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The Lint Collector: Bachelorette First Dates!

By Nora Zelevansky / May 22nd, 2012

Screen shot 2012-05-22 at 12.56.24 AM
I know this is probably slightly wrong/weird, but I found this photo on-line of Emily and her ex-fiance Ricky.  She looks sort of drunk actually.  Anyway … this is the guy.  So maybe she likes blonds?

Anyway, on with the show!  Let the second episode begin!  (Especially since I’m not sure I’ll get to all these recaps with the book stuff I need to do over the next few months to get ready for the release!)

EPISODE 2

What can I say?  At this point, I feel like all the guys look alike and I can barely tell one from the other.  They all have big necks and v-neck t-shirts and weird spiky hair.  Otherwise, there is so much to learn about each and every one of them!  For instance, will the football player Ryan ever stop doing his hair that way, why does he think that’s a good idea and how much wax does it actually take to de-hair all those steroid-happy pecks?

Anyway … Emily is happy because she’s in Charlotte, NC, which is her “town” and she feels comfortable there.  I have to say, she actually looks less manicured and more comfortable too.  I’m liking it.

First, we see her chatting with her “mom group” and they look surprisingly diverse as types.  I’m sure they don’t usually get together in the park without all their kids to discuss who is picking up Ricki from soccer practice, but you know.  We’ll suspend disbelief just this once, since the rest of the show is so realistic.

ONE-ON-ONE #1

Emily is rebuffing the helicopters for a version of “real life” on her first date with Ryan.  They’re going to make cookies in her kitchen.  He says he didn’t expect this, but he’s willing to do anything.  Willing but not psyched?  Hmm.  Questionable.  She’s impressed that he went along with it, as if he had a choice?

The guys back at the house think she looked “real” when she picked up Ryan … in a good way.  And Ryan, on the date, says he’s honored to be part of Emily Maynard’s day.  He says her full name like she’s famous or something, which I guess she sort of is.  Then they go on a date out to dinner.  For some reason there’s a humongous crowd outside and a red carpet.  I guess not a lot goes on in NC?

Emily says she’s going to ask the “hard questions” and she grills this guys right upfront.  Slow down, girl.  It’s still a first date!!  I mean, that guy would be running for the hills, if he wasn’t on TV.  Have a cocktail!  Take a load off!

Anyway, she gives him the rose though she worries that he’s too perfect.  Um.  Did you not see his HAIR?

I’m already thinking there is not going to be a lot of hot tub action in this season.  She’s controlled to say the least.  Meanwhile, her southerness is bringing out the southern in him too.  Accents all day long.  One of her “favorite” bands (she’s probably actually never heard of) plays for them, which is even more awkward because of all the preteens taking pictures of the couple dancing with their camera phones.  At least they’re slow dancing and not like rocking out.

GROUP DATE:

Three words: Muppets. Charity. Theater.  Charlie (the brain damaged guy) is too nervous about his speech issues (which seem nonexistent to the untrained eye) to do the stand up comedy he’s been assigned.  Between that and the singing and dancing, it all seems designed to humiliate anyway.  I mean, what guy would want to do a kick line with Muppets on a first date? (more…)

THE LINT COLLECTOR: ASHLEY & HER ABS, SITTING IN A TREE

By Nora Zelevansky / May 31st, 2011

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Ashley poses like the spazz she is …

As usual, the show begins with Chris Harrison and a date card.  All the men want the one-on-one, including the masked man (who shall here-on-in be dubbed "The Lone Loser").  He says, "I'd love a date with Ashley.  I think she's beautiful."  Whoa there, Tonto.  Aren't looks not supposed to matter to you?  Isn't your whole "thing" that people are too superficial?  Isn't that why you're the douche bag in a MASK?

Anyway … she chooses William, who is a less hot Josh Lucas and they're off to Vegas via (surprise!) private plane.  They have the weirdest, most twisted date ever, where they like simulate a wedding.  She makes him say "I do" and then she laughs at him basically.  Whatever.  They kiss.  She says she likes him.  Turns out that they both have alcoholic fathers and William's died.  What a strange coincidence.  It's almost like someone planned it that way.

All is confessed in the middle of The Bellagio's fountain, not to, like, attract attention or anything.  He gets the rose.  Blah, blah, blah.

Group date time: Everyone is off to Vegas.  We've all seen the scenes, so we know that they'll be traveling the whole time.  Instead of gambling or something actually fun though, they have to watch her dance and then dance with her.

Really, Ashley?  That's how you're going to pick your husband?  I'm not sure you want to marry a guy whose at home in a sparkly costume on a Vegas stage.  Just saying.

Most importantly, Ashley gets to show off her abs, which are admittedly impressive.  She should just marry her own abs.  The guys separate into troops to dance to some sort of hip hop-type sitch.  They look like fools.  There's really nothing else to say.  It's all very very white.  Seriously.  I'm a little embarrassed to be caucasian.

Anyway, Ashley wants to treat the "after party" like a one-on-one with each dude.  West wants to tell her that his wife died.  (P.S. There are some shady whisperings about a shared drug problem and a potential overdose or something that caused her death?  Chime in, if you know more.)  She seems sorta interested, but weirdly not as emotional as about William's father.

Bentley gets bleeped talking to camera about how Ashley has "an amazing butt and rockin' legs and having her tickle my *butt hole* would be amazing."  Charming.  Chaaaaarming.  (And, yes, I rewound three times, until I could read his lips.)  He says she's not his type, but he's competitive.  And she gives him the rose.  Because his butt hole is convincing, I guess.

The chef Mickey wins the next one-on-one on a coin toss.  (I have never seen him before.)  They flip a coin for EVERYTHING going forward on the date.  ANNOYING.  It's weird cause this guy is good looking, but he also sort of resembles Marcel from Top Chef.

Lo and behold, his mother died too.  Do these producers have NO shame at all???  And it's awkward two person concert time.  Oh jeez.  I'll spare you the details.

Then, it's cocktail party and rose ceremony time.  Ashley makes out with JP (the bald guy).  The Lone Loser explains that he had a brain hemorrhage at 29-years-old, which affected his short term memory.  Is that also why he has no sense of humor?

And Bentley has GOT to be pretending to be a bigger asshole than he would normally be.  I mean, give me a break.  He so obviously planned this whole thing with his moronic, date rapist frat brothers.  I don't even feel like he's pulling it off.  He seems awkward about it (which he should BTW cause he has a KID).  His daughter is going to be sooooooo proud of him one day.

Anyway, I shouldn't even waste breath on him, but he says kissing Ashley is boring.  He's worse than Wes with Jillian, however many seasons ago.  She says she's falling for him and squeezes his face like she's his 80-year-old aunt.  It's sort of painful.  He's not even cute.  And what is he proving?  That he can prey on some helpless pathetic girl by pretending to be nice?  It's really putting a damper on my hating on her.  I actually feel bad for the girl.

Some guys get sent home, but no one I really recognize.  One guy who gets voted off calls his mom and asks her to make him French toast.  Yum.  French toast.  And, with that, we chill 'til the next episode …

xo – N.