By Nora Zelevansky / August 1st, 2011

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Brunette Barbie & Rustic Ken

Happy August!

Normally, I start the month by reading my horoscope on the Astrology Zone website.  (Yeah. I can admit it).  Now that that's done (check!), let's also welcome the last month of summer with a list of what we learned from The Bachelorette "The Men Tell All."

But first: I seriously don't really know who she's going to pick.  I think JP, but then I think maybe she's too comfortable with him.  No spoilers please, people, but who is your money on?

Okay, okay.  Here's what we learned …

1. Ashley's hair looks better now than at the beginning of the season.

2. The producers cut out all the remotely funny things that happen on this show.

3. On JP & Ashley's first date, he broke her entertainment center and she fell asleep on him.  No wonder she kept apologizing afterward.  Too comfortable much?

4. There was a penis-shaped fruit bowl in her hotel room in Thailand and Vaseline by her bedside.

5. Ames is going to be on Bachelor Pad II.  Really, Ames??  You went to HARVARD.  Now you're hanging out with Michelle Money, Justin "Rated R" The Wrestler, Blake the psychotic dentist jerko, Vienna and Jake and "I got a tattoo and then voted off" Casey from Ali's season.  At least it looks like smarty pants gets some action.

6. The masked man likes housekeeping in his Lone Ranger get-up, a button down and undies.

7. The men all think William is a dirtbag and a liar.  They're right.  He's like flacid Bentley.  At least that guy admits to being a douche. William and Ryan's exit videos both kind of make you want to go run and find Brad's therapist.

8. The masked guy claims that he wore a mask to be funny, which is weird because he clearly has no sense of humor.

9. That guy Nick didn't talk for the whole show, but now he's asking questions like he's the host or something.

10. Ames is the fan favorite!  The women in the audience went crazy for him!  He said he thought Ashley calling him "unique" was a euphemism — righto, mate.  You know why everyone likes him?  You gotta love a guy who can string together a coherent sentence.

11. Bentley "declined" to come to this reunion show.  Um.  Is it not in his contract that he has to come?  The guys have a message for him anyway: "Go fuck yourself!"  Well said, boys.

12.  That guy Blake is a JERK.

13. I want to say something interesting about the show's alumns that offer advice (a.k.a. Ali, Jason and Deanna), but there's just nothing interesting to say.

14. Ashley is HAPPY!  That's all we get to know.

15. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, tonight is the finale!  CAN'T WAIT!  Deeply sad, but true.

xo – N.




THE LINT COLLECTOR’S TRASHY TUESDAYS: The Reunion (a.k.a. Freaks & Geeks)

By Nora Zelevansky / July 27th, 2010

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I'm sorry, but is this not the MOST genius picture ever???  Ali "Poker Face" McGee strikes again during Kasey's serenade!

I almost don't want to write anything else because it could never be better than the image above.  And yet … I can't quite control myself.

So, at the reunion a.k.a. The Men (Who Were Willing to Show Up) Tell All: In the deleted scenes, Roberto almost takes Ali's eye out with a champagne cork, which I kind of liked because they sort of seemed like normal people … almost.

Then, Ali and Chris Harrison can't figure out why Ali can't remember putting on an astronaut's helmet at the museum.  Apparently they also can't remember that she was consuming barrels of alcohol and probably blacking out nightly.  She says when she jokingly called for "Houston," she was actually trying to reach Chris H. for help (presumably because she was scared of Kasey, who she proceeded to keep around for several more weeks–gee, I wonder if the producers made her do that?).

Chris "phantom" N. was apparently as much of a nonentity as he seemed and, as usual, Chris L. is super funny in the talking heads, when he does an imitation of the guy.  Why can't he seem to translate that funniness into conversations with Ali?

Then they introduced the boys and Craig R. looks totally cocky and like, "I get laid now."  Which he probably does.  It also says that he is 27-years-old.  Really?  He looks like 40.

ANYWAY … then some guy I have never seen before named John or something yells at "The Weather Man" about outing Craig M. as "dangerous."  Um.  Why do you weirdos care?  Then hot Jesse says he would have knocked Craig M. out in another situation and I believe him and now I think he's even cuter.  How could Ali send him home and keep Kasey???  PRODUCERS???  They could have at least left us with the eye candy.

Lots of Justin babble.  We get it.  He's an a-hole.  Moving on.  Kasey's crazy.  Justin sucks.  Frank's confused.  The Weather Man is crazy annoying.  Kirk's a great guy.  Roberto and Chris L. have integrity. Everyone else was there for the right reasons (except for that John guy, who I'm pretty sure wasn't even really on the show).  Blah, blah, blah.

Then they talk about Frank.  And Ali–in a clip–actually says, "I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Frank."  So, that's that?  Do we think that she's going to pick no one cause he was the guy?  Some of you people in the "she's gonna pick no one" camp have started to sway me a little, but–at present–I still think she'll probably pick Roberto.

But that's just my opinion.

And, as a wise man named Kasey once said, "That's just my heart.  Jump in.  Stay a while."

xo – N.