Brunette Barbie & Rustic Ken
Normally, I start the month by reading my horoscope on the Astrology Zone website. (Yeah. I can admit it). Now that that's done (check!), let's also welcome the last month of summer with a list of what we learned from The Bachelorette "The Men Tell All."
But first: I seriously don't really know who she's going to pick. I think JP, but then I think maybe she's too comfortable with him. No spoilers please, people, but who is your money on?
Okay, okay. Here's what we learned …
1. Ashley's hair looks better now than at the beginning of the season.
2. The producers cut out all the remotely funny things that happen on this show.
3. On JP & Ashley's first date, he broke her entertainment center and she fell asleep on him. No wonder she kept apologizing afterward. Too comfortable much?
4. There was a penis-shaped fruit bowl in her hotel room in Thailand and Vaseline by her bedside.
5. Ames is going to be on Bachelor Pad II. Really, Ames?? You went to HARVARD. Now you're hanging out with Michelle Money, Justin "Rated R" The Wrestler, Blake the psychotic dentist jerko, Vienna and Jake and "I got a tattoo and then voted off" Casey from Ali's season. At least it looks like smarty pants gets some action.
6. The masked man likes housekeeping in his Lone Ranger get-up, a button down and undies.
7. The men all think William is a dirtbag and a liar. They're right. He's like flacid Bentley. At least that guy admits to being a douche. William and Ryan's exit videos both kind of make you want to go run and find Brad's therapist.
8. The masked guy claims that he wore a mask to be funny, which is weird because he clearly has no sense of humor.
9. That guy Nick didn't talk for the whole show, but now he's asking questions like he's the host or something.
10. Ames is the fan favorite! The women in the audience went crazy for him! He said he thought Ashley calling him "unique" was a euphemism — righto, mate. You know why everyone likes him? You gotta love a guy who can string together a coherent sentence.
11. Bentley "declined" to come to this reunion show. Um. Is it not in his contract that he has to come? The guys have a message for him anyway: "Go fuck yourself!" Well said, boys.
12. That guy Blake is a JERK.
13. I want to say something interesting about the show's alumns that offer advice (a.k.a. Ali, Jason and Deanna), but there's just nothing interesting to say.
14. Ashley is HAPPY! That's all we get to know.
15. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, tonight is the finale! CAN'T WAIT! Deeply sad, but true.
xo – N.