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THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE’S OVER — WHAT NOW?

By Nora Zelevansky / August 2nd, 2011

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Sadly, this will have to be a super short post because I somehow injured one of my typing hands.

But I would like to begin by saying that Ashley's sister is a hater.  She goes off after like two seconds about how JP isn't the one.  First of all, she keeps calling him old — an elderly 34.  Then, she decides that he's not wacky or fun enough for her sister.

Um.  Newsflash.  Ashley is not fun.  She likes to flash mob and cry.

Also, JP isn't funny enough?  He just made your asses love like 5 times.

I love how the sister keeps talking about how she makes rational decisions and that Ashley is irrational, which is so insulting — and Ashley doesn't even notice.  If you don't have faith at all in Ashley's instincts then how do you propose she makes a decision?  The best part: We then find out that she's divorced.

Anyway, she hates JP and loves Ben and Ashley is too dumb to realize that her sister is a pathetic attention whore, so — even though she CRIES and says she's heartbroken — she seems to listen to her!  It's so obvious that Ashley actually likes JP best, but feels like she SHOULD pick Ben.

Why isn't anyone telling her that sometimes the guy you fit with best isn't necessarily your obvious type?  How can she not tell that her sister is miserable and jealous?  No matter which guy went first, she would have unleashed on him.  I feel sure of it.

Anyway — after the family visits, she takes a mud bath with Ben.  Um.  TMI moment.  Then he tells her he loves her.

JP date — she's clearly done a 180.  Her sister told her that her life with the "old" guy would be boring and dull and she's a stupid ass and believes it.  Even though he's a much less uptight more generous person than Ben — it's obvious.  But she's going to make decisions based on what her sister thinks and it won't work out.  But then JP says he's madly in love and gave her a book, so who knows?

I have to say — two things that make this season stand out — first, that she doesn't express any weirdness at all about making out with all these dudes.  Usually, the women are a little more restrained.  Second, I sort of don't know who she is going to pick 100% for once.

And then … it's Ben she's dumping.  And this is rough.  JP has been a neurotic Jew the whole time and worried that she'll dump him.  Ben has NO idea.  He's getting completely blind-sided.  He's crying about his dad.  She tries to tell him, but then he shushes her and gets down on one knee.  It's AWWWWWFUL.  And he does not wait around to act gracious.  He just walks the fuck out.  Totally shows his true colors.  He's like, "You can't leave something like this on good terms" and "Good things don't end unless they end badly."  NEGATIVO.  No matter what she did to JP, he would not have reacted this way.  I'm positive.

I'm kind of liking the pissed side of Ben.  But it's like a 180.  I bet she never even knew he had a temper.  Ben says he thinks that JP was the safe bet and that's why Ashley chose him.  He's wrong.  He was actually the safe choice.

Okay — this didn't end up being short.  I'm a sick puppy, literally enduring pain to express my Bachelorette opinion.  Anyway, it's JP proposal time and I so think they might be one of the couples that actually lasts.  And he loves her and she loves him and he FINALLY proposes and then they stand around all awkwardly and then they do a montage to (YES, THEY WENT FOR IT!) REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling."  Which is a little upsetting — does this mean that I won't ever be able to hear that song without thinking of The Bachelorette again?

Now comes "After The Final Rose" and we find out that Ben is now sleeping with Ashley's sister.  JUST KIDDING!  But how great would that be?  He still seems pissed, but he denies it.  I love when someone gets dumped and then shows their true colors.  He's super pissy.  And why did they STRAIGHTEN his hair?  Eeks.

Anyway — JP & Ashley are totally in looooove.  Her sister is still a beeatch, even though she pretends to repent.  Her sister references holidays together — Thanksgivings, Christmases.  Ashley adds, "Chanukah!"  I like that, Ashley!  Score one for the tribe.

BTW–Chris Harrison's hair is so dark, long and curly, right?

Anyway, that's all they wrote.  And no announcement about the next Bachelor.  Now what?  How will we spend our time?

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE’S “FANTASY SUITE” EPISODE

By Nora Zelevansky / July 26th, 2011

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That's right folks: It's that time of year again — FANTASY SUITE SEASON!!  This is when The Bachelorette reaches new heights of shamelessness, giving the expression "down and dirty" a whole new meaning.  And Ashley doesn't have an impressionable child at home to use as an excuse for playing demure and skipping the ho-bag suite.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, one needs to fast forward through the "coming up" scenes from this current episode.  I'm sorry, but why in the world would I want to spoil what I'm literally seconds from watching?

Three are left: Ben F. "The Wine Guy", JP "The Jew" and Constantine "The Douche Who Doesn't Like Her Much."  She likes all of them blah blah blah.  We get flashbacks to dates throughout the season.  As my ever wise hubby Andre said to the TV, "Yeah — we know, dude.  You like her.  We already saw this."

The relationship with Constantine is supposedly moving very slowly, which is never a good sign, but we shall see.  As usual, it seems obvious that she likes JP the most.  Let's hope he can perform, if you know what I mean.  (What I mean is that I hope he doesn't pull an Ed during Jillian's season and announce to the entire world that he couldn't get it up.)

Anywaaaay … Surprise, surprise!  Psychotically cheerful Ryan shows up.  My sis totally said it would be him, but I thought it would be Brad.  That was wishful thinking, I guess.  They do love having people come back on this show.  I guess Ryan was the best they could muster up?  Jeez.  This season is ALL about humiliating people.  This is like a horror movie.  As he approaches Ashley's hotel bungalow and pours out his feelings, everyone at home is screaming — Don't go in there!  Go back!  Turn around!!!  For the love of GOD!!!!  PS Why does he sort of remind me of Robin Williams?

Anyway, she so doesn't like him, so there's not exactly a cliff hanger here.

Whatev.  First comes Ben — who is tan.  And that is helpful.  Ashley is wearing a red bikini top, white flowy gypsy skirt and Birkenstocks.  Honestly — there's something weird and forced about it like she's playing dress up.  Ben has "transformed into the more open emotional Ben."  Or so he says.

He gets set to slather her with sunblock, even her chest.  She straddles him and rubs him down.  It's a little … awk.  I feel like I'm watching foreplay.  They call it flirtatiousness.  I call it pre-sex humping.  Um.  Can we get on with the fantasy suite, so they can close the door and we don't have to watch?

They both say that they're very comfortable together blah, blah, blah.  I'll say one thing — I think Ashley legitimately likes two guys, which makes for a good show.  Also, she's an a-number-one horn dog.  She's so not saying "no" to the fantasy suite card.  At dinner, I think she's not wearing makeup or something.  Weeird.  She says everytime she leaves him, she thinks "I could really imagine my life with this guy."  I sort of have this feeling that in her head, she's thinking, "But than I see JP."

Ben says he's on his way to "the whole I love you thing."  Not quite as well-spoken as he'd hoped.  But she says she's so excited to give him the fantasy suite card, so he can "show me how he feels."  Cue porn music.

This is one of my favorite things about this show.  I LOVE that the invitation to spend the night together is supposedly from host Chris Harrison.  HILARIOUS.  And most likely written by some poor P.A.  She wants to get it on and he's still saying that spending the night together would be "very nice."  He carries her — yes carries her — out of the hot tub.

Next up, Constantine … He says he needs a haircut because he has "the Euro mullet."  Um.  You mean your hair sometimes look different than this???  But that does sort of make me like him more.  She calls him a Greek god.  Really?  Whatever.  To each her own, I guess.  He says, "You're crushing my bucket list."

Pan to Ryan, who is hanging on the beach below.  BUZZ KILL.  I'd rather watch Constantine talk about himself.  Sorry, Ryan.  She's busy having a boink fest with three other dudes.

Meanwhile, Ashley reveals that Constantine looked at 108 houses before he picked one and she says that relates directly to their relationship.  She says she hopes that things take off with them tonight.  I feel like she's doing that thing that girls do, where they try to tell the guy what he should say or do to save the relationship.  They actually talk about Ben and his wine knowledge on the date, which seems like a bad sign.

We don't even hear her offer it, but Constantine doesn't accept the fantasy suite card because he says he's not yet in love with Ashley and he wants to show her respect.  Like literally he says that TO HER.  Um.  Okay, Bro.  You're so going home, right?  Why are you even here?  He says this means that "this is the end of the road" for him.  I mean, she's pathetic in her way and all, but this is just plain awful.  You think it's more respctful to DUMP her like this?  You think it's respectful to go this far and even on this date, knowing exactly how this "fantasy suite" date would end and to have still come???

All I'm saying is that I called it.  The guy is a douche.  At least Bentley left early on.  Unless she annoyed him into panicking on this one date, I think this guy only came for the trip to Fiji.  Classy, dude.  Classy.  And, with that, they say goodbye.

And I feel bad for her cause this is her worst fear, but she seems to hold it together.  She doesn't even cry.  They've apparently drained her dry.  I'm surprised the producers revealed the dates in this order actually.  Why didn't they save the Constantine reveal until the end?

Now I'm concerned that she'll keep Ryan because he's obsessed with her and she's so damn insecure.  But … she dumps him again.  Is he the first guy to get dumped TWICE on this show??  On top of everything, she tells him she feels something much stronger for two other guys.  Ryan asks her if he'll ever find love, which is always attractive.  I'm so depressed.  This guy bums me out, for reallls.  In a talking head to camera he says, "It will happen [for me]."  He repeats it 5 times.  No joke.

JP time and once again when we need something upbeat.  Just in time.  I'm curious to see this actually because I think she likes JP the most, but maybe she's more hot for Ben F.  She says she and JP seem to feel the same way about each other — they just want to be together and not leave each other's side — "It's hard to describe."  Um.  Ashley.  I think that's called falling in love with someone.

Ashley tells JP about Ryan coming back and Constantine leaving.  She says she sent two guys home, which is totally misleading because JP probably thought she meant Constantine and Ben before she explained.  She tries to coerce him into saying he loves her, but he's not ready yet.  He says yes to the fantasy suite card — she says the suite is like their home.  She wants to play house with him.  Is her sister gonna hate him???  Is it cause he's a contractor?  A Jew?  Short?  UGH.  We're going to have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS to find out.

Anyway, she says she's most compatible with Ben F. and she can't explain how she feels about JP.  Yeah.  Good on paper vs. actual feelings.  There's a rose ceremony, but no one is going home.  JP looks murderou as Ben accepts his rose, but nothing else much to report.  I think she kept the best two guys — maybe the only viable two.

And then — WHAT??  The best news yet — "Men Tell All" is this Sunday.  And that means that the finale is in ONE WEEK NOT TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It looks like Ashley's family likes to torture her too.  CANNOT WAIT!

xo – N.

PS The outakes about Ben and Ashley's toes makes me think they're actually more cute and normal together than I thought.  Why don't they put this shit in the actual show?

PPS The show afterward that my DVR taped for like 45 seconds looks INTENSE all about morbid obesity and brain damaged kids.  EEK.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE TAKES IT HOME

By Nora Zelevansky / July 19th, 2011

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I thought I'd give us a break and use a picture of Chris Harrison instead of Ashley.  Sometimes you just need a break — know what I mean?

Anyway, the episode begins and Ashley tells us about why she likes each guy: Ben F. is "a man" and they'd have an "exciting life together" (a.k.a. he has big shoulders and vineyards); Constantine is so hot (a.k.a. he's fugly, but he doesn't like her that much and that gets her all hot and bothered); J.P. has "everything," but, even though he's basically vomitted his feelings all over her, she needs to know that he feels the same way; Ames is "unique" and she loves being around him (a.k.a. she's surprised that he's kind of amusing, but she still doesn't like him cause he's wall-eyed).

Not that it matters what I think, but Ames has grown on me a bit.  At least he's something different.

Anyway, Constantine's hometown date is first.  He talks about everything he's gained and learned during the show because, as usual, he only talks about himself.  Then he takes her to the family restaurant to make pizza.  Then they go for dinner at his parent's house.  His big fat Greek family seems nice enough and his sister is pretty, but they're cautious.  I don't know why anybody would be unsure.  Don't they know that The Bachelor franchise has like a 2 and 15 record?   If that's not proof of success, then I don't know what is.

Ashley tells Constantine's mother that she would relocate for him.  But why is that the expectation automatically?  It's weird, I think.  I thought she wanted an educated dude?  Constantine is apparently not able to make a decision without his family's consent.  And suddenly it really is a big fat Greek celebration — like a million family members come in.  And Ashley gets to dance!  Yippee!

His mother says that Constantine bringing Ashley home to meet his family "means something."  Yes.  It means that the producers told him he had to do it.

I already feel like Ames is going home, but we'll see.  Mostly because no one has ever referred to another person as "unique" this many times and still had sex with them.

But anyway Ames is from Pennsylvania.  It looks really pretty like a horse farm.  I totally thought we were headed for NYC.  I wonder if he's anywhere near where my parents live now?  Excuse me, while I start stalking Bachelorette contestants.

Anyway, we meet Ames' family and, not surprisingly, they're very articulate.  They all talk about how much he loves Thailand, which still makes me think of his solo visits and wonder if he has some weirdo fetish.  His sister is worried that Ashley doesn't feel the same spark as him and I agree.  SHOW HER THE PORSCHE, AMES!  We saw you get out of it in the beginning of the series.  She would like that!

Poor Ames' father died when he was ten-years-old.  And then his step father died after that of cancer.  Notice that he didn't milk that.  I feel badly that she isn't going to choose him.  She keeps telling his family that the relationship has moved slower with him, which I think is just laying the ground work for the later dumpage.

Ashley and Ames think they're so alike.  He confesses to having been a nerd (quelle surprise!).  I feel awful for him actually.  She says they have a real connection, but I still don't think she feels it.

Next up is Ben, who does not have a vineyard, but a winery.  Different.  But that's coool.  They drink wine, which is just smart because it's ALCOHOL.  And that helps!  It rains.  They seem awkward.  But then she starts asking questions about his father passing away and now I feel bad for him too.  Jeez.  He has only ever brought one girl home before and he seems nervous.  I think he's still not comfortable in front of the cameras maybe.

Ashley is nervous for this date because, well, Ben inadvertently put a TON of pressure on her by saying that he needs them all (his mother and sister and Ashley) to like each other.  Ben's sister seems normal, but then she also kind of has 'tude.  I can see why this wouldn't be as fun as Constantine's house, although it seems less oppressive weirdly to me.  Maybe I'd just rather live in Sonoma.  Plus, I don't want to help out at some middle-of-the-road pizza joint.  Eek.

Ben apologizes to his mom for bailing emotionally after his dad died and she seems to accept his apology, but maybe that's why he was nervous to see them.  I feel like they should have invited more people over cause this is INTENSE.  Then we find out that tomorrow is Ben's father's birthday and he talks about missing his dad and he cries a little and he seems like a little boy and I feel awful for him and so does everyone who isn't made of stone with a coal heart.

Even my husband Andre feels terrible.  He says, "Jesus, Ben F.  I'll marry you."

Fortunately, Ashley says she truly can imagine spending the rest of her life with Ben, so maybe Andrew won't need to leave me for The Wine Guy after all.

On to JP, who Andrew says will cheer us up.  And, yes, they're going rollerskating and, in no time, they're laughing and kissing.  Ashley says that all she can think about is how lucky she is to be there with him.  Um.  It seems pretty obvious once again that she likes him best.

The family is cute and sweet and funny and you have to love them because they roll out the Bar Mitzvah signing board with a picture of him that looks like Kirk Cameron.  I mean.  SHUT UP.  But they're so obsessed with how hurt he got by his ex that I'm starting to think he had a nervous breakdown or something.  The brother has a Robert Deniro mole and he's all worried about JP too.  The mom is the greatest and she's such a Jewish mother in the bestest way, worrying about whether JP is sunburned etc.  Cute stuff.

Ashley says she's smitten and everyone is happy.  For now. (Can you hear the dangerous organ music?)   Dangerous organ.  Ha.  That's funny.  Anyway …

I wish Ashley would send stupid Constantine home, but instead she sends "unique" Ames packing, which was super obvious.  Boo hiss!  Send home the lamo guy who doesn't like you, Dude!  Why do I dislike that Constantine guy, I wonder?  Maybe I see myself in him.  Cause I'm also a self-involved machismo guy with bad hair.  No.  I think he's just kind of a tool.

Of course Ames is composed and gracious even in the end.  Maybe even more so than any other dude or chick I've ever seen leave this late in the game.  Bye bye, Ames.  Sorry I made fun of you.  You're a nice guy.  And you deserve better.

Ames says a lifetime of being entertained by himself is "less enticing" than a lifetime with Ashley.  What can you do?

Sigh.  Yet another week until we get to watch again (can you say "fantasy suite"?).  As a wise woman once say, "Blurgh."

xo – N.

PS What about the coming attractions, featuring Ashley's tatted up sister, who she calls a bitch?  WHOA. Bring it on!  And are those Brad's flip-flops showing up?

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE, MADE IN TAIWAN

By Nora Zelevansky / July 12th, 2011

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Thank the lord that The Bachelorette has returned — it's been a rough couple weeks — with a special Emily interview (booooring?) at the end about why she and Brad are over.  Emily is mos def the next Bachelorette, although that's like a million years away because there has to be a Bachelor before that.

Moving on … this episode begins with Ashley explaining why she likes each guy.  Ryan makes her feel safe (a.k.a. he kisses ass), Ames is unique (euphemism city), Ben is smart and Constantine is easy on the eyes etc. etc.

Okay.  I need to pause.  Am I crazy or is this an Emperor's New Clothes situation?  That guy is NOT cute.  He's got bad hair and droopy eyes.  I don't get it.  But maybe that's just me.

Moving on.  Again.

They're in Taiwan, which looks pretty.  JP is freaking out because he just wants to be alone with Ashley.  He's not a particularly creepy dude, but if he was, I would be thinking restraining order.  He's obsessed.  Why??  No one knows.

Anyway, the remaining four guys at the end of this episode will take Ashley to their respective homes, which is exciting because I love the hometown dates, but upsetting because it means that there are only so many episodes left.  I'm panicking in advance.  How will I survive without this show?  I might have to actually leave my house!

First one-on-one is with fugly/hot guy Constantine.  She just "sees something" in him, even though the relationship has moved slow.  Yeah, Ashley.  What you see is called disinterest.  He's not that into you.  But apparently that's your favorite trait in a man.  She asks him if he's looking for love on this trip.  He says yes.  Yeah — the greatest love of all.

They arrive for a lantern festival, during which they'll make wishes.  Constantine is taking the lantern thing "seriously," so Ashley says that means that they might actually have a future together.  I think we're missing a logic step somewhere in there, but whatever.

He is all about himself.  He says he wants her to fit into his life, his family etc.  And, at dinner on their date, he asks what she likes about him.  She says that physically, he is exactly what she likes (barf) and that she likes that he holds back a little bit.  Oh Ashley.  Please book a session with Brad's therapist from last season.

Constantine likes her answer.  It's "genuine as hell" because she sees him like he wants people to see him.  OMG.  Ashley!  RED FLAG CITY!  They both say that their relationship has turned a corner.  Keep walking!

Next date is with Ben F. "The Wine Guy."  I think she should meet his family just so she can go to Sonoma, but I have a bad feeling she's sending him home.  Maybe because they keep showing him talking about how confident he is.  They moped around and he says it feels like a fairytale.  Where's a poison apple when you need one?

He's confessing his feelings for her and she's sort of quiet, which could be because she doesn't feel the same way or could be because she's not allowed to agree.  Doesn't he know that she loves guys who hate her?  Oh, but then she says she might be falling in love with him.  So I guess there's your answer.  She says it feels like he's her boyfriend — they're just really comfortable together.  Too bad he's not as hot as Constantine (gag).

Ben doesn't come home from his date until the next morning, which makes JP freak.

JP, Ames and Lucas arrive to take wedding photos with Ashley, which supposedly shows Ashley what it would be like to be married to each of them.  Um yeah.  That's a pretty clear indicator of your compatability, dressing up and taking pictures.  I notice that Lucas is balding.  Maybe it's just because I don't like him, but that seems like another strike against him.

The men have to put on these absurd Taiwanese outfits (absurd in this context).  Lucas is in a traditional gold ankle length skirt-like outfit.  Ames is in a turquoise suit and pink shirt kinda sitch.  And, for some reason, JP is in a normal tuxedo.  I sort of feel like Ashley and The Bachelorette producers are making a mockery of an actual cultural tradition, but whatever.  What else is new?

JP is grouchy and he's not even hiding it in front of Ashley.  Lucas admits he had only an "okay" time on the date because he had to wear a "dress" and he's a "traditional guy."  That means conservative and chauvinistic in this case.  Ames is kind of refreshing, even though he's weird, because at least he's different.  But he's chosen to wear red pants of his own volition during the second half of the date.  Ruh roh.

JP admits that the whole situation has made him crazy.  Ashley pretends to be concerned, but we can see in her eyes that she LOVES it.  She probably wants Ames to get another concussion.  She gives JP the rose.  DUH.  They're going to NEW YORK!  And by New York, I mean Long Island.

Ashley is wearing a backless shirt for her date with Ryan, which I have to admit, she can wear.  She looks better than usual, not like it matters with Ryan.  He's wearing pink.  Of course.

They go to a temple.  Ashley says, "Isn't this amazing?"

Ryan says, "This is."  Then he makes a fist around her hand and repeats, "THIS is."

She ain't feeling it.  Ryan is on "cloud 10."  But she is sending him homesville because there's no connection and she can't stand talking to him about meeting his family, when she knows she never will.

This is cringe city.  She dumps him, pretty gracefully actually, and then he says, "You don't want to meet my family?"  Wait — are we about to see the super cheerful facade crack?  I'm worried about this guy, truth be told.  He looks … UPSET.  Up that Prozac dosage, doc.  Again.

He stops mid-camera interview and is cursing by himself in the bushes, trying to stop from crying, I guess?  He wants to say that he wants to love someone and find the right person, but he can't quite get it out.  He wants "real love."  Someone to set my heart free.  Real Love.  Sing it, Mary J.!

At the rose ceremony, I'm thinking Lucas is going bye bye.  But we shall see.  And, yes, he is.  Bye bye.  I kind of think you were scary, even if all you want is "someone to cook breakfast with in the morning."

And now it's Emily interview time.  She still looks like Malibu Barbie, but a sad one, I guess.  She starts out crying from the very beginning.

OMG.  About Brad, she says, "We left the dot, dot, dot," which makes me know that she's watching this season and Bentley!  This show is AMAZING.  She's sad.  That's sort of all you need to know.

And then comes a genius out-take from the episode, where a dog pisses on Constantine and Ashley's love lantern.  Me too, doggy.  Me too.

And now we have to wait another week to visit wine country and strong Island.  So be it.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: THE BACHELORETTE CHIANGS HER MAI

By Nora Zelevansky / June 21st, 2011

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The show starts out with someone saying that Ashley had a hard week last week.  Does anyone else think that every week is hard, if you're Ashley?

I want to take a second out and say something that may not be PC: The Bachelorette sucks more than The Bachelor because there's just something that's WAY more pathetic about a bunch of dudes standing around talking about how much they want to get married.  I mean, it's just so emasculating and pathetic.  Any guy can get married.  What's wrong with these losers?

Moving on: In Chiang Mai, Ashley takes Ben F. "The Wine Guy" on a date and they sort of seem like they have nothing to talk about, but then Brad & Emily seemed that way last season, so … who knows?  (There's something amazing about the fact that they refer to him as Ben F. & her as Ashley H.  It's like kindergarten.  Where's the juice and cookies???)  He and Ashley aren't allowed to kiss, so he suggests a "mental kiss" at which point I decide that I am no longer allowed to favor him above the other guys because he is oozing cheese.

But then he talks about his vineyard and I'm sort of back on board … until he says he wants to spoil her and then I feel nast again.  I don't think it's that I like him.  I think it's that I like Sonoma.  He talks about his dad passing and it's sad.  But that's becoming par for the course on this show.

If you didn't see this Bachelor look-alike story, you MUST check it out.

The guys on the group date are going to Muay Thai kickbox, which is funny because The Drewser (my hubby) has been into that lately.  His take on them: "I think they're oiled up." (Said with a repulsed grimace.)  He also reports that Ames sucks, which is sort of clear, since he slips as if on a banana peel when fighting … no one.

Turns out they have to box in front of a few hundred Thai people, who seem quite ready to watch some waxed chested Americans act like idiots.  The dates on this season have been intended to torture … and not just torture us!

Round 1: The dentist wins.

Round 2: While Ashley yelps, "I don't want to see this!" and Lucas responds, "You planned the date!", JP unexpectedly wins though he is the smallest!  But more importantly he calls himself a "Jew from Long Island."  He's MOB, which no one admits on this show!  Not even Jason Mesnick!  Okay — JP is my new fave.  I have no choice.

Round 3: Ryan wins and Ames is all fucked up from it.

Round 4: Nick vs. Constantine and my money is on Nick.  Who LOSES!  Which shows you how much I know.

And Ames is off to the hospital because he doesn't feel like himself.  Oh no!  He was annoying, but the only one with a brain.  What if he's dumb now too??  They made him a moron!

BTW–My brill sister pointed me in the direction of this Bachelorette news (not a spoiler — don't worry!)

We have to wait through that weird Rachel Bilson Magnum ice cream commercial cause we're live.  In the meantime, I eat a Joan's on Third mini lemon bundt cake and I'm thinking that, if Ashley had a brain, she would just marry that.  It's SO good!

Anyway, Ames is being wheeled into the hospital when the show comes back and all I can think is that, in The Hangover II, Bradley Cooper gets stitches in Thailand for $6.

Once again, Ashley feels like things have gone awry.  The Drewser says he dares her to send Ames home now — ha!  Ames comes back.  He's alive.  Hurrah!  Ashley is soooooo glad that he's okay.  He doesn't seem okay to me.  I think he may have lost a few IQ points.  He says he has a mild concussion, which I would have totally called a "major concussion" to sound more impressive.

She asks Lucas to show her how to golf and acts all excited that he knows how, even though she has never golfed in her life.  She says he's smooth with the ladies.  But she literally walks him through it.  She gives the rose to the dentist.  He shows his pearly whites, which reminds me to floss.

Next is a two-on-one date, which means that one dude is going to go home.  It's between Ben C. & William — I feel like she'll totally send Ben home, but we'll see.  Ashley says she can relate to their stress because she was on a two-on-one with the other Ashley during her season of The Bachelor.  They're rowing her down a river.  And, I gotta say, it does look beautiful.

William says he can be the most romantic guy in the room, the funniest guy in the room or the biggest dick in the room.  Um.  We watched you during the roast. Not so sure about the "funniest" thing.  He tells Ashley that Ben C. wants to go home, which is a flat out lie.  Wooooow William.  You are the biggest asshole in the room.

And it works!  She doesn't even TALK to Ben C. about the whole thing before she sends him home.  DUMB.  Wow.  I kind of am freaked out by William.  And I think she might deserve him.

But she sends him home!  And she doesn't seem like she feels bad.  Go Ashley!  William feels like a loser.  And he is one!  He says he wants to curl up in bed and not wake up.  Um.  Now I'm depressed.  Luckily, I have chocolate goat milk ice cream to eat.

Ashley says the date made her insecure.  REALLY, ASHLEY???  How unusual.  She is in a FOUL mood maybe because of Constantine's ugly lime green shirt.

She sends Nick home.  "Who?" says Drewser.  Exactly.

And now, 400 desserts later, the show has ended and I am fatter, but also impatient for next week.  I mean, where the hell is Bentley?  They tricked us!  Foiled again.

xo – N.

 

THE LINT COLLECTOR: BENTLEY WISHES HE WAS FROM HELL [THE BACHELORETTE]

By Nora Zelevansky / June 7th, 2011

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Yup.  It's the episode we've all been waiting for since the show started … only two weeks ago?  Jeez.  It seems like years.  Anyway, it's Bentley time.

In Ashley's talking head at the start of the episode, she says: "Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet."  And then, for good humiliating measure, she adds (or they edit her in saying), "I can't believe all these guys want to date me."

But they don't.  And we already know that.  Because we saw what's "coming up" on this episode.  Ruh roh.

Anyway, Ashley goes with some guy named Ben (who is not the wine guy) on the first one-on-one date and she's really excited because she says she's created something that I don't understand at all that has to do with dancing (and she says this like we have any effing clue what she's talking about).

All we need to know: Ashley is dancing yet again and I'm starting to wonder if even she is "here for the right reasons."  What was that again about Bentley trying to further his career (ahem)?  Why do I feel like dentistry is not in her future, unless she chips something during the next season of "Dancing With The Stars"?  Yeah, you know she'll be on it.

While dancing, Ben says "she became miles more attractive to me."  A) Does that mean that he found her kind of nasty before?  B) REALLY, BEN??  What is wrong with you? C) They are totes at The Grove.

Oh, I finally understand what she was saying: "Flash Mob."  That girl needs to take a diction course.  Also, why are all her dates SO lame???  This is so unspeakably embarrassing that it makes Ed's erectile dysfunction during Jillian's season seem cool.

Ben says he wants to live in an "unrealistic, idealistic bubble," where they believe they're "more in love than anyone else."  Well, that sounds like a good foundation for a solid relationship.  This guy is bonkers.  He admits that if he was in the real world, he'd be wrestling with whether to add an emoticon to his text to her.  RED FLAG! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ;P

On the other hand, I am LOVING the organ music they're playing everytime the masked man shows up!  PS Why are there flowers embossed on that thing?  Could he have picked a weirder mask?  Do you think it smells after all these days?  He draws out revealing himself like nobody's business blah, blah.  And when he does, he basically looks exactly the same as you expect and says (without irony or even a smile), "Hi.  I'm Jeff."

HA!!!!  That is the best thing ever.  You can't make this shit up.  What a weirdo.  Ashley says he looks older than she thought.  Well, that backfired. :p

Then, suddenly, Jeffrey Ross is on my TV and I'm wondering what the hell he is doing on The Bachelorette.  Apparently, this episode is all about making Ashley feel like crap because, not only did she dance like an idiot at an outdoor mall and is she getting dumped by Bentley later, but also the guys are being instructed to insult her.

But I'm sure it will go well because her self-esteem is so good.

See?  Bentley wants us to think he's the devil, but it's really the producers who are chilling in hell.  The guy with 700 graduate degrees says that this is the most traumatic thing that he has ever had to do.  I guess his Porsche can't help him now.

Meanwhile, William believes that this is his big break as a comedian.  I don't think this is going to go well for him.  He's willing to make Ashley cry to impress Jeffrey Ross, which I half respect, except is ANYONE on this show not BLATANTLY trying to make it in Hollywood?  Maybe only Bentley.  Oh, the irony.  Anyway, they could hide it at least.

The reoccurring jokes seem to be about Ashley's small boobs and the fact that she got dumped by Brad.  Oh, yeah.  She thinks this is HILARIOUS.

She's excited to hear William because they "actually know each other."  After all, she "spent a whole day with him."  She literally looks like she's going to cry when he says that he would rather date Emily or Chantal (who did have bigger boobs BTW).  Even Bentley thinks he's a jerk.  He gets booed.

And then she cries.  And it's pretty sad.  Bentley pretends in V.O. that he goes to talk to her to "screw with her head," but he's really just comforting her.  Way to punish her with hugs.  At this point, I just think he's trying too hard to seem "evil."  It bores me.  I don't even buy it.

At the post party, she admits to all the guys at once that she's very insecure and was worried that they would all turn back around when they got out of the limo that first day.

BTW–You know what's NOT hot?  Naked insecurity.

Oh no.  And now William is crying too.  And he says he should go home.  Does he WANT to go home?  And he tells her to go talk to the other guys to cheer her spirits.  Um.  Really?  He walks out and starts wandering Hollywood Boulevard at night.  That's not a very good idea and really not a nice place to walk.  He sits at a bus stop and I feel like he should move because it's probably some crazy homeless person's bed.

Some guy named Ryan cheers Ashley up by telling her that he hoped it would be her on the show.  I have no idea who he is, though I know I've seen him before, but what else is new?

J.P. gets the second one-on-one date.  His date card says, "There's no place like home."  None of the guys can figure out what that means.  Maybe it means that you're going to hang out at her home?  Just guessing.

And then there's a twist!  Ashley tells Bentley that she was "contacted" about him before the show started and heard bad things.  Why do I feel like she's talking about her alien abduction?  OKAY. SHUT UP.  Bentley says that this probably coming from Michelle Money, who knows his ex-wife.

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Remember her????  How crazy pants was she???  YAY!  I LOVE this franchise.  I mean, it is so genius and idiotic!  I feel like they're just talking about pretend people, but they're NOT!  They're talking about real people named "Money"!

Anyway … Ashley says that if Bentley left she would be sadder than she was with Brad.  She says she believes everything he said.  Which, by the way, was NOTHING.  Bentley says he wants to leave, but he's afraid it's "going to hurt her a little bit."  Oh.  You're so baaaad.  Ashley says she's in love.

Bentley packs his shit to go.  He tells the guys he's leaving cause of his daughter and then he calls them "stupid" for believing him.  Um, yeah, they believed you because they have absolutely no reason not to.  What skill is there in that?  No one thinks you're lying cause there's no upside to lying and then telling the truth to camera!  Why is he acting like he pulled something off?  He got nothing out of this.  Kudos, you idiot.

Anyway, he actually seems super nervous to tell Ashley he's leaving, which just proves my point that he's only fake mean.  That's even lamer than if he was really evil.  He keeps hugging her and wiping the hair from her face.  SO MEAN!  Don't get me wrong.  The guys is a douche.  But he's so not a real villain.  I almost think he started to like her a little bit and was afraid of what his friends at home would say.

She cries again.  And he totally cries because he misses his daughter, which he pretends he's doing on purpose in the V.O.  Sorry, Charlie.  You're not that good an actor.  I ain't buying it. 🙁 🙁 🙁

He says even if he's not coming back, he wants to keep the "dot dot dot there," so their "chapter" won't end.  With absurd drama in her voice, Ashley repeats "dot, dot, dot."  It's called an "ellipsis" people!

Anyway, he leaves, she cries and then, when her JP date starts (yes, at home), she's mellow and sort of grumpy.  And, you know what?  I think I like her better this way.  Stop trying so hard, woman!  When you stop trying, you're actually more tolerable.  She puts on glasses.  Dude, she so doesn't care what any of these other guys think anymore — at least for a few hours.  Two words: Friend. Vibe.

She says there's something about J.P.'s kisses.  Maybe it's the wine?  "J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department," she says.  Good for you, Ashley!

Rose ceremony: Chris Harrison is trying to basically talk Ashley out of caring about Bentley.  She admits that maybe Bentley was a fraud.  She says, "It's hard cause it all ended with a dot, dot, dot."  Chris says, "That's such a guy thing to say."  He says if Bentley actually liked her, he would have fought for her.

But she is too busy with her pity party to even notice.  She keeps saying, "He was my guy!"  You know when someone keeps repeating the same language that way, she's just all involved in the movie of her own life.

No cocktail party.  She addresses her insecurity AGAIN, explaining it AGAIN.  We get it, dude.  UUUUUGH.

And it happened!  It happened!  It's the 3rd episode and I just saw some blonde guy with short hair who I have NEVER seen before!  I mean, NEVER.  It's inevitable!  WHO IS THAT GUY?  His name is Lucas.  Who is Lucas?

Ultimately, she sends home the masked man and some other dude who looks vaguely familiar, who does a great job of holding it together.  Bravo.  And bye bye, masked man!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR: ASHLEY & HER ABS, SITTING IN A TREE

By Nora Zelevansky / May 31st, 2011

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Ashley poses like the spazz she is …

As usual, the show begins with Chris Harrison and a date card.  All the men want the one-on-one, including the masked man (who shall here-on-in be dubbed "The Lone Loser").  He says, "I'd love a date with Ashley.  I think she's beautiful."  Whoa there, Tonto.  Aren't looks not supposed to matter to you?  Isn't your whole "thing" that people are too superficial?  Isn't that why you're the douche bag in a MASK?

Anyway … she chooses William, who is a less hot Josh Lucas and they're off to Vegas via (surprise!) private plane.  They have the weirdest, most twisted date ever, where they like simulate a wedding.  She makes him say "I do" and then she laughs at him basically.  Whatever.  They kiss.  She says she likes him.  Turns out that they both have alcoholic fathers and William's died.  What a strange coincidence.  It's almost like someone planned it that way.

All is confessed in the middle of The Bellagio's fountain, not to, like, attract attention or anything.  He gets the rose.  Blah, blah, blah.

Group date time: Everyone is off to Vegas.  We've all seen the scenes, so we know that they'll be traveling the whole time.  Instead of gambling or something actually fun though, they have to watch her dance and then dance with her.

Really, Ashley?  That's how you're going to pick your husband?  I'm not sure you want to marry a guy whose at home in a sparkly costume on a Vegas stage.  Just saying.

Most importantly, Ashley gets to show off her abs, which are admittedly impressive.  She should just marry her own abs.  The guys separate into troops to dance to some sort of hip hop-type sitch.  They look like fools.  There's really nothing else to say.  It's all very very white.  Seriously.  I'm a little embarrassed to be caucasian.

Anyway, Ashley wants to treat the "after party" like a one-on-one with each dude.  West wants to tell her that his wife died.  (P.S. There are some shady whisperings about a shared drug problem and a potential overdose or something that caused her death?  Chime in, if you know more.)  She seems sorta interested, but weirdly not as emotional as about William's father.

Bentley gets bleeped talking to camera about how Ashley has "an amazing butt and rockin' legs and having her tickle my *butt hole* would be amazing."  Charming.  Chaaaaarming.  (And, yes, I rewound three times, until I could read his lips.)  He says she's not his type, but he's competitive.  And she gives him the rose.  Because his butt hole is convincing, I guess.

The chef Mickey wins the next one-on-one on a coin toss.  (I have never seen him before.)  They flip a coin for EVERYTHING going forward on the date.  ANNOYING.  It's weird cause this guy is good looking, but he also sort of resembles Marcel from Top Chef.

Lo and behold, his mother died too.  Do these producers have NO shame at all???  And it's awkward two person concert time.  Oh jeez.  I'll spare you the details.

Then, it's cocktail party and rose ceremony time.  Ashley makes out with JP (the bald guy).  The Lone Loser explains that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29-years-old, which affected his short term memory.  Is that also why he has no sense of humor?

And Bentley has GOT to be pretending to be a bigger asshole than he would normally be.  I mean, give me a break.  He so obviously planned this whole thing with his moronic, date rapist frat brothers.  I don't even feel like he's pulling it off.  He seems awkward about it (which he should BTW cause he has a KID).  His daughter is going to be sooooooo proud of him one day.

Anyway, I shouldn't even waste breath on him, but he says kissing Ashley is boring.  He's worse than Wes with Jillian, however many seasons ago.  She says she's falling for him and squeezes his face like she's his 80-year-old aunt.  It's sort of painful.  He's not even cute.  And what is he proving?  That he can prey on some helpless pathetic girl by pretending to be nice?  It's really putting a damper on my hating on her.  I actually feel bad for the girl.

Some guys get sent home, but no one I really recognize.  One guy who gets voted off calls his mom and asks her to make him French toast.  Yum.  French toast.  And, with that, we chill 'til the next episode …

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK’S WOMEN!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 11th, 2011

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It's a really sad commentary that, lately, I seem to only update Pocket Lint when there's a Bachelor episode to chat about.

OH WELL!

Tonight, Chris Harrison gave out the first "date card" and had to drop it on the coffee table and run because the girls looked like they might bite him.  Two words: Rabid. Dogs.

There are too many Ashleys and it's too early in the season for me to bother figuring out the difference.  But one of them gets the first one-on-one date.  She's all creeped out walking with him in the pitch dark, but then the lights come on and it turns out that they're at a carnival.  She apparently feels better, but now I'm creeped out cause I have to watch them pretend to run around with abandon "like kids."

And it's the first make out session.  Good job, Brad!  Don't waste any time!  Remember how much the time between your Bachelor session sucked?

Are they drunk?  They seem drunk.

Who cares?  Cause Brad has an absent dad; Ashley has a homeless dad.  He says they have the same problems.  But, Brad, your dad used to take you shopping sometimes.  It's not the same really unless he took you to sift through garbage bins.  But it doesn't matter.  Brad thinks he and Ashley are the kindred.  It's LOVE!  Show over.

Nooooo … Just kidding.  He says that he thinks he's on his way to finding his wife, but I think it's more like he thinks he just made out with someone on a ferris wheel.

Next up, group date.  What can I say?  Brad has to make an announcement because he has like a football team plus some bench warmers worth of women instead of just a few.  They're shooting PSAs for The American Red Cross.  Really?  The Red Cross is going to AIR these?

Michelle is super bitter about her 30th birthday today and says that women are "intimidated" by her (a.k.a. she's a beeatch).

The girls are assigned different characters.  Keltie is playing "a butch with a neck brace."  A "butch"?  Really Red Cross?  That seems OKAY to you as a descriptor???!!

But that is the least of the problem.  Let's just say that things get skanky and some people show their crazy (Ahem, Melissa).  She's crazy pants and has wanted to be on The Bachelor for 8 years.  Wow.  How fortunate that she finally got on the show and the bachelor happens to be "the one" for her.

Meanwhile, Michelle is like that girl who tried to trick Jake by saying he couldn't kiss her.  She wants to peel Brad's layers away.  I want to peel my skin off.  But she still gets the rose because, well duh, it's her birthday.  She's pretty, but, I think, not long for this show.

Then, there's the "Pretty Woman" date with Jackie.  Oh, now that's a date I can get behind.  Sans Brad.  But with the production's cash.  Except I thought that she was going shopping.  She's not.  How is that "Pretty Woman"?  Maybe she's a whore, who doesn't kiss.

And, cut to the southern blonde, who of course makes us cry again as she talks to her daughter.  Weepy, weepy time.

Back to the date!  Brad thinks Jackie is "classy."  By that I think he means "brunette."  Uh oh.  We're in for one of those really awkward performances, where some band plays for just the two of them.  Ruh roh.  Jackie has only dated two people.  She's weird.  Case closed.  Will you accept this ticket home?  Okay, fine.  Take the damn rose.

Here comes the dreaded music and now they have to dance.  I know that I'm not so up on music.  But who is Train?  Are you sure that's not Counting Crows?

Then, it's the cocktail party.  Oops, Brad.  You shouldn't have given Michelle a rose.  She's clearly INSANE.  She drags him away to ask about Starbucks vs. Coffee Bean and what's kept in his fridge.  Apparently, they both don't eat carbs ("turkey, eggs").  WOW.  It's fate!  Or they have the same trainer.

Melissa is fighting with Rachel again, whoever that is.  And then Ali and Roberto show up to help Brad make a decision and I'm ashamed to say that I'm actually excited to see them.  They're cute.  Her bangs are not.

But they do help Brad and he says good riddance to bad rubbish.  Bye, bye Melissa and Rachel, who both whine a lot.  And then to Keltie, who has a terrible name, but who you just have to feel bad for once she starts crying about how she's tried every other kind of dating and failed.

She's "sticking to kicking" (as a rockette).  And I'm excited for next week, when I have a feeling that Michelle will officially flip out.

xo – N.