Blog

Navigation

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Chooses His Bachelorette

By Nora Zelevansky / March 12th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-03-13 at 12.19.24 AM

You guys hardly need a recap of the most predictable Bachelor finale in history (Thanks for NOTHING, US Weekly), ultimately starring the two biggest narcissists on planet Mars.

But no season is complete without a few closing thoughts.  At the very least, we must acknowledge this episode's most brilliant and traumatic moments, not the least of which was Ashley Hebert's reappearance. (I hate to hate on her because it's such low hanging fruit, but ohmylord was she always that annoyingly perky?  How does JP stand her?  And when did she get so skinny?)

ANYWAY … Top Ten highlights in no particular order:

1. It's never fun to get dumped.  But you know what's worse than that?  Getting dumped on national television while inexplicably wearing a green velvet cape.  (I think that may be even worse than getting dumped via text—one last time, people: "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you!")  Poor Lindzi.  She never even gets her moment to pepper Ben with questions, answered with unsatisfactory grunts.  I'm sure she's walking around wondering why men always disappoint her.  If I had her number, I'd call her up and offer this advice, "This might not happen if you stopped dating douche bags."

2. When Courtney emerged from the helicopter wearing leather gloves with her gown, did anyone else wonder for a moment if she planned to strangle Ben, if he chose someone else?

3. When Ben's sister, donning a few super strategically styled snow bunny get-ups, confirmed that Courtney was really "honest" about her experience with the other women in the house.

4. When Ben's mother tried not to stare at the volcanic zit on poor Lindzi's chin, as they talked about "opening up" to Ben.

5. When Courtney was filmed "just waking up" in a cotton teddy that no one has EVER worn to sleep alone.

6. When Lindzi apologized to Ben for taking a while to open up emotionally and Ben told her (in his ever condescending tone) that he knew she'd eventually "get there."  Really?  Instead of being gratious, you're going to suggest that she's just not as developed as you?

Then, when Ben dumps Lindzi at the altar (hypocritically "pulling an Ashley" with a misleading confession of love before breaking the "bad" news) and she says she feels mad at herself because she couldn't be what he needed, he doesn't even have the grace to mutter, "It's not your fault."  Zero class, that guy.

7. When Ben admits to noticing Courtney skipping obnoxously back to the group after receiving roses.  And thinking that's still the woman he loves.

8. Courtney's weirdly inconsistent reactions and blank eyes in response to Chris Harrison's questions, suggesting a disassociation and confirming my theory that she might be a sociopath.  If I were Ben, I'd hide the knives.  Just saying.  (The Bachelor franchise may be overdue for a scandal of that magnitude, considering all the crazies involved.  It's a wonder that it hasn't happened so far.)

9. My favorite element of the entire finale was the audience during "After The Finale Rose."  Never have I seen so many blond women, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes at each other.  Brilliant!  Well done, ladies!  No one is fooling you with crocodile tears.  I concur.

10. When Chris Harrison opens "After The Rose" by asking the studio and home audience to reserve judgement, so that the couple can speak freely.  "What are people going to do," asked my friend S.B.  "Throw rocks?"

Bonus: Ben's weird vest!  What cat dragged that thing in?

In conclusion, I'd like to say that, while Ben's hair looked better during "After The Rose" because it wasn't flat-ironed or limp from a keratin straightening treatment, he still needs to cut it.  Ultimately, I was dead wrong about Ben F. "The Wine Guy," as he was among my favorites on Ashley's season.  He is truly the most insufferable bachelor in history (worse than Jake!) and I wonder if Chris Harrison agrees.  (You know you can't stand him, Chris!)

Courtney and Ben deserve each other, as they're both all about feeling victimized or (in Ben's case) superior, as opposed to examining their own culpability.

I give them three months. The other ladies with whom I watched predicted the couple would last six months, a year and forever respectively.  What do you think?  How long will these jerkos stay together?

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Is Now “The Courtney Show”

By Nora Zelevansky / February 14th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-02-14 at 7.57.31 PM

I realize that this post is a day late (and possibly several dollars short), but Time Warner Cable must have a vendetta against me because my TV literally went out 30 seconds into the episode.  Is that some kind of sign that I'm killing brain cells or does Chris Harrison remotely control my DVR and this was the only way to shut me up?

I wish.

DATES

Anyhoo, it's all about The Bachelor's upcoming hometown date, so this time in Belize is just gravy en route there. (Yum.  Gravy.)  I'm a little surprised that they didn't visit the rain forest, but I guess it's harder to go shirtless there, so what's the point?

I'll make this short and sweet since I'm tardy anyway:  The ladies are informed that there won't be roses on the one-on-one dates; only on the group sitch.  First, Ben has a one-on-one with Lindzi, who still insists on spelling her name that way.

She's chill.  He likes her.  Blah, blah, blah.  She reminds me of every girl who likes horses a ton.

Next, he has a one-on-one with Emily, which sends Courtney "the model" into tearful talking heads.  Wow.  This is the first proof that we have that she's possibly human and not some kind of evil model-bot.  If you never watched the show before, you might almost think she was a normal person.  Almost.

Courtney is upset because she hates Emily (who Ben insists on keeping around) and she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date in a while, but I think – as opposed to being sad because she wants to spend time with Ben – she's actually bummed like a bratty child refused a toy.  That or she's on the rag.

Emily and Ben have a date that seems fine, but sort of formal and like there might not be tons of attraction there.  Plus, I don't believe for a hot second that he actually wants to date someone smarter than him.  Although dating dumber definitely shrinks the pool.

Whether or not she's smarter remains to be seen though, since she calls Ben "spontaneous."  Really?  Again with this pretending the producers don't plan the dates and didn't plant that lobster guy?

Next, Courtney does in fact get the third one-on-one date.  She tells Ben how much she hates Emily and the other girls, but for some reason this is not cause to condescend to the model-bot lie he did with Emily.  Instead he fawns over Courtney.  She smartly tells him she isn't sure she feels it for him anymore, so he feels like he's pursuing her.  He practically flat out tells her that he wants to pick her.  He seems desperate.  Model-bots can do that to half-men.

Toward the end of the date, Courtney says she feels "the spark" for him again and Ben tells the camera (America!) that he thinks it's a good sign that she was able to get the spark reignited so quickly.  Yeah, Ben.  Or it's a fucking TERRIBLE sign that she lost interest that quickly in the first place.  Moron.

He says he wants a woman "with edge" and who is "weird," which is just clueless lamo speak for "I'm attracted to crazies" and that's true of every guy who isn't actually ready to have a real relationship.  Boooring.  Could you BE more predictable? [Spoken like Chandler Bing.]

The group date is shark swimming with Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicky.  They're woken up at 4am by Ben unexpectedly.  (Considering how some of those girls probably look without makeup, I'm surprised he didn't send them ALL home.)  They're given time to get dressed, put on makeup and, yes, shave their pits before heading out on a boat.  Ben spends lots of time with Rachel, but we all know she's going home.

Kacie B. confesses her love for him in that awkward way that happens on The Bachelor because he's literally not allowed to say anything in return.  They kiss and then stare at each other in uncomfortable silence until she says, "Surprise!"  That makes me laugh.  Kacie B. gets the group date rose, which means he's going to meet her family, which he says is because she poured her heart out, but is really because she's only one of the three who he actually likes.  Or maybe he's always wanted to see Tennessee.

The girls warn Ben about Courtney, which he is totally not going to hear.  In a talking head, Courtney says she's not threatened by Kacie B.  "She's a little girl in a little boy's body," she quips before complaining that the other girls are catty.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Then, it's the cocktail party, which doesn't happen because Ben has already decided.  He does pull Courtney aside to ask if she's sincerely interested in him.  She says, yes.  That's surprising.

In the end, he sends home Rachel and Emily and offers them no explanation and doesn't walk them out.  Because he has no class.  And once again I'm sort of missing Brad and his therapist.  At least he was trying to better himself.  Maybe he dismissed Emily because Courtney is holding the reigns or maybe it's because he didn't want to jump her bones (literally – she is so skinny).  Either way, she's bye bye.

Meanwhile, Courtney endures of course because she's the world's best TV, except I'd really love to see him glimpse her insanity and react BIG.  If he chooses her, he's in for a rude awakening.  But maybe that's what Ben needs.  That and a kick in the head.

xo – N.

The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Goes To Utah

By Nora Zelevansky / January 24th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-01-23 at 9.01.23 PM

Here we are in Utah, a state that's quite familiar with multiple women dating one single man!  Woo hoo.  Well, it's Sundance right now in real time in Park City, so I have to imagine they timed it that way for some reason?  Or maybe it's a weird coincidence?

Anyhoo, the Bachelor episode opens and sister wife Kacie B. is freaking out.  She says she needs another date with Ben this week or she's going to lose it.  Um.  Kacie B.  It's gonna be a while before you have a second one-on-one.  There are still like 700 other girls.

Still, her panic reminds me of JP on Ashley's season and starts to make me think that maybe she actually really clicked with Ben and that they might end up together.

Anyway, it's Rachel's one-on-one date.  And she's gone mute.  She's crazy shy maybe?  She keeps talking about all the pressure of first dates.  They're on a row boat and it's so dull that the massive amount of mosquitoes are pulling focus.

Back at the house, the girls hate Courtney – newsflash!  She says she blossoms around Ben and shuts down around the girls.  If that's how you want to describe it, el psycho!  Anyway, she's all prepped for her first group date and PhD Emily says hopefully Ben will see the truth about her.

Back on the date, Rachel gets a rose, probably because she has a cool voice, she's pretty and she admitted that she has trouble "opening up."  By that I guess she means talking?  They swap marshmallows.  That's not a euphemism for anything.  He describes their potential relationship as a "slow burn."

Ben shows up on the group date on a horse. That's soooo Lindzi.  It is beautiful there, I have to say.  One of the girls says, "How attractive does he look right now?"  A few comment on how nature doesn't get more beautiful AND it's only better because they're with Ben … and a bunch of other hoochie chicks.

Courtney says the date isn't about catching trout.  It's about catching Ben.  She says the other girls aren't on their game, but Ben is paying attention to Kacie B.  Courtney says she's going to turn the date into a one-on-one.  But Lindzi isn't having it.  Don't matter though because Courtney catches a fish and apparently that's exciting.

At drinks, Ben chats with Kacie S., who I thought was Samantha.  Whatever.  They're both blond.  Blakely is wearing a terrible hat.  Nicki connects with him over losing loved ones and we find out that a friend of Ben's died right before he started the show.  Just then, Samantha shows up and acts like an idiot.  Such bad timing!  She's clearly dumb as dirt and tries to challenge him, asking why she hasn't gotten a one-on-one.  He gets pissed and pushes back.  Don't test him, mofo.  He has a temper.  We saw it when Ashley dumped him.  I kinda like it.  He don't take crap.

He tells her that he's observed that she's overly emotional on group dates.  He sends her straight home, saying that she doesn't take the whole thing seriously enough.  She was absurd, but — wow — that was harsh.  He thought she was being a bitch, but she was actually just being a moron.  Sorry, Samantha.  Bye bye.

Courtney, always eloquent and kind, says, "It's nice to see Ben sending girls home.  Another one bites the dust."

Ben gives Kacie B. one-on-one time during the date.  He likes her, for reals.  He always gives her extra time.  He likes her a lot and he says that he's "in trouble."   They still have to go through this whole process!  He says, "I might end up with her.  She's wonderful."

Then he's with Courtney and he is so whipped by her model ass.  She manipulates him into giving her the rose by saying that her feelings are wavering.  But she's so hot that he panics.  (BTW — his hair is wet and away from his face and he looks SO much better.)

The other women are all upset.  But what else is new?

The next one-on-one is with "good kisser" Jennifer, who I think he might keep around for making out purposes, but not for real.  I don't even know why I feel that way.  They're going to climb down/rappel into a crater.  Meanwhile, all I can think is that I want to re-color her way too red hair.

They lower into the water.  It's a metaphor for a relationship, unknown waters blah blah blah.  It rains etc. blah blah blah.

Back at the house, Blakely is doing Emily's highlights.  Obviously, she's not so hated anymore.  They all hate Courtney and — wait! — that girl Jamie who took care of her siblings when her parents died is still around.  I didn't even realize!  We haven't even seen them talk.

Back on the date, there's a country music concert and OMG thank goodness — it's not an awkward personal show.  Phew.  But just when I think we're safe, they go right up to the stage and sway.  Eek.

Anyway, on to the cocktail party, where Emily tries to warn Ben about Courtney and instead ends up looking bad.  Courtney is evil, saying Emily is on her "shit list."   She's such a psychopath and I can only imagine that Ben is blind to it because she's so hot (as evidenced by "scenes from next week," when she strips down completely and goes skinny dipping with him).

Monica — who appeared to possibly be into Blakely on the first episode — is sent home and is upset, but it's confusing because her goodbye with Ben makes it seem like they've barely talked.

I'm worried about next episode, when Emily seems to try to warn Ben AGAIN for some stupid reason and Courtney just gets naked to get her way.  I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Ben can't rightly go skinny dipping with her and make out naked in the water and then send her home, so I'm guessing she'll be sticking around.

Still, my favorite moment in the entire episode?  When Ben announces that they're going to "Vieques, Puerto Rico!" at the end and — amidst the other girls' shrieks of happiness — Courtney pouts, "I was just there two months ago."

Really, Ben?  Really?  I'm not even going to talk about the accent he used when he said "Puerto Rico."

xo – N.