By Nora Zelevansky / January 18th, 2011


Twenty things we learned this week on The Bachelor:

1. The casting call read: "Women ages 22 to 30. Southern twang and daddy issues a must.  Fangs okay."

2. There's a music producer at Capital Records still screaming "My ears!  My ears!" after Brad's rendition of Seal's Kiss From A Rose.

3. Seal doesn't know any other songs.  It's been 15 years, dude!  Sing something new!

4. Auf Wiedersehen.  You're out.

5. After their one-on-one date, Brad was excited that he felt so comnfortable with Ashley S.  (Translation: She'll make it to top 5 and then be nixed on the basis of a "friend vibe.")

6. If you cry, you get a rose.  Unless someone else cried harder.

7. Chantal is spelled "Shawntel" by dumb people.

8. Michelle likes her kisses slippery.  Also, she's maybe a serial killer.

9. Group dates are generally involve "acting" and end with a cringe-worthy screening.  Hopefully, they burn the film.

10. "Barbie meets Mother Theresa" is the PERFECT decription of Emily (who I fear might be too self-sufficient and tough cookie for Brad).

11. The vampire girl is sweet!  She wants Emily to be happy above all else!  And her fangs are like dentures: They come out!

12. My husband does an excellent impression of a bachelorette with fangs.

13. Brad is dumb and can't tell that Michelle is psychotic.

14. There's no such thing as eating moderate amounts of Chinese food.  (That's unrelated to the show, but I ate a boatload while I watched.)

15. Brad is very patient.  This is "really hard" for all these chicks.

16. There are still women here I am sure I have never seen before.

17. For some reason, the vampire girl thinks she has to leave even though no one is making her go.

18. Who is Lisa?  Who is Marissa?  Who is Britt?  Who is Jackie?  Who is Stacy?

19. Wear waterproof mascara.

20. Blondes do not have more fun.  They go home.

xo – N.