The Lint Collector: The Bachelor Chooses His Bachelorette

By Nora Zelevansky / March 12th, 2012

Screen shot 2012-03-13 at 12.19.24 AM

You guys hardly need a recap of the most predictable Bachelor finale in history (Thanks for NOTHING, US Weekly), ultimately starring the two biggest narcissists on planet Mars.

But no season is complete without a few closing thoughts.  At the very least, we must acknowledge this episode's most brilliant and traumatic moments, not the least of which was Ashley Hebert's reappearance. (I hate to hate on her because it's such low hanging fruit, but ohmylord was she always that annoyingly perky?  How does JP stand her?  And when did she get so skinny?)

ANYWAY … Top Ten highlights in no particular order:

1. It's never fun to get dumped.  But you know what's worse than that?  Getting dumped on national television while inexplicably wearing a green velvet cape.  (I think that may be even worse than getting dumped via text—one last time, people: "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you!")  Poor Lindzi.  She never even gets her moment to pepper Ben with questions, answered with unsatisfactory grunts.  I'm sure she's walking around wondering why men always disappoint her.  If I had her number, I'd call her up and offer this advice, "This might not happen if you stopped dating douche bags."

2. When Courtney emerged from the helicopter wearing leather gloves with her gown, did anyone else wonder for a moment if she planned to strangle Ben, if he chose someone else?

3. When Ben's sister, donning a few super strategically styled snow bunny get-ups, confirmed that Courtney was really "honest" about her experience with the other women in the house.

4. When Ben's mother tried not to stare at the volcanic zit on poor Lindzi's chin, as they talked about "opening up" to Ben.

5. When Courtney was filmed "just waking up" in a cotton teddy that no one has EVER worn to sleep alone.

6. When Lindzi apologized to Ben for taking a while to open up emotionally and Ben told her (in his ever condescending tone) that he knew she'd eventually "get there."  Really?  Instead of being gratious, you're going to suggest that she's just not as developed as you?

Then, when Ben dumps Lindzi at the altar (hypocritically "pulling an Ashley" with a misleading confession of love before breaking the "bad" news) and she says she feels mad at herself because she couldn't be what he needed, he doesn't even have the grace to mutter, "It's not your fault."  Zero class, that guy.

7. When Ben admits to noticing Courtney skipping obnoxously back to the group after receiving roses.  And thinking that's still the woman he loves.

8. Courtney's weirdly inconsistent reactions and blank eyes in response to Chris Harrison's questions, suggesting a disassociation and confirming my theory that she might be a sociopath.  If I were Ben, I'd hide the knives.  Just saying.  (The Bachelor franchise may be overdue for a scandal of that magnitude, considering all the crazies involved.  It's a wonder that it hasn't happened so far.)

9. My favorite element of the entire finale was the audience during "After The Finale Rose."  Never have I seen so many blond women, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes at each other.  Brilliant!  Well done, ladies!  No one is fooling you with crocodile tears.  I concur.

10. When Chris Harrison opens "After The Rose" by asking the studio and home audience to reserve judgement, so that the couple can speak freely.  "What are people going to do," asked my friend S.B.  "Throw rocks?"

Bonus: Ben's weird vest!  What cat dragged that thing in?

In conclusion, I'd like to say that, while Ben's hair looked better during "After The Rose" because it wasn't flat-ironed or limp from a keratin straightening treatment, he still needs to cut it.  Ultimately, I was dead wrong about Ben F. "The Wine Guy," as he was among my favorites on Ashley's season.  He is truly the most insufferable bachelor in history (worse than Jake!) and I wonder if Chris Harrison agrees.  (You know you can't stand him, Chris!)

Courtney and Ben deserve each other, as they're both all about feeling victimized or (in Ben's case) superior, as opposed to examining their own culpability.

I give them three months. The other ladies with whom I watched predicted the couple would last six months, a year and forever respectively.  What do you think?  How long will these jerkos stay together?

xo – N.