By Nora Zelevansky / June 7th, 2011


Yup.  It's the episode we've all been waiting for since the show started … only two weeks ago?  Jeez.  It seems like years.  Anyway, it's Bentley time.

In Ashley's talking head at the start of the episode, she says: "Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet."  And then, for good humiliating measure, she adds (or they edit her in saying), "I can't believe all these guys want to date me."

But they don't.  And we already know that.  Because we saw what's "coming up" on this episode.  Ruh roh.

Anyway, Ashley goes with some guy named Ben (who is not the wine guy) on the first one-on-one date and she's really excited because she says she's created something that I don't understand at all that has to do with dancing (and she says this like we have any effing clue what she's talking about).

All we need to know: Ashley is dancing yet again and I'm starting to wonder if even she is "here for the right reasons."  What was that again about Bentley trying to further his career (ahem)?  Why do I feel like dentistry is not in her future, unless she chips something during the next season of "Dancing With The Stars"?  Yeah, you know she'll be on it.

While dancing, Ben says "she became miles more attractive to me."  A) Does that mean that he found her kind of nasty before?  B) REALLY, BEN??  What is wrong with you? C) They are totes at The Grove.

Oh, I finally understand what she was saying: "Flash Mob."  That girl needs to take a diction course.  Also, why are all her dates SO lame???  This is so unspeakably embarrassing that it makes Ed's erectile dysfunction during Jillian's season seem cool.

Ben says he wants to live in an "unrealistic, idealistic bubble," where they believe they're "more in love than anyone else."  Well, that sounds like a good foundation for a solid relationship.  This guy is bonkers.  He admits that if he was in the real world, he'd be wrestling with whether to add an emoticon to his text to her.  RED FLAG! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ;P

On the other hand, I am LOVING the organ music they're playing everytime the masked man shows up!  PS Why are there flowers embossed on that thing?  Could he have picked a weirder mask?  Do you think it smells after all these days?  He draws out revealing himself like nobody's business blah, blah.  And when he does, he basically looks exactly the same as you expect and says (without irony or even a smile), "Hi.  I'm Jeff."

HA!!!!  That is the best thing ever.  You can't make this shit up.  What a weirdo.  Ashley says he looks older than she thought.  Well, that backfired. :p

Then, suddenly, Jeffrey Ross is on my TV and I'm wondering what the hell he is doing on The Bachelorette.  Apparently, this episode is all about making Ashley feel like crap because, not only did she dance like an idiot at an outdoor mall and is she getting dumped by Bentley later, but also the guys are being instructed to insult her.

But I'm sure it will go well because her self-esteem is so good.

See?  Bentley wants us to think he's the devil, but it's really the producers who are chilling in hell.  The guy with 700 graduate degrees says that this is the most traumatic thing that he has ever had to do.  I guess his Porsche can't help him now.

Meanwhile, William believes that this is his big break as a comedian.  I don't think this is going to go well for him.  He's willing to make Ashley cry to impress Jeffrey Ross, which I half respect, except is ANYONE on this show not BLATANTLY trying to make it in Hollywood?  Maybe only Bentley.  Oh, the irony.  Anyway, they could hide it at least.

The reoccurring jokes seem to be about Ashley's small boobs and the fact that she got dumped by Brad.  Oh, yeah.  She thinks this is HILARIOUS.

She's excited to hear William because they "actually know each other."  After all, she "spent a whole day with him."  She literally looks like she's going to cry when he says that he would rather date Emily or Chantal (who did have bigger boobs BTW).  Even Bentley thinks he's a jerk.  He gets booed.

And then she cries.  And it's pretty sad.  Bentley pretends in V.O. that he goes to talk to her to "screw with her head," but he's really just comforting her.  Way to punish her with hugs.  At this point, I just think he's trying too hard to seem "evil."  It bores me.  I don't even buy it.

At the post party, she admits to all the guys at once that she's very insecure and was worried that they would all turn back around when they got out of the limo that first day.

BTW–You know what's NOT hot?  Naked insecurity.

Oh no.  And now William is crying too.  And he says he should go home.  Does he WANT to go home?  And he tells her to go talk to the other guys to cheer her spirits.  Um.  Really?  He walks out and starts wandering Hollywood Boulevard at night.  That's not a very good idea and really not a nice place to walk.  He sits at a bus stop and I feel like he should move because it's probably some crazy homeless person's bed.

Some guy named Ryan cheers Ashley up by telling her that he hoped it would be her on the show.  I have no idea who he is, though I know I've seen him before, but what else is new?

J.P. gets the second one-on-one date.  His date card says, "There's no place like home."  None of the guys can figure out what that means.  Maybe it means that you're going to hang out at her home?  Just guessing.

And then there's a twist!  Ashley tells Bentley that she was "contacted" about him before the show started and heard bad things.  Why do I feel like she's talking about her alien abduction?  OKAY. SHUT UP.  Bentley says that this probably coming from Michelle Money, who knows his ex-wife.


Remember her????  How crazy pants was she???  YAY!  I LOVE this franchise.  I mean, it is so genius and idiotic!  I feel like they're just talking about pretend people, but they're NOT!  They're talking about real people named "Money"!

Anyway … Ashley says that if Bentley left she would be sadder than she was with Brad.  She says she believes everything he said.  Which, by the way, was NOTHING.  Bentley says he wants to leave, but he's afraid it's "going to hurt her a little bit."  Oh.  You're so baaaad.  Ashley says she's in love.

Bentley packs his shit to go.  He tells the guys he's leaving cause of his daughter and then he calls them "stupid" for believing him.  Um, yeah, they believed you because they have absolutely no reason not to.  What skill is there in that?  No one thinks you're lying cause there's no upside to lying and then telling the truth to camera!  Why is he acting like he pulled something off?  He got nothing out of this.  Kudos, you idiot.

Anyway, he actually seems super nervous to tell Ashley he's leaving, which just proves my point that he's only fake mean.  That's even lamer than if he was really evil.  He keeps hugging her and wiping the hair from her face.  SO MEAN!  Don't get me wrong.  The guys is a douche.  But he's so not a real villain.  I almost think he started to like her a little bit and was afraid of what his friends at home would say.

She cries again.  And he totally cries because he misses his daughter, which he pretends he's doing on purpose in the V.O.  Sorry, Charlie.  You're not that good an actor.  I ain't buying it. 🙁 🙁 🙁

He says even if he's not coming back, he wants to keep the "dot dot dot there," so their "chapter" won't end.  With absurd drama in her voice, Ashley repeats "dot, dot, dot."  It's called an "ellipsis" people!

Anyway, he leaves, she cries and then, when her JP date starts (yes, at home), she's mellow and sort of grumpy.  And, you know what?  I think I like her better this way.  Stop trying so hard, woman!  When you stop trying, you're actually more tolerable.  She puts on glasses.  Dude, she so doesn't care what any of these other guys think anymore — at least for a few hours.  Two words: Friend. Vibe.

She says there's something about J.P.'s kisses.  Maybe it's the wine?  "J.P. over Bentley in the kiss department," she says.  Good for you, Ashley!

Rose ceremony: Chris Harrison is trying to basically talk Ashley out of caring about Bentley.  She admits that maybe Bentley was a fraud.  She says, "It's hard cause it all ended with a dot, dot, dot."  Chris says, "That's such a guy thing to say."  He says if Bentley actually liked her, he would have fought for her.

But she is too busy with her pity party to even notice.  She keeps saying, "He was my guy!"  You know when someone keeps repeating the same language that way, she's just all involved in the movie of her own life.

No cocktail party.  She addresses her insecurity AGAIN, explaining it AGAIN.  We get it, dude.  UUUUUGH.

And it happened!  It happened!  It's the 3rd episode and I just saw some blonde guy with short hair who I have NEVER seen before!  I mean, NEVER.  It's inevitable!  WHO IS THAT GUY?  His name is Lucas.  Who is Lucas?

Ultimately, she sends home the masked man and some other dude who looks vaguely familiar, who does a great job of holding it together.  Bravo.  And bye bye, masked man!

xo – N.