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THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK GETS HIS WOMAN, BUT WE DON’T GET OURS

By Nora Zelevansky / March 15th, 2011

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This was supposed to be a joyous post, full of cheers and jeers (a few!) and toasts to a lifetime of bliss for Brad & Emily.

Wait, who?  They're so last week.  Now we know the outcome, so they're immediately relegated to yesterday's news, replaced by some equally stupid racist girl at UCLA.  Or maybe she's even dumber than them cause she actually FILMED herself saying hateful things and knowingly shared it.  That begs the question: Has it gotten easier to get into college?  Two words: IN. STATE.

Anyway, instead of posting about Emily's yellow hair, Brad's twin (better looking?) or even issuing a challenge to anyone who can tell me exacty how many picnics the couple enjoyed over the duration of the show (I count at least 5!  What's wrong with eating indoors?), I need to take a moment and mourn the fact that super annoying Ashley H. is now going to be the next Bachelorertte.

Even I – a dedicated Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise fan – am not sure that I can endure her spunky ass for an entire season!  What were they thinking?  Alas, I would have preferred Chantal, but they never choose the first runner-up.  It's always the third or fourth to last, who gets the crown as the next contestant.

Oh well.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with three deep thoughts from my viewing party:

1. Why is Chantal dressed like the black swan, if the swan moved to Texas and put on too much makeup?  The only thing more humiliating than getting dumped on national TV is getting dumped with your hair like that, while dressed like a sausage in hideous dress.

2. When Emily talks about potentially getting dumped by Brad, she says, "This is either going to be the best or the worst day of my life."  At which time, my friend P. wondered out loud, "Really Emily?  The WORST day of your life?"  I mean, we've heard that story about the rainy morning enough times to beg to differ.

3. The Drewser wondered, what happens when they all go to heaven and Ricky is there?  Who will Emily choose then?

Maybe they have their own version of the show up there in the clouds.

That would explain why the world seems to be falling apart right now from Japan to Libya to Wisconsin.  Clearly, the powers that be (whoever they are) are distracted.  And who can blame them?  I am too.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK’S WOMEN TELL ALL

By Nora Zelevansky / March 8th, 2011

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Reunion specials are by definition booooring, so – with that in mind – here are the most interesting things I learned on this week's Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  I watched it, so that you don't have to.  You're welcome:

1. Chris Harrison's hair grew.

2. The girls all thought Michelle was awesome before the show aired?

3. Ashley H. looks like a totally different person as a brunette.

4. Michelle is not psyched to be cast as villain.  She needs to see Brad's therapist.

5. I think she's been getting hate mail.

6. Chris Harrison does NOT like the women calling Michelle a "bad mom."

7. This Jackie girl has tons to say.  Does anyone even remember her on the show?

8. Michelle straddled Brad with her daughter's needs in mind.

9. Ashley H. DOES in fact regret pushing Brad away, as we expected.  Oops.

10. Ashley H. REALLY needs Brad's therapist.

11. Um.  What was that weird low voice she just used?  SPAZZZ.

12. Brad's "significant other" is out there watching and didn't want him to be too happy to see the other girls.  I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS!!  I think I want it to be Emily, but I'm feeling like it's Chantel O.  Is he really falling more in love with her every day?

13.  Brad's twin is definitely showing up on the final episode!

One more week, LINTERS!

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WHATEVER WOMACK WANTS …

By Nora Zelevansky / January 25th, 2011

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Andre and I have made a decision: If ever WE were on the show (which admittedly is not very likely because A) We've already aged out, B) We're currently married to each other and don't want sister wives or brother husbands, C) We don't work out enough and D) We're not INSANE), we would lie.

When inevitably asked, "What are your greatest fears and phobias?", I would reply, "Why spas, Chinese food, sushi and (cringe) romantic comedies, of course!"  That way maybe they would send me to face those awful fears instead of making me swim with eels or something.

On this episode, the producers sent a girl yet again to face her greatest fear.  In this case, Chantal O. was forced to walk the ocean floor near Catalina Island.  I'd fear that too.  The Pacific Ocean is fucking freezing.  But Chantal O. was specifically afraid of "going to the bottom and never coming up."  That's also known as "drowning," Chantal, for future reference, if ever you want to use shorthand.

Anyway … at least they didn't send her to relive her husband's death in a small airplane like they did with Emily last episode.  Chantal apologizes for smacking Brad when they met.  Brad accepts that apology.  I don't.  That was annoying.  But she gets a rose.

Then there's a group date.  Does anyone else totally hate the group dates?  For one thing, four out of nine of these girls JUST arrived on the show.  I'm positive I have never seen them before.

But, for interest's sake, at least Allie or Stacey or some other random girl admits to cheating on a previous boyfriend on Love Lines with Dr. Drew.  As Andre said, somewhere that guy who she cheated on is like, "YUP. Bitch."

Brad says that Dr. Drew sent all the girls into a tizzy and he "loves it," but he looks more like he wants to RUN.  And he should run.  Maybe from Ashley H., who I guess is pissing the other girls off by complaining all the time, but making Brad like her by threatening to back out.

Britt and Brad make out and he says, "I like you Britt," which sounds more like, "That was a really bad kiss, Britt.  Maybe you should have skipped the onions."  But I think it actually meant, "You're cute, but that's about it."

But ruh roh.  Ashley H. went one step too far with her nay saying and lost the rose!  Oops.  Britt gets it!

Now, it's time for Michelle's date.  She woke up with a black eye.  That makes her seem even more insane than she already does.  She literally doesn't know how she got it.  She's out of her gourd.  Brad wants to talk to Ashley H. before his one-on-one date.  Michelle is mad.  I don't think you want to make Michelle mad.  Especially if there's a knife around.  Don't take her to a steak house, Brad!

No steak house though.  Cause Michelle isn't afraid of red wine reduction sauces and potatoes au gratin.  She's afraid of heights.  So, naturally they're repelling down a skyscraper.  Actually, it looks TERRIFYING.  Of course, they feel the need to kiss in mid-air.  Could anything be more AWK?

Anyway, does anyone NOT get a rose on this show?  Brad hasn't sent a single person home on a one-on-one date.  He says he can see a "day to day life with Michelle."  I think what he means is, "I can see giving this crazy chick a hot beef injection."

But I think my favorite part of this episode is when Brad's therapist encourages him to get it on with all the girls or, ahem, "explore them deeply."  Brad's THERAPIST is pervy!  I still can't believe that he's a part of this show.

Cocktail party time: Brad makes a picnic for Emily, who I think may be too good for him and may not actually like him that much.  All the other girls cry blah, blah, blah.  My money is kind of on Chantal O. right now.

Then, it's the rose ceremony.  Now Brad is just making up names!  Since when is there a Marissa on this show?  And mostly he votes off the girls I've never seen before, so it's not THAT sad.

Although it's getting good and it's a little sad that we need to wait a whole 'nother week for the next episode.  Oh well.   On to House & Castle.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK’S WOMEN!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 11th, 2011

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It's a really sad commentary that, lately, I seem to only update Pocket Lint when there's a Bachelor episode to chat about.

OH WELL!

Tonight, Chris Harrison gave out the first "date card" and had to drop it on the coffee table and run because the girls looked like they might bite him.  Two words: Rabid. Dogs.

There are too many Ashleys and it's too early in the season for me to bother figuring out the difference.  But one of them gets the first one-on-one date.  She's all creeped out walking with him in the pitch dark, but then the lights come on and it turns out that they're at a carnival.  She apparently feels better, but now I'm creeped out cause I have to watch them pretend to run around with abandon "like kids."

And it's the first make out session.  Good job, Brad!  Don't waste any time!  Remember how much the time between your Bachelor session sucked?

Are they drunk?  They seem drunk.

Who cares?  Cause Brad has an absent dad; Ashley has a homeless dad.  He says they have the same problems.  But, Brad, your dad used to take you shopping sometimes.  It's not the same really unless he took you to sift through garbage bins.  But it doesn't matter.  Brad thinks he and Ashley are the kindred.  It's LOVE!  Show over.

Nooooo … Just kidding.  He says that he thinks he's on his way to finding his wife, but I think it's more like he thinks he just made out with someone on a ferris wheel.

Next up, group date.  What can I say?  Brad has to make an announcement because he has like a football team plus some bench warmers worth of women instead of just a few.  They're shooting PSAs for The American Red Cross.  Really?  The Red Cross is going to AIR these?

Michelle is super bitter about her 30th birthday today and says that women are "intimidated" by her (a.k.a. she's a beeatch).

The girls are assigned different characters.  Keltie is playing "a butch with a neck brace."  A "butch"?  Really Red Cross?  That seems OKAY to you as a descriptor???!!

But that is the least of the problem.  Let's just say that things get skanky and some people show their crazy (Ahem, Melissa).  She's crazy pants and has wanted to be on The Bachelor for 8 years.  Wow.  How fortunate that she finally got on the show and the bachelor happens to be "the one" for her.

Meanwhile, Michelle is like that girl who tried to trick Jake by saying he couldn't kiss her.  She wants to peel Brad's layers away.  I want to peel my skin off.  But she still gets the rose because, well duh, it's her birthday.  She's pretty, but, I think, not long for this show.

Then, there's the "Pretty Woman" date with Jackie.  Oh, now that's a date I can get behind.  Sans Brad.  But with the production's cash.  Except I thought that she was going shopping.  She's not.  How is that "Pretty Woman"?  Maybe she's a whore, who doesn't kiss.

And, cut to the southern blonde, who of course makes us cry again as she talks to her daughter.  Weepy, weepy time.

Back to the date!  Brad thinks Jackie is "classy."  By that I think he means "brunette."  Uh oh.  We're in for one of those really awkward performances, where some band plays for just the two of them.  Ruh roh.  Jackie has only dated two people.  She's weird.  Case closed.  Will you accept this ticket home?  Okay, fine.  Take the damn rose.

Here comes the dreaded music and now they have to dance.  I know that I'm not so up on music.  But who is Train?  Are you sure that's not Counting Crows?

Then, it's the cocktail party.  Oops, Brad.  You shouldn't have given Michelle a rose.  She's clearly INSANE.  She drags him away to ask about Starbucks vs. Coffee Bean and what's kept in his fridge.  Apparently, they both don't eat carbs ("turkey, eggs").  WOW.  It's fate!  Or they have the same trainer.

Melissa is fighting with Rachel again, whoever that is.  And then Ali and Roberto show up to help Brad make a decision and I'm ashamed to say that I'm actually excited to see them.  They're cute.  Her bangs are not.

But they do help Brad and he says good riddance to bad rubbish.  Bye, bye Melissa and Rachel, who both whine a lot.  And then to Keltie, who has a terrible name, but who you just have to feel bad for once she starts crying about how she's tried every other kind of dating and failed.

She's "sticking to kicking" (as a rockette).  And I'm excited for next week, when I have a feeling that Michelle will officially flip out.

xo – N.

THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: WOMACK ATTACK!

By Nora Zelevansky / January 4th, 2011

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[Supposedly, this is NOT a statue from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, but I think anyone with eyes would say different.  Blink, wax Brad!  Blink!  I dare you!]

Oh, jeez.  Where to begin?  I guess at the beginning: The season premiere of The Bachelor is always momentous and this year is particularly significant as this is the first season where an old failed bachelor returns to try to fall in love … again.

And, doing us proud as always, the show manages – within the first three minutes – to set at least the psychiatric world back a good millenium or so.  Apparently patient/doctor confidentiality must be waved if you want to find love … again.  Seriously, how did they find a therapist with so little integrity?

Just kidding.  I'm sure that therapist is totally there "for the right reasons."

But before that, Chris Harrison opens up with, "This is already one of the most shocking seasons ever!"  Already?

Flash back to three years ago, when Brad first rejected DeAnna.  Some people were mad at Brad about that, but I sort of enjoyed that moment.  Not because I'm evil (mostly), but because I loved his panic attack.  It was so REAL!  He fully flipped out on national TV.  But why do I think I am going to see this flashback about 450 more times over the next three months until I am able to reenact it with my cats?

I started watching The Bachelor religiously during Brad's first season though, so I am partial to him, I have to admit.

Anyway, it turns out that Brad blames himself for his indecision on his last Bachelor season.  And his dad.  Who wasn't around.  Poor Brad!  (Kudos, producers.  I already feel bad for the guy!)

Then Brad's therapist advises us that he's open to finding love.  Presumably, this "doctor" thinks that going on a reality show is a FABULOUS solution for someone who is afraid of commitment, has panic attacks and already humiliated himself once.

Brad agrees.  At least, he seems to agree, if that's what shirtless push-ups mean.

Then we meet the women.  Apparently, the producers have decided to torture Brad with some sadistic chicks from funeral directors to dentists to men's waxers and vampires.  Has nobody seen Little Shop of Horrors?  This could end badly.

The other women are all mourning someone and, christ, now I'm crying too cause blonde Emily's race car driver husband died and then she found out she was pregnant.  These sad stories should keep the ladies on for at least a few episodes.  (Plus, they happen to be among the prettier ladies).  Please tell me that – no matter what – I will never see Emily on Bachelor Pad, sleeping in a bunk bed above Wes.  I need to believe she's not gross.

Meanwhile, why do the girls in the limo keep stressing that the bachelor's identity is "a mystery."  Isn't he always?  It's making me think they actually do know in advance.  I have a theory that the women vote on thier top three picks maybe.

And, wait, wait, here's DeAnna and Jenny (Jinny?), who want apologies after seven hundred years because Brad rejected them.  But wasn't it normal for him to reject Jinny because he chose DeAnna (even though he ultimately bailed)?  And isn't DeAnna engaged to a twin of some ex-contestant?

OMG!  They're grilling him (cause after 3 years of no contact, they totally know all about him and his life).  Brad is fucking with his tie again.  I think he's going to have another panic attack.  Is he sweating?  Visions of the finale of his last season!  He says that he is shaking!  Someone get this poor sap a Clonopin!  Give him a hug or something!!!  He looks like he's freaking out.  What kind of hack therapist let this guy go on this show????  I think he's going to need to be institutionalized after this.  I am so stressed out.

Anyway, now Brad meets the girls and all I can think is, "Which of these girls is going to get wasted and humiliate herself?"  But sadly none.  Fang girl comes closest.  Why are all the women dressed for the prom?

Okay, now I am feeling protective of this guy.  Even The Drewser says he feels bad for Brad (there's a man's perspective for you).  They're all smakcing him and bitching at him!  Finally, one woman won't hate on him, she says.  She is like Tenley's doppleganger.  Ugh and the next girls' red shoes make me want to cry.  My eyes!  My eyes!  What are they doing to this dude?

Then a caption says that the vampire girl is a "model"?  For what?  Strait jackets?

There's also a Rockette on speed named Keltie.  Keltie?  Her parents couldn't choose between Kelly and Katie?  So many of these women look like men in drag.

Hey, something just occurred to me.  Do you think Brad literally couldn't get a date anymore after the show's debacle and he HAD to go back on TV, just to get laid?  Maybe his bar is in trouble and he needs publicity?

ANYWAY, as Chris Harrison says, "Brad, you got some splainin' to do!"  Well, maybe Chris didn't say exactly that.  But off to the cocktail party and rose ceremony.

I'm wondering at first if Brad is going to become that guy who leads off every conversation with "Well, my therapist says …"

But, then, the women keep bringing his past up. Is it me?  Or is it a little presumptuous to have this whole conversation about commitment when like 10 women are getting sent home in a couple hours?  Like, why would any guy want to keep all these pains in the ass around?  Send them all home, Brad!

FINALLY, some girl with a damn brain – Ashley S. – decides to let him off the hook.  Guess who is NOT going home tonight?  DUH.

Oh no.  Singing.  ACK.  Jackie, STOP!!!  I don't know you, but stop.  Save yourself now!  My ears! My ears!  Save me!

And, then, my favorite quote of the night comes from a sad girl in a blue dress, who keeps getting her time usurped: "I have a great sense of humor.  As you can see, I'm not wearing shoes."

Then, it's the rose ceremony.  One girl cries that she gave 110 percent.  To what, no one knows.  The last three hours?  Curling her hair?  Ten teary girls go home, as Brad stuck with the relative hotties per usual, and we're off to another season of The Bachelor.

Now, if only "Keltie" would change her name.  Maybe I could stop gagging.

xo – N.

LA (AND BEYOND): THE NEXT BACHELOR ANNOUNCEMENT???

By Nora Zelevansky / September 22nd, 2010

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Um.  What year is it?  Do I have amnesia?  Have I never seen an iPad, tweeted or watched an episode of Bachelor Pad?  Is George Bush president?  Did the flux capacitor on the DeLorean time machine work?

IS THIS OR IS THIS NOT 2007?

Because I just saw an announcement for the newest Bachelor and it SEEMS to be Brad Womack, who famously picked NO ONE on his 2007 season, after having a psychotic meltdown about giving Deanna a basically pretend engagement ring.

Well, apparently, now that Deanna is now happily engaged, it's safe for Brad to reemerge from the depths of one of his Austin bars and try to pretend he's capable of having a make believe relationship again.  Lots of rumors circulated after his last season about him being gay or just repressed and incapable of making a commitment.

What happens if you go on the Bachelor twice and pick no one both times?  Do you get beheaded?  SHOULD you get beheaded?

Well, Brad.  Let's hope you've got it a little more together this time.  FYI–Just getting blond highlights doesn't quite effectively signal deep personal growth.

xo – N.