By Nora Zelevansky / August 2nd, 2011

Screen shot 2011-08-01 at 11.25.34 PM

Sadly, this will have to be a super short post because I somehow injured one of my typing hands.

But I would like to begin by saying that Ashley's sister is a hater.  She goes off after like two seconds about how JP isn't the one.  First of all, she keeps calling him old — an elderly 34.  Then, she decides that he's not wacky or fun enough for her sister.

Um.  Newsflash.  Ashley is not fun.  She likes to flash mob and cry.

Also, JP isn't funny enough?  He just made your asses love like 5 times.

I love how the sister keeps talking about how she makes rational decisions and that Ashley is irrational, which is so insulting — and Ashley doesn't even notice.  If you don't have faith at all in Ashley's instincts then how do you propose she makes a decision?  The best part: We then find out that she's divorced.

Anyway, she hates JP and loves Ben and Ashley is too dumb to realize that her sister is a pathetic attention whore, so — even though she CRIES and says she's heartbroken — she seems to listen to her!  It's so obvious that Ashley actually likes JP best, but feels like she SHOULD pick Ben.

Why isn't anyone telling her that sometimes the guy you fit with best isn't necessarily your obvious type?  How can she not tell that her sister is miserable and jealous?  No matter which guy went first, she would have unleashed on him.  I feel sure of it.

Anyway — after the family visits, she takes a mud bath with Ben.  Um.  TMI moment.  Then he tells her he loves her.

JP date — she's clearly done a 180.  Her sister told her that her life with the "old" guy would be boring and dull and she's a stupid ass and believes it.  Even though he's a much less uptight more generous person than Ben — it's obvious.  But she's going to make decisions based on what her sister thinks and it won't work out.  But then JP says he's madly in love and gave her a book, so who knows?

I have to say — two things that make this season stand out — first, that she doesn't express any weirdness at all about making out with all these dudes.  Usually, the women are a little more restrained.  Second, I sort of don't know who she is going to pick 100% for once.

And then … it's Ben she's dumping.  And this is rough.  JP has been a neurotic Jew the whole time and worried that she'll dump him.  Ben has NO idea.  He's getting completely blind-sided.  He's crying about his dad.  She tries to tell him, but then he shushes her and gets down on one knee.  It's AWWWWWFUL.  And he does not wait around to act gracious.  He just walks the fuck out.  Totally shows his true colors.  He's like, "You can't leave something like this on good terms" and "Good things don't end unless they end badly."  NEGATIVO.  No matter what she did to JP, he would not have reacted this way.  I'm positive.

I'm kind of liking the pissed side of Ben.  But it's like a 180.  I bet she never even knew he had a temper.  Ben says he thinks that JP was the safe bet and that's why Ashley chose him.  He's wrong.  He was actually the safe choice.

Okay — this didn't end up being short.  I'm a sick puppy, literally enduring pain to express my Bachelorette opinion.  Anyway, it's JP proposal time and I so think they might be one of the couples that actually lasts.  And he loves her and she loves him and he FINALLY proposes and then they stand around all awkwardly and then they do a montage to (YES, THEY WENT FOR IT!) REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling."  Which is a little upsetting — does this mean that I won't ever be able to hear that song without thinking of The Bachelorette again?

Now comes "After The Final Rose" and we find out that Ben is now sleeping with Ashley's sister.  JUST KIDDING!  But how great would that be?  He still seems pissed, but he denies it.  I love when someone gets dumped and then shows their true colors.  He's super pissy.  And why did they STRAIGHTEN his hair?  Eeks.

Anyway — JP & Ashley are totally in looooove.  Her sister is still a beeatch, even though she pretends to repent.  Her sister references holidays together — Thanksgivings, Christmases.  Ashley adds, "Chanukah!"  I like that, Ashley!  Score one for the tribe.

BTW–Chris Harrison's hair is so dark, long and curly, right?

Anyway, that's all they wrote.  And no announcement about the next Bachelor.  Now what?  How will we spend our time?

xo – N.