By Nora Zelevansky / August 2nd, 2011

Screen shot 2011-08-01 at 11.25.34 PM

Sadly, this will have to be a super short post because I somehow injured one of my typing hands.

But I would like to begin by saying that Ashley's sister is a hater.  She goes off after like two seconds about how JP isn't the one.  First of all, she keeps calling him old — an elderly 34.  Then, she decides that he's not wacky or fun enough for her sister.

Um.  Newsflash.  Ashley is not fun.  She likes to flash mob and cry.

Also, JP isn't funny enough?  He just made your asses love like 5 times.

I love how the sister keeps talking about how she makes rational decisions and that Ashley is irrational, which is so insulting — and Ashley doesn't even notice.  If you don't have faith at all in Ashley's instincts then how do you propose she makes a decision?  The best part: We then find out that she's divorced.

Anyway, she hates JP and loves Ben and Ashley is too dumb to realize that her sister is a pathetic attention whore, so — even though she CRIES and says she's heartbroken — she seems to listen to her!  It's so obvious that Ashley actually likes JP best, but feels like she SHOULD pick Ben.

Why isn't anyone telling her that sometimes the guy you fit with best isn't necessarily your obvious type?  How can she not tell that her sister is miserable and jealous?  No matter which guy went first, she would have unleashed on him.  I feel sure of it.

Anyway — after the family visits, she takes a mud bath with Ben.  Um.  TMI moment.  Then he tells her he loves her.

JP date — she's clearly done a 180.  Her sister told her that her life with the "old" guy would be boring and dull and she's a stupid ass and believes it.  Even though he's a much less uptight more generous person than Ben — it's obvious.  But she's going to make decisions based on what her sister thinks and it won't work out.  But then JP says he's madly in love and gave her a book, so who knows?

I have to say — two things that make this season stand out — first, that she doesn't express any weirdness at all about making out with all these dudes.  Usually, the women are a little more restrained.  Second, I sort of don't know who she is going to pick 100% for once.

And then … it's Ben she's dumping.  And this is rough.  JP has been a neurotic Jew the whole time and worried that she'll dump him.  Ben has NO idea.  He's getting completely blind-sided.  He's crying about his dad.  She tries to tell him, but then he shushes her and gets down on one knee.  It's AWWWWWFUL.  And he does not wait around to act gracious.  He just walks the fuck out.  Totally shows his true colors.  He's like, "You can't leave something like this on good terms" and "Good things don't end unless they end badly."  NEGATIVO.  No matter what she did to JP, he would not have reacted this way.  I'm positive.

I'm kind of liking the pissed side of Ben.  But it's like a 180.  I bet she never even knew he had a temper.  Ben says he thinks that JP was the safe bet and that's why Ashley chose him.  He's wrong.  He was actually the safe choice.

Okay — this didn't end up being short.  I'm a sick puppy, literally enduring pain to express my Bachelorette opinion.  Anyway, it's JP proposal time and I so think they might be one of the couples that actually lasts.  And he loves her and she loves him and he FINALLY proposes and then they stand around all awkwardly and then they do a montage to (YES, THEY WENT FOR IT!) REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling."  Which is a little upsetting — does this mean that I won't ever be able to hear that song without thinking of The Bachelorette again?

Now comes "After The Final Rose" and we find out that Ben is now sleeping with Ashley's sister.  JUST KIDDING!  But how great would that be?  He still seems pissed, but he denies it.  I love when someone gets dumped and then shows their true colors.  He's super pissy.  And why did they STRAIGHTEN his hair?  Eeks.

Anyway — JP & Ashley are totally in looooove.  Her sister is still a beeatch, even though she pretends to repent.  Her sister references holidays together — Thanksgivings, Christmases.  Ashley adds, "Chanukah!"  I like that, Ashley!  Score one for the tribe.

BTW–Chris Harrison's hair is so dark, long and curly, right?

Anyway, that's all they wrote.  And no announcement about the next Bachelor.  Now what?  How will we spend our time?

xo – N.


By Nora Zelevansky / March 15th, 2011


This was supposed to be a joyous post, full of cheers and jeers (a few!) and toasts to a lifetime of bliss for Brad & Emily.

Wait, who?  They're so last week.  Now we know the outcome, so they're immediately relegated to yesterday's news, replaced by some equally stupid racist girl at UCLA.  Or maybe she's even dumber than them cause she actually FILMED herself saying hateful things and knowingly shared it.  That begs the question: Has it gotten easier to get into college?  Two words: IN. STATE.

Anyway, instead of posting about Emily's yellow hair, Brad's twin (better looking?) or even issuing a challenge to anyone who can tell me exacty how many picnics the couple enjoyed over the duration of the show (I count at least 5!  What's wrong with eating indoors?), I need to take a moment and mourn the fact that super annoying Ashley H. is now going to be the next Bachelorertte.

Even I – a dedicated Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise fan – am not sure that I can endure her spunky ass for an entire season!  What were they thinking?  Alas, I would have preferred Chantal, but they never choose the first runner-up.  It's always the third or fourth to last, who gets the crown as the next contestant.

Oh well.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with three deep thoughts from my viewing party:

1. Why is Chantal dressed like the black swan, if the swan moved to Texas and put on too much makeup?  The only thing more humiliating than getting dumped on national TV is getting dumped with your hair like that, while dressed like a sausage in hideous dress.

2. When Emily talks about potentially getting dumped by Brad, she says, "This is either going to be the best or the worst day of my life."  At which time, my friend P. wondered out loud, "Really Emily?  The WORST day of your life?"  I mean, we've heard that story about the rainy morning enough times to beg to differ.

3. The Drewser wondered, what happens when they all go to heaven and Ricky is there?  Who will Emily choose then?

Maybe they have their own version of the show up there in the clouds.

That would explain why the world seems to be falling apart right now from Japan to Libya to Wisconsin.  Clearly, the powers that be (whoever they are) are distracted.  And who can blame them?  I am too.

xo – N.


By Nora Zelevansky / August 3rd, 2010

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On the most dramatic Bachelorette finale ever, Ali wears yellow.  Again.

Dude.  When she said she was going to "break the rules," I thought she meant she might wear like green or something.

I don't know who I feel worse for: Chris L. or Ali's brother.  I can't believe the family talked on national TV about dressing him up in feather boas.  Poor guy.  Now he'll never get laid.

Anyway, as usual, Ali "No Poker Face" McGee made it obvious she was more into Roberto from the very beginning and sort of took the steam out of the reveal (which I called BTW).  Just saying.

To be fair, guessing plot-lines is a special talent of mine.

But this isn't about me.  This is about three morons on an island.

It's impossible not to feel awful for Chris L. (the next Bachelor, I assume?).  He keeps talking about being in love and how his parents had that etc.  Ugh.  Ali.  How could you string this guy – of all guys – along?  He's still a disaster because of his mother.  And why is she taking so long to break it to him?  Why does she keep saying she doesn't know what to do, when she knows exactly what she's doing?  Why does she seem so giddy?

Ali says, "This wasn't an easy decision."  But, I mean, it was.  Because she's letting him go before the proposal day even comes.  To be fair, though, I guess if you don't know which guy to choose the day before they propose, it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.  Like, you SHOULD know already.

Luckily, Chris sees a rainbow, which IS kind of touching.  And then, if he can learn how to annunciate, I think he'll make a lovely Bachelor contestant.

Neil Lane looks well-preserved blah blah.  Meanwhile, I sort of think by next year that Ali will be host on E! or something, but she and Roberto have as good a chance as any of the past contestants, I think.  If she really loves him, he does seems pretty sweet.  But then he also said right before proposing, "I don't think I've ever thought as much I have today."  Brain trust, he's not.

I think I discovered that the key to getting picked is kissing someone awkwardly while hanging high up in the air, either like Vienna from a bungee or Roberto on a tightrope.

Cue … Lion King music?  Okay.

So, then, Frank bailed on "After the Final Rose."  Wait–Frank freaked out and had a "change of heart"?  How odd and surprising.  WHATEVER.  He probably broke up with that girl and felt like a moron, that neurotic mess.

Anywa, blah blah.  Chris is understanding.  Roberto made me think they were sort of normal when said, "I can't believe we met on a TV show."  And I'm bored because the reveal already happened and I don't care about listening to them blabber about their true love and or watching them reminisce about things that I watched five minutes ago.

Via con dios, you guys.  Adios hair extensions, Ali (I hope), and Chris Harrison saying Roberto's name all weird: "RoberTO."  And hola Bachelor Pad.

xo – N.

P.S.  What do you think?  Will Bachelor Pad be sucky like Top Chef Masters?

P.P.S.  Did you know that the bachelorette doesn't get to keep the ring, unless they stay with the guy for a certain amount of time?


By Nora Zelevansky / February 26th, 2009


(The Mourning Dress I Should Be Wearing Because Hosea Won Top Chef–HOSEA!!!)

DUDE.  I don't even know what to say.  This is a dark day on Bravo.  How the hell did they allow this to happen? How the hell did Hosea win Top Chef?

First of all, I think we're all bummed that Casey (who was known as the *jinx* on her season, not because she's actually bad luck, but because she sucks at cooking) totally destroyed Carla's chances.

Second of all, I think we all know that Stefan, while painted as the villain this season, is clearly an actual human being, as he rushed over to Carla's side when she started crying.

Third of all, I think we all know that Stefan not only made the best dish of the night (squab), but was the strongest chef (alongside underdog Carla) all season.

On the other hand, here's what we know about Hosea:

First, he's a douche.

Second, he's a douche.

Third, he's a douche.

Fourth, he's a douche.

Fifth, we know that he actually liked the most obviously desperate and needy woman in Top Chef history (and the other incredibly annoying person this season).

Sixth, his girlfriend dumped him after the show.  Mazel.

Seventh, we don't really know anything about him because his culinary style is as bulbous and beige as his face.

Eighth, when Carla was crying about letting Casey sway her menu and failing miserably as a result, he bragged that he, "just cooked my food tonight."  Which is what exactly???  Douche soup????

Ninth, after he won, he was still pathetically talking about beating Stefan.  I mean, get a grip, lamo!

Tenth, he's a douche.

If only Tom hadn't been on the rag all season without Gail to check him.  If only Gail had come back earlier and witnessed the loser that is Hosea.  If only Carla hadn't fallen under Casey's blue cheese souffle influence.  If only Stefan had put some spice in his ice cream and made it "chocolate chili" instead of just "chocolate mousse."  If only Richard Blais was eligible to win, since he's probably nine hundred times better at cooking than any of them.  If only Marcel had rapped.

But no.  And, so, we have nothing left to do, but mourn and hope that Hosea gets trashed by the other contestants on the Reunion Show.  Which he probably won't.  WHATEVER.

At least Richard Blais blogs on the website about how he would have helped any of them win.  And I think it's true.

In protest, I'm not even linking to the stupid Top Chef site.  GRRRRRR.

xo – N.

P.S.  Do you guys agree?  Let me know via the "comments" link just below!

P.P.S. Check out Top Chef Season 5 Misfires on TWoP.

P.P.P.S.  My sister and Andrew think Gail's boobs look bigger.  Do we think she's preggers?  That would be quick, no?