  Oh, the irony.  Anyway, they could hide it at least.

The reoccurring jokes seem to be about Ashley's small boobs and the fact that she got dumped by Brad.  Oh, yeah.  She thinks this is HILARIOUS.

She's excited to hear William because they "actually know each other."  After all, she "spent a whole day with him."  She literally looks like she's going to cry when he says that he would rather date Emily or Chantal (who did have bigger boobs BTW).  Even Bentley thinks he's a jerk.  He gets booed.

And then she cries.  And it's pretty sad.  Bentley pretends in V.O. that he goes to talk to her to "screw with her head," but he's really just comforting her.  Way to punish her with hugs.  At this point, I just think he's trying too hard to seem "evil."  It bores me.  I don't even buy it.

At the post party, she admits to all the guys at once that she's very insecure and was worried that they would all turn back around when they got out of the limo that first day.

BTW–You know what's NOT hot?  Naked insecurity.

Oh no.  And now William is crying too.  And he says he should go home.  Does he WANT to go home?  And he tells her to go talk to the other guys to cheer her spirits.  Um.  Really?  He walks out and starts wandering Hollywood Boulevard at night.  That's not a very good idea and really not a nice place to walk.  He sits at a bus stop and I feel like he should move because it's probably some crazy homeless person's bed.

Some guy named Ryan cheers Ashley up by telling her that he hoped it would be her on the show.  I have no idea who he is, though I know I've seen him before, but what else is new?

J.P. gets the second one-on-one date.  His date card says, "There's no place like home."  None of the guys can figure out what that means.  Maybe it means that you're going to hang out at her home?  Just guessing.

And then there's a twist!  Ashley tells Bentley that she was "contacted" about him before the show started and heard bad things.  Why do I feel like she's talking about her alien abduction?  OKAY. SHUT UP.  Bentley says that this probably coming from Michelle Money, who knows his ex-wife.

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Remember her????  How crazy pants was she???  YAY!  I LOVE this franchise.  I mean, it is so genius and idiotic!  I feel like they're just talking about pretend people, but they're NOT!  They're talking about real people named "Money"!

Anyway … Ashley says that if Bentley left she would be sadder than she was with Brad.  She says she believes everything he said.  Which, by the way, was NOTHING.  Bentley says he wants to leave, but he's afraid it's "going to hurt her a little bit."  Oh.  You're so baaaad.  Ashley says she's in love.

Bentley packs his shit to go.  He tells the guys he's leaving cause of his daughter and then he calls them "stupid" for believing him.  Um, yeah, they believed you because they have absolutely no reason not to.  What skill is there in that?  No one thinks you're lying cause there's no upside to lying and then telling the truth to camera!  Why is he acting like he pulled something off?  He got nothing out of this.  Kudos, you idiot.

Anyway, he actually seems super nervous to tell Ashley he's leaving, which just proves my point that he's only fake mean.  That's even lamer than if he was really evil.  He keeps hugging her and wiping the hair from her face.  SO MEAN!  Don't get me wrong.  The guys is a douche.  But he's so not a real villain.  I almost think he started to like her a little bit and was afraid of what his friends at home would say.

She cries again.  And he totally cries because he misses his daughter, which he pretends he's doing on purpose in the V.O.  Sorry, Charlie.  You're not that good an actor.  I ain't buying it. 🙁 🙁 🙁

He says even if he's not coming back, he wants to keep the "dot dot dot there," so their "chapter" won't end.  With absurd drama in her voice, Ashley repeats "dot, dot, dot."  It's called an "ellipsis" people!

Anyway, he leaves, she cries and then, when her JP date starts (yes, at home), she's mellow and sort of grumpy.  And, you know what?  I think I like her better this way.  Stop trying so hard, woman!  When you stop trying, you're actually more tolerable.  She puts on glasses.  Dude, she so doesn't care what any of these other guys think anymore — at least for a few hours.  Two words: Friend. Vibe.

She says there's something about J.P.'s kisses.  Maybe it's the wine?  "J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department," she says.  Good for you, Ashley!

Rose ceremony: Chris Harrison is trying to basically talk Ashley out of caring about Bentley.  She admits that maybe Bentley was a fraud.  She says, "It's hard cause it all ended with a dot, dot, dot."  Chris says, "That's such a guy thing to say."  He says if Bentley actually liked her, he would have fought for her.

But she is too busy with her pity party to even notice.  She keeps saying, "He was my guy!"  You know when someone keeps repeating the same language that way, she's just all involved in the movie of her own life.

No cocktail party.  She addresses her insecurity AGAIN, explaining it AGAIN.  We get it, dude.  UUUUUGH.

And it happened!  It happened!  It's the 3rd episode and I just saw some blonde guy with short hair who I have NEVER seen before!  I mean, NEVER.  It's inevitable!  WHO IS THAT GUY?  His name is Lucas.  Who is Lucas?

Ultimately, she sends home the masked man and some other dude who looks vaguely familiar, who does a great job of holding it together.  Bravo.  And bye bye, masked man!

xo – N.