By Nora Zelevansky / August 10th, 2010

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Pull out the Z-Pack course of antibiotics and the Purell, here comes Bachelor Pad!

They should rename this show "Oompa Loompa Pad."  Never has so much self-tanner existed in the same 3000 square foot space.  It's probably a health hazard.  I think there's probably a noxious orange cloud hanging over the house.  Or maybe it will all evaporate into the air, come together and form a mutant super villain, TAN MAN.  DR. ORANGE. BURNT SIENNA.  DR. BURNT SIENNA.  Ooooooh: DR. RUST.

Anyway, sooo many breast implants, waxed chests and mixed metaphors.

I think this show is genius.  But then I threw out my back and am popping pain-killers.  What did you guys think?

I loved Tenley's totally manic perkiness and then ugly cry face after crazy Michelle pulled a Misery in the restroom.  I loved Elizabeth's fatal attraction moment with Jesse, where she tried to blackmail him into liking her and tells him what to say to her.  (By the way, harassing a guy and constantly pulling him aside at parties and trying to blackmail him into liking you and then crying is a REALLY good way to make him like you.)  So is dying your skin orange AND your hair yellow.

ELIZABETH, that means you.

If you're a boy, probably your favorite part was anything Gia.  I've decided that within the Bachelor/Bachelorette "scene" (and there clearly is one), Gia is like a minor celebrity.  They all like freaked out when she showed up at the house.  OMG — It's GIA!!!!

You know, what kind of scares me though?  The thought of having to sleep in that bunk bed room.  Like I need to deep breath just thinking about it.  I mean, seriously you get no privacy, and there's like "lights out" time.  BLEH.  Not to mention the fake tanner fumes.

Anyway, this show rocks.  Craig M. is nast.  David is a date rapist (I haven't forgotten since his last season).  Juan is serial killer icky.  The Weatherman cries when he kisses girls and yet he pretends his strategy involves hooking up. And this show ROCKS.

Just sayin'.

xo – N.

P.S. I thought it was interesting that dates can be based on crushing on someone or just on strategy like Survivor.  The tribe has spoken!