By Nora Zelevansky / August 3rd, 2010

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On the most dramatic Bachelorette finale ever, Ali wears yellow.  Again.

Dude.  When she said she was going to "break the rules," I thought she meant she might wear like green or something.

I don't know who I feel worse for: Chris L. or Ali's brother.  I can't believe the family talked on national TV about dressing him up in feather boas.  Poor guy.  Now he'll never get laid.

Anyway, as usual, Ali "No Poker Face" McGee made it obvious she was more into Roberto from the very beginning and sort of took the steam out of the reveal (which I called BTW).  Just saying.

To be fair, guessing plot-lines is a special talent of mine.

But this isn't about me.  This is about three morons on an island.

It's impossible not to feel awful for Chris L. (the next Bachelor, I assume?).  He keeps talking about being in love and how his parents had that etc.  Ugh.  Ali.  How could you string this guy – of all guys – along?  He's still a disaster because of his mother.  And why is she taking so long to break it to him?  Why does she keep saying she doesn't know what to do, when she knows exactly what she's doing?  Why does she seem so giddy?

Ali says, "This wasn't an easy decision."  But, I mean, it was.  Because she's letting him go before the proposal day even comes.  To be fair, though, I guess if you don't know which guy to choose the day before they propose, it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.  Like, you SHOULD know already.

Luckily, Chris sees a rainbow, which IS kind of touching.  And then, if he can learn how to annunciate, I think he'll make a lovely Bachelor contestant.

Neil Lane looks well-preserved blah blah.  Meanwhile, I sort of think by next year that Ali will be host on E! or something, but she and Roberto have as good a chance as any of the past contestants, I think.  If she really loves him, he does seems pretty sweet.  But then he also said right before proposing, "I don't think I've ever thought as much I have today."  Brain trust, he's not.

I think I discovered that the key to getting picked is kissing someone awkwardly while hanging high up in the air, either like Vienna from a bungee or Roberto on a tightrope.

Cue … Lion King music?  Okay.

So, then, Frank bailed on "After the Final Rose."  Wait–Frank freaked out and had a "change of heart"?  How odd and surprising.  WHATEVER.  He probably broke up with that girl and felt like a moron, that neurotic mess.

Anywa, blah blah.  Chris is understanding.  Roberto made me think they were sort of normal when said, "I can't believe we met on a TV show."  And I'm bored because the reveal already happened and I don't care about listening to them blabber about their true love and or watching them reminisce about things that I watched five minutes ago.

Via con dios, you guys.  Adios hair extensions, Ali (I hope), and Chris Harrison saying Roberto's name all weird: "RoberTO."  And hola Bachelor Pad.

xo – N.

P.S.  What do you think?  Will Bachelor Pad be sucky like Top Chef Masters?

P.P.S.  Did you know that the bachelorette doesn't get to keep the ring, unless they stay with the guy for a certain amount of time?

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: On a very special episode of “Frank Hijacks The Bachelorette” …

By Nora Zelevansky / July 20th, 2010

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This week on Frank Goes to Chicago ... oh, wait.  That's not what this show is supposed to be about.  This is The Bachelorette.  Ali is supposed to find love.

But, no, instead we're stuck listening to some loser named Frank ramble on and on in this incredibly whiny voice about how pivotal this moment is for him because he might find love with Ali or his ex-girlfriend and his love for Ali is actually fueling his love for his ex-girlfriend, which makes no sense AT ALL.  Meanwhile, all I can think is, why would ANYONE want to date this sweaty narcissistic dork?  Let alone bring him to a Fantasy Suite?

Two words: Heebie jeebies.

Three more words: Potential serial killer.

By the way, if any guy besides Drewser ever happens to profess his love for me, I really hope he does it like Frank, beginning by telling me how amazing his relationship is with another woman and also about how this other woman doesn't know I exist.  I can see why this ex-girlfriend of his just melts.

Anyway, she has crazy eyes like him.  Plus, she actually utters the words, "You complete me" basically, so she's CLEARLY a loser too.

Does anyone feel like this guy wasted our time as well as Ali's?  Andre pointed out that, of course, this would have been more interesting if we hadn't known it was coming for so long.  True dat.

Anyway, now I feel like Ali is like the Jennifer Aniston of Bachelorette contestants.  I'm like,  POOR ALI!  Team Ali!!!!  I want to make t-shirts!!

Anyway, cue Latin Roberto music … do the editors seriously have NO shame?  I hope that they're at least laughing the whole damn time cause if it's meant earnestly, I like can't deal.  Anyway, Ali says she thinks Roberto would make a perfect husband and I kind of agree, although I'm not sure you say that about someone you actually FEEL that way about, so much as somebody you WANT to feel that way about.  But it does seem like she likes him and she's obviously super attracted to him anyway.  Roberto stalls for 500 years before he says that he's falling in love with her, but he eventually gets it out.

Then Ali hands him a card.  My gosh.  What could that be?  A note you say?  From Chris Harrison?  What's that you say?  Fantasy Suite?  What could that be?  My favorite thing about the fantasy dates is how she has to pretend that the whole note thing is brand new each time.  "Wow.  Never seen one of those before!"  Cut to Roberto with his shirt off and a fluttering closed curtain.

Next, Ali embraces Chris L., but weirdly she doesn't follow that up with, "Guess who I did last night?"  I mean, WHAT I did.  Get your mind out of the gutter, people.  I wish he would stop being so damn awk.  He was so funny in the talking heads, when she wasn't around at the beginning of the season!  I know this is totally absurd because I eat oysters, but did anyone else feel kind of bad for the shell fish, when they started just randomly opening shells?  Like, hey, kill that guy!  He might have a pearl!  Chris should totally make Ali earrings out of them.

Ali says she is looking forward to "seeing what tonight brings" with Chris L.  Does that mean what I think means?  Size queen.  You know, she doesn't have any anxiety or guilt about this process at all, as far as I can tell.  I'm sort of impressed.  Anyway, he ain't no Ed.  This guy is like, "Um. duh.  Let's go to the Fantasy Suite ASAP!"  At least this season, the Fantasy Suites are different rooms, so she doesn't have to pretend she's never seen it before every night.  Chris L. says his mother is smiling down right now.  I think maybe she's averting her eyes.  I mean, Fantasy Suite and all.

Then Frank's back and I just want to barf on him too much to even comment.  He's a self-involved shit blob.  He's never going to be happy with anyone.  He's too neurotic.  'Nuff said.  Although it is sort of funny to watch Chris Harrison pretend he doesn't already know about Frank's "bad news" and ask with a straight face, "How do you think she'll take this?"

Well, Chris.  I think she'll take it well.

Apparently, we're all in the movie of Frank's life.  Then, of course, he's crying.  This guy is headed for a full on psychotic break anyway.  Better not to be with him then.  BYE BYE, FRANKIEEE.  See you in hell.

Anyway … Ali's wearing a dress that's not good for her at the rose ceremony.  EEKS.  Ali says she doesn't want the guys to feel they're here by default cause they aren't.  But they kind of are because she was planning to take Frank home.  I guess she would have sent Chris L. home?  Who knows …

Personally, I think she's better off.  And off we go through another week … just waiting for our next rose ceremony.  Ugh.  Stupid reunion bullshit.  Blah, blah, blah.

xo – N.


By Nora Zelevansky / July 13th, 2010

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What IS this?  The Biggest Loser?  I mean, I am generally the first person to burst into tears, but it's like a cry fest around these parts lately.  And by "these parts" I mean wherever the Bachelorette cameras go.

I realize that Chris L. got cast because of his mother, Kirk got cast because of his black mold illness, Roberto got cast because–well–because he's hot and played minor league baseball and Frank got cast because–wait, why did Frank get cast?  Cause he's skittish and crazy?  But I mean, is there anything else to these peeps?

First, we visited Roberto's family (cue shameless Latin music, right C?).  I am starting to think that Ali should maybe choose him, if she can get past the fact that he is a little lacking in edge and she can actually have "feelings" for him beyond wanting to hump him right on the baseball diamond.  He seems sweet and solid and like a good catch (or as much so as one could be on The Bachelorette.)  Conversely, if he is totally earnest about this show, does that make him automatically dumb as dirt?

Next, Chris L.'s whole cute family is like raw with sadness, which Ali "No Poker Face" Fedotowsky CANNOT really handle.  Also, it's raining, while everyone else got sun.  Not quite as LITE as she seems to prefer, at least judging by her facial expressions.  On a side note, do you think if she picked him and then went out with him, she would be like "Hi, nice to see you.  This is my boyfriend, Chris L."  When does he get to drop the last initial already?  I feel like I'm in nursery school every time I hear it.

Then off to Kirk's house, where everyone cries about mold and stuff.  Kirk's "all in" now.  He's kind of growing on me actually.  Growing like black mold.  HA!  No, but really.  More like mold spores that aren't toxic.

Lastly, she's off to see Frank, who she says she likes because he's "so laid back."  Um.  Ali?  Can I ask you something?  Are you INSANE?  I think by "laid back" she must mean on the verge of a breakdown.  Just because someone jumps around and acts like a spazz with tons of nervous energy, doesn't mean he's "laid back."

But it's so obvious she likes him best.  Which is sad.  Cause he's totally about to fuck her royally.  And not in the Fantasy Suite kinda way, if you know what I mean.

Also, this has been bugging me: I would like to point out with regard to Frank that going on a three week trip to Paris is neither "moving to Paris to focus on your art" or an excuse for living with your parents.  That's called a vacation, Frank.  If that is your name.  Three weeks in Paris does not a Hemingway make, stupido.

On a separate note, all over the Internetsss, people are speculating that Ali may be Jewish.  Not that it matters anyway, but I really don't think so.  Isn't she just like Polish?  Are there Jews in Massachusetts?  I mean, outside of Newton?  One brilliant blogger speculates that Ali cannot possibly have been born Jewish because she ate an oyster on the show.  She also left her payis and horns at home.

Hmm.  I guess that means I wasn't born Jewish either cause I eat oysters too.  Huh.  I totally thought I was.  Good to know.  See?  You learn things because of The Bachelorette.

People also think Frank is Jewish.  I hope not.  He's tool city.  Where is Reid when you need him?

Anyway, in the end, Ali cries too.  It wasn't the mold or the death of a mother that turned on the water works, but rather the rose ceremony.  It's hard to be Ali.  But tonight maybe it's harder to be Kirk.  Apparently, mold does not an experienced romantic make.  But at least he didn't cry.

xo – N.

P.S. I am confused.  Chris L.'s father referenced Ali quitting her job to take care of her ailing grandmother before she died.  But didn't her grandmother pass away right before she went on the Bachelor with Jake?  Wouldn't it then follow that she had no job to leave the show for?  Maybe she only took bereavement leave or something.  Or MAYBE, just MAYBE, the producers came to her and said, "Leave the show now and you can be the Bachelorette."  But that's just a conspiracy theory.

P.P.S. Andre brilliantly pointed out that you can see Ali's arm hair stand on end in the scenes from next week, when Frank says he has something to tell her.  Good catch, Drewser!


By Nora Zelevansky / May 6th, 2010


Guilty though we may feel about our level of mounting excitement, the truth is, if you're anything like me, you're pretty damn thrilled that the new Bachelorette is starting on May 24th.

That's right: I can't wait to roll my eyes at trite expressions of inauthentic feeling like, "I'm here for the right reasons" and "Chris, I'm excited that my future husband may be in this room."

Sure, it makes me gag, but so do buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans and I still eat those.  It's all about moderation.  And a really undiscerning taste level.

ANYWAY … so you can imagine my elation and surprise when I received an email in my "Inbox" yesterday with some insider info about the season premiere.  (The above pictures of string bikini clad boobs will finally be explained here.)

Apparently, the new bachelorette, Ali Fedotowsky …


… will be rocking the above Envy Push-Up Bikini by Voda Swim during the first episode.

This is useful information for four reasons.  Ready?

1. If you have small boobs that you wish were bigger, you now know what bathing suit to buy for this summer (yours for $110).

2. You now know that blue is Ali's color.

3. You now know that Ali's boobs are probably smaller than they'll look.

4. You have time to mentally prepare for an inevitably awkward hot tub and/or pool scene between Ali and 25 hair gel-slathered men with waxed back hair.  Get that gag reflex under control now.

How will they top the foot fetish dude this year?  That question will be answered soon enough, as Ali inevitably keeps all the really vanilla genitalia-free Ken dolls around and, within the first three episodes, sends home the one funny normal guy who you like best.

Can't you just hear yourself?  "I actually liked that guy!"

Better get to training with those butter popcorn jelly beans.  The Bachelorette waits for no man. Not even Jake.

Will you accept this bikini?

xo – N.