What IS this? The Biggest Loser? I mean, I am generally the first person to burst into tears, but it's like a cry fest around these parts lately. And by "these parts" I mean wherever the Bachelorette cameras go.
I realize that Chris L. got cast because of his mother, Kirk got cast because of his black mold illness, Roberto got cast because–well–because he's hot and played minor league baseball and Frank got cast because–wait, why did Frank get cast? Cause he's skittish and crazy? But I mean, is there anything else to these peeps?
First, we visited Roberto's family (cue shameless Latin music, right C?). I am starting to think that Ali should maybe choose him, if she can get past the fact that he is a little lacking in edge and she can actually have "feelings" for him beyond wanting to hump him right on the baseball diamond. He seems sweet and solid and like a good catch (or as much so as one could be on The Bachelorette.) Conversely, if he is totally earnest about this show, does that make him automatically dumb as dirt?
Next, Chris L.'s whole cute family is like raw with sadness, which Ali "No Poker Face" Fedotowsky CANNOT really handle. Also, it's raining, while everyone else got sun. Not quite as LITE as she seems to prefer, at least judging by her facial expressions. On a side note, do you think if she picked him and then went out with him, she would be like "Hi, nice to see you. This is my boyfriend, Chris L." When does he get to drop the last initial already? I feel like I'm in nursery school every time I hear it.
Then off to Kirk's house, where everyone cries about mold and stuff. Kirk's "all in" now. He's kind of growing on me actually. Growing like black mold. HA! No, but really. More like mold spores that aren't toxic.
Lastly, she's off to see Frank, who she says she likes because he's "so laid back." Um. Ali? Can I ask you something? Are you INSANE? I think by "laid back" she must mean on the verge of a breakdown. Just because someone jumps around and acts like a spazz with tons of nervous energy, doesn't mean he's "laid back."
But it's so obvious she likes him best. Which is sad. Cause he's totally about to fuck her royally. And not in the Fantasy Suite kinda way, if you know what I mean.
Also, this has been bugging me: I would like to point out with regard to Frank that going on a three week trip to Paris is neither "moving to Paris to focus on your art" or an excuse for living with your parents. That's called a vacation, Frank. If that is your name. Three weeks in Paris does not a Hemingway make, stupido.
On a separate note, all over the Internetsss, people are speculating that Ali may be Jewish. Not that it matters anyway, but I really don't think so. Isn't she just like Polish? Are there Jews in Massachusetts? I mean, outside of Newton? One brilliant blogger speculates that Ali cannot possibly have been born Jewish because she ate an oyster on the show. She also left her payis and horns at home.
Hmm. I guess that means I wasn't born Jewish either cause I eat oysters too. Huh. I totally thought I was. Good to know. See? You learn things because of The Bachelorette.
People also think Frank is Jewish. I hope not. He's tool city. Where is Reid when you need him?
Anyway, in the end, Ali cries too. It wasn't the mold or the death of a mother that turned on the water works, but rather the rose ceremony. It's hard to be Ali. But tonight maybe it's harder to be Kirk. Apparently, mold does not an experienced romantic make. But at least he didn't cry.
xo – N.
P.S. I am confused. Chris L.'s father referenced Ali quitting her job to take care of her ailing grandmother before she died. But didn't her grandmother pass away right before she went on the Bachelor with Jake? Wouldn't it then follow that she had no job to leave the show for? Maybe she only took bereavement leave or something. Or MAYBE, just MAYBE, the producers came to her and said, "Leave the show now and you can be the Bachelorette." But that's just a conspiracy theory.
P.P.S. Andre brilliantly pointed out that you can see Ali's arm hair stand on end in the scenes from next week, when Frank says he has something to tell her. Good catch, Drewser!